The Fabulous Spawlszoff BrothersTerry Aspinall / Humor
© Copyright 2001 by Terry Aspinall
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means – electronic, mechanical, photographic (photocopying) recording, or otherwise – without prior permission in writing from the author.
ISBN : 9781476042381
Published by Terry Aspinall
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Table of Contents
Like to dedicate this book to my wife who has suffed many long hours on her own while I was chasing my dream of becoming a musician for over 40 years. To rub salt into the wounds I have even sought her help in the writing of this book.
Also like to remember all the musicians who I have played with over the years who are no longer with us. I look forward to playing with them once again when I also reach the other side.
This story is fiction, however it is based on a collection of funny events and jokes that actual happened.
The Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers Rock n Roll band takes you along to several of their gigs so you might enjoy the fun, comedy and tricks they get up to. All of which are actual events that I was involved in during the past 40 years, while playing with different bands performing in the UK, Germany, New Zealand and Australia.
I would also like to apologise in advance for any mistakes that you might find as I rely heavily on the so called latest modern spell checker.
THE PURPLE FIN
TUNA FISHING CLUB
The crowd was already on its feet; cheering and clapping wildly as the Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers suddenly re-appeared on stage. To refer to them as a crowd, is a slight distortion of the truth, when in actual fact, there were only forty-five and a half people attending the venue, the half, being a very small guy known as Lofty, who usually accompanied the band around to most of its gigs. The rest of the gathering consisted of a cocktail of friends, and usual hangers on to any band that found themselves unlucky enough to be performing in the area.
They had assembled in a very long spacious wooden hut that was situated on the out skirts of Gympie town. Officially, it was known as the Purple Fin, Tuna Fishing Club. However, to a few of the locals it was better known as the OK Corral, a dive where reputations were made or lost, amongst the local young bucks who frequented the premises. The town of Gympie, used to be an old gold mining out post and was situated about three hours drive north of Brisbane. It's very early hard pioneering history seemed to have continued through to the present day. Which is why to some in the country, it had attracted another tongue-in-cheek infamous nickname of the gun capitol of Queensland. Something that the band had laughed off, when offered the booking, by their agent Dorian Legger.
The Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers launched themselves into the final bracket for the evening with the classical hit Eagle Rock, one of the all time great Australian rock and roll standards of all times. It was loud, flashy and full of balls, and always managed to goad the gathered bunch of drunken revellers into a dancing frenzy. As if to prove the point, before the lead guitarist had completed his finger picking introduction to the song, the dance floor suddenly became a seething mass of hot sweaty bodies that were all in a wild party mood.
The bands on stage policy was to never allow the dancers a break in between numbers; but to leave them gasping for air into they’re by now panting lungs. Therefore the band would lead one song straight into another, thus ensuring that the crowd did not leave the dance floor. Years ago this had been known as a medley of songs, but the band had given it their own interpretation, and insisted it be known to as a ‘Spawlszoff muddily’.
However, there were times when Bluey the lead singer, needed a break and so he would occasionally crack a few one liner jokes to keep them entertained and on his side, not wanting them to return to their seats. During one such break, a young girl walked past him heading towards the toilets that were positioned on the side of the dance floor. Bluey could not resist calling down to her as she walked past, we know where you’re going. Then as the following song was drawing towards its conclusion, the girl reappeared from the toilets and proceeded to once again walk past the stage. Bluey again called down to her, Could you hear us out there? Shyly she replied No.
Bluey was quick to tell her and all of the other people that were gathered in the room. We could hear you.
Bluey Spawlszoff was the singer and bass player of the band. His real name was Barry Allcock. He was an old fashioned larrikin and prided himself as being the comedian in the band. He would crack a joke from any remark that came up during a conversation. However, at times some of his remarks could be cruel and downright intimidating. He also had an annoying habit that was a discomfort to all those who were in close proximity to him. He constantly passed wind that always smelt like rotten old meat.
