Russells book of secrets, p.1
Russell's Book of Secrets, p.1Terry J. Benton / History & Fiction
Russell’s Book of Secrets
Russell N. Wright
Terry J. Benton
Russell’s Book Of Secrets
Copyright 2012 Terry J. Benton
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Russell’s Letter To The Readers
Russell’s Book Of Secrets
About The Author
If you’re reading this letter then you’ve probably read my story, Prelude To An Empire. If you haven’t, then you should read it before you read this book, but I’ll try my best not to spoil it for you.
I once owned a journal that I called my “Book of Secrets”… but it was taken from me. I have no idea where it is or if I’ll ever see it again. I’m writing this letter to you in hopes that if you come across it in your journeys that you will return it to me. That book is very important to me because it contains details about the innermost workings of my mind and imagination. During some of the most difficult times of my life, I often picked up a pen and wrote… in that very book.
My “Book of Secrets” is not just special to me because of the secrets it contains but also because it connects me to my mother… Charlene Wright. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to hear her say she loves me, hug her and have her hug me back, or even laugh with her again. She had her own journal that she gave to me during our very last conversation and it’s missing as well. I will never know what other secrets were hidden in those pages – but it is probably not far from wherever my Book of Secrets lies hidden from me.
In the following pages, I’ve tried to recreate as much of my “Book of Secrets” as I can to aid in your search. If you happen upon anything that resembles the following context, you know where to find us.
Russell’s Book of Secrets
(Partially recreated by Russell N. Wright)
THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY LIGHT…
My light that is always by my side,
My light from which true feelings cannot hide,
My light forever inspires me,
My endless light that helps me see,
My light that ignites the passion inside of me,
My light that makes sure I am being all that I can be.
ONE OF A KIND LOVE
This love is special,
This love is different from any other,
This love knows no boundaries,
This love is not easily gained,
This love is easily maintained,
This love is fruitful,
This love is joyful,
This love brings smiles and laughter,
This love knows no vanity,
This love sees no colors,
This love is blind,
This love is the love of a friend.
GO BACK IN TIME
These are the moments that I live for,
The memories that I hold most dear,
Being with friends that love me,
Laughing, joking, just being young!
From crack-heads to chicken-heads,
From hoes to bros, we’ve seen it all!
Around the world and back again,
Nothing beats the price of a friend.
I’d give up everything to go back and do it again,
All the times that we’ve shared.
LETTER TO LOVE
To: True Love
I’ve been searching for you for a while now,
You keep eluding me somehow.
I’ve seen others that I have mistaken for you,
Those mistakes number twenty-two.
Others have found you; you’ve given them a break,
But alas, I know that it is your decision to make.
I’m afraid of how much power you have in my life,
So until I find you, I’ll be getting things right.
I have so much to give.
But I guess it’s not my time to live.
You keep torturing me, forcing me to wait.
So many nights you’ve kept me up late.
Don’t forget about me,
I’ll always be here… waiting.
Until we meet,
I am sorry that you hurt,
My intentions were not this,
I am not in hiding, I am with you always.
Though not in the form that you’d like me to be in,
We talk on the phone, you visit me,
Don’t forget that, for it is most important.
That for which you seek has not yet fully grown,
I’m tending to it and nurturing it daily; I don’t want to give it to you just yet.
I want the gift I have for you to be perfect.
Oh, and once it blossoms,
You will be glad you’ve been so patient.
For once I am by your side,
I will never leave.
Be patient, be honest, be loving.
We have known one another for quite some time,
During the short time we’ve spent together,
I’ve wondered if your feelings were the same as mine,
I don’t want to wonder forever.
I realized that you unknowingly had stolen my heart one night,
I think I’ve decided that I don’t want it returned,
But I need to find out if I’m right.
I’m pretty sure that neither one of us wants to get burned.
Love is patient, love is kind, most of all, love takes time.
This is what I plan to do: take it slow,
Let love blossom and grow.
I’ve always wanted a love of this kind,
You’ve offered me the gift of reciprocity,
That which is most important, no one else could do.
So I want to get to know you so I can see,
If this special person I’ve been waiting for is you.
Where and how do I begin,
In a story where I cannot win?
A story of love and happiness,
Turned dark by this madness,
We are from different worlds, you and I.
Each night I long to be by your side.
You’re not from anywhere I’ve been,
Your beauty is not paralleled now or then.
Why do you hurt, why must you cry?
How do I heal all those wounds, dare I try?
You’ve been taken advantage of,
Someone has stolen your love.
Don’t worry, don’t shed another tear,
Because for you, I am always here.
That what you lost, I will find it again,
But I don’t want to return it…
DREAMING OF YOU
Seeing you always brightens my day,
Your face glows like sunshine when you come my way.
I don’t get sick from the butterflies your presence brings,
Because my love for you is manifested on each beautiful wing.
I look deep into your eyes and I see myself,
That’s why I fell in love with you with no help.
Your breath on my neck is like a warm summer breeze.
Your slightest touch is felt by all of me.
A secret love hidden deep beneath the surface,
Some would say that falling in love with you has no purpose.
I’m too fast asleep to wake up again,
Because I think only in my dreams can I truly win.
I feel myself waking up and I want to cry out.
No one really knows what this love is all about.
But I open my eyes and when I can see,
There you are… looking back at me.
Sitting in my room listening to the rain,
Beat so hard on my window pane.
I’m trying not to think about it,
All this pain I’m living with.
I gave you all I had and you never knew,
But somehow I got the feeling you felt the same too.
I had no way of knowing for sure,
We spent so much time together, but I still want more.
I’m so afraid to let you go,
For what the future holds, I do not know.
I have a feeling that once this time is done,
You’ll come back to me and we’ll be as one.
I collect my belongings,
Love, fear, and longing.
Standing outside your door,
I’m trembling down to my core.
Dripping wet as I stand here,
I needed to disguise my tears.
My heart skips a beat when I hear your footsteps.
Seeing you now is really no help.
I open my mouth to say the words,
But somehow I doubt that you even heard.
All choked up because I don’t want to lose you,
All I can do is wonder if you feel the same way too.
When suddenly you embrace me,
And with eyes blurred from tears I can no longer see.
You take a step back to say goodbye,
But you stop and stare deep into my eyes.
After all this time you finally know,
Why it’s so difficult for me to go.
A love that I have searched for forever,
Only to have our connection severed.
Then you grab me and pull me close,
This moment when I love you the most.
I just want to live in this moment as I close my eyes,
When your lips touch mine, I’m filled with surprise.
You whisper to me not to worry about anything,
And I can no longer hear the sound of the rain.
I don’t even feel it gently roll down my face,
As I’ve gotten lost in your embrace.
And I can only think then,
Of the day when we’ll be together again.
KEEPING IT REAL
I’ve been told to write about the joys of being loved,
But how do you express something you don’t know of?
How can I depict the days spent with you?
How do I write a love story for two?
How can I articulate the touch of your lips?
How can I communicate the sensation of your kiss,
The warmth of your touch,
How we love each other so much,
When I’m the only one?
Alas, for the sweet spoils of a relationship, I have none.
Why should I pretend that I have something that I don’t?
Perpetrate? Ha… I think I won’t!
When I get it, I’ll spit it!
Until then… just forget it!
It’s like running in slow motion,
Wincing at the pain of the notion,
The fact that we’ll still be together,
For what seems like forever.
Once one chain is successfully unlocked,
Another is found and my exit is blocked.
I want to scream out loud, and tear these walls to shards,
But still bound and gagged, this seems so hard.
You laugh and you get a kick out of this,
You enjoy seeing me swing and miss.
I’m just biding my time in this world of mine.
Regardless of what you say or do, one of these days, I’ll be free to shine.
You know me, but you don’t,
I love you, but I won’t.
This love is something new,
I’m not sure if you love me too.
Lying in a bed of bitter irony,
Wondering why this fell on me.
Love led to depression,
I need someone to heal my obsession.
I wish we could share the love I have,
Maybe then I wouldn’t be so sad.
A forbidden love, too risky to try.
But I need you with me so bad each night.
I’ve only known you for a short time,
But in this friendship, I’ve made you mine.
I want to yell out how much I need you,
I want to proclaim my love to you,
But when we’re together,
Anxiety tortures me,
Fear consumes me,
Silence grips me…
So I keep it locked away, soon I’ll forget the key.
This is best, for this love that can never be.
THEN AND NOW
When your mind says, “no,” but your heart says, “yes,”
Tell me how do you know what’s best?
A love that’s so special and true,
One I’ve only been able to find in you.
I’ve been hurt so many times in the past,
I wonder how much longer this pain will last.
Love gone wrong has gotten the best of me,
Now I’m subdued by Insecurity.
But this time is different than before,
But I can’t take being hurt anymore.
Past experiences have pushed me to the edge,
I’m wavering in fear on this proverbial ledge.
I feel your presence so very near,
I need you to come take me away from here.
I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,
Love continually tortures, but I keep coming back for more.
I wish we could read minds,
You would have known all this time,
Instead of being hidden in these lines.
You own a very special place in my heart,
I cannot bear the days when we are apart.
I would do anything for you,
I would climb the highest mountain,
Even seek out that legendary fountain,
Because my love is all yours,
But more heartbreak I can simply not afford.
So afraid to put my heart on the line one more time,
Yet hoping for the day your love will be mine.
I’m so tired of crying,
Awaiting the day you’ll be mine.
A friendship is what we share,
My love for you now resides there.
These feelings are foreign to me,
I know how they came to be,
But I’m not sure why they remain,
Confused when love for anyone else shares the same name.
You are so special in so many ways,
You embody what’s missing in my life today.
Whenever we’re together, I can’t help but smile,
Because you fill me with joy all the while.
You are the most beautiful of your kind,
Beauty within body, spirit, and mind.
I find myself searching for any excuse,
Anything for a minute with you.
I tried to run away from you so many times,
But I always end up back in this rhyme.
This is not healthy what I feel,
My joy and happiness you can easily steal.
Since the day I realized these feelings,
I’ve been flying above the world’s ceiling.
A dangerous ride I’ve come to know,
Flying on intangible wings of false hope.
Those great wings melted away with this sad epiphany,
I feel as if someone has ripped away a part of me.
Now on the ground is where I lie,
Staring at blurred stars in the sky,
Wondering what went wrong in my life.
How I deserved this, I wonder why.
Immobilized by pain, I will stay here,
And try not to drown in my tears.
I will never again experience sweet slumber,
Because when I close my eyes, I see your face and I remember.
So I will forever lie here all alone,
Praying for the day you’ll come and take me home.
A love lost is so very sad,
But how do you lose what you’ve never had?
YOU AND YOU
How did I get myself into this mess?
Lost in a world of unhappiness,
Constantly panicking in my own distress.
Falling in love happens often,
I’ve rested my head twice in this coffin,
But no rest is here with the troubles of two men.
The sharp edges of this figure,
Has cut me twice and I’m still here.
I thought I was over this fear.
Insecurities and depression building with time,
True feelings entangled in this rhyme.
I wish I could make You mine.
Too shy to step out on faith,
But this is way too important to wait.
Our worlds crashing down is our fate.
Never held before in that certain way,
Oh how I wish You would hold me today!
I’m dreaming of the words You would say.
You are so beautiful and kind,
I long for the day You can be mine.
Until then, I just can’t unwind.
I imagine the soft touch of your lips,
I feel the heat from your body,
The thought of Your kiss takes me there.
Will You release me from this misery?
Subject: THIS IS A WARNING!
I know it sounds strange, me writing a letter to you, but lately you haven’t been yourself and I’m worried. I share so many few moments with you now, ever since you became acquainted with “that person.” I’m here to warn you that everything is not what it seems. You’ve been living outside yourself, outside this world even. It’s been so long since we’ve spoken. You’re heading down the wrong path; you’ve been blinded, hoodwinked, and swindled by intangible forces beyond my control. Day and night you sit and dream, imagining how you would like things to be; but I’m here to warn you! BE CAREFUL!! Don’t expect to find happiness in people, for they are just that… people. They will hurt you indefinitely and you may lose me forever. Wake up and live for today, but secure tomorrow. Build your own happiness based upon yourself, not others – for a foundation built upon others is not sound. Please, love us for us, be happy with who we are. Don’t try to fill voids in your life with simple thoughts and fantasies you’ve entertained in your mind. Just be careful, and look out for your well-being. If this person is what you think they are, and is genuine, then the best of luck to you. If not, then God help us all.
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