All too quickly and to the disappointment of all on the dance floor, the evening began drawing to a close. The band found itself launching into the penultimate song of the night. This number had been specially chosen so that each band member could demonstrate his or her own particular talents to the eagerly watching crowd. That by now had swollen to number at least forty-nine people. Unfortunately, the half was missing. Lofty had somehow staggered drunkenly outside and had collapsed into a very small heap at the back of the outside toilet shed, an area where the men folk gathered frequently during the evenings drinking binge.
After completing a couple of verses of the song, and with the band still playing, Bluey stopped singing and introduced the drummer to the audience as Nicky Spawlszoff. Then turning towards him he called out, Take it away Kaiser. To which Nicky burst into what was to be a very long, loud and intricate drum solo.
This was an exhibition that most drummers had undertaking way back during the early 60s and 70s. Unfortunately, over the years it had been dropped as an attraction. Bluey had decided that it was time to revive this old tradition and in doing so the Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers, were the only band in the area that entertained their audience in this way. Bluey also believed that he had been right in his assumption that audiences still wanted to see a drummer display his skills and talent. This section of the show always stopped the audience in their tracks, as they eagerly watched what was to follow. There were not many people around who could dance to a drum solo, but their feet would continue to tap to the beat of the bass drum that echoed like thunder around the room.
Nicky Spawlszoff carried several quite apt nicknames in the music industry, one of them being Justin Time, which actually described his drumming to a tee. His parents had however named him Adrian Balls, a name that was always open for further comment, by all who were introduced to him. However, he was the hard man of the band, and nobody, argued or tangled with him. His sheer size intimidated anybody who stood next to his very big muscular body. Needless to say, the endless stream of drummer jokes that usually did the rounds was off limits when it came to Nicky. For some unknown reason Bluey was the exception to the rule. Nicky would always let him get away with it and indeed sometimes he would even join in with the laughter that followed the joke. It had always been accepted that these two were old mates and their friendship went back many years as they had played in several bands together. In fact, they had been the original founding members of the Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers band, way back in the mid-nineties.
Nicky came from a very long line of staunch upper class German aristocracy. You would have thought that with this background certain subjects were taboo and out of bounds. The first thought being, that you must never mention the war. However, nothing could be far from the truth, because Nicky thrived on it, answering those who choose to make fun of the fact that Germany lost both World Wars. He would put on his richest German accent while clicking his heels together. He would then lunge into his version of the way he saw the outcome. What had happened was a long-term strategy, so that the allies would bear the cost of rebuilding his mother country, and making it the rich and powerful leading world nation that it is today. This was a subject that Bluey exploited to the full. At every opportunity he would try to intimidate and force Nicky to impersonate the German officer from the film Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines, something that he could do so well. This is why Bluey always refer to him as the Kaiser.
The drum solo moved along at a very fast pace and went on for almost eight minutes. Then as it started to slow down Nicky gave the other members of the band a nod, and they all re-launched themselves back into the song. After a further couple of bars, Bluey used his hands to indicate to the band that he wanted them to lower the volume. He then introduced the lead guitarists to the crowd informing them that they were about to bear witness to a fabulous solo. The crowd were then treated to a very loud ear piercing long lead break that many other crowds in the Brisbane area had experienced over the years.
Terry Spawlszoff, whose real name was Frazzacrackley, was the lead guitarist with the band. He was the straight man who could never join in on a joke, not having an ounce of fun in his body. His expressionless face bore witness to that fact. It was also thought by the other members of the band that he was gay. Unfortunately, he had not chosen to come out of the closet as they say, while having to endure the constant jokes about his femininity. Bluey would always taunt him that he had lost the key to the cupboard or that he had thrown it away on purpose. Terry also suffered from a loss of hair on the crown of his head. So he had taken to wearing a small toupee to cover the spot during each performance. This was a constant source of fun for the other members of the band, because at times it would move around during a performance on stage. It also had a colour problem, as it had faded over the years and Terry had not thought to replace it with a new one.
Once while playing another of his long lead breaks, he had swung his head around very quickly, while the toupee had refused to move with the remainder of his head. The other band members had a problem finishing off the gig that night because of the side-splitting laughter amongst them. Terry would usually be a little oiled up before he went on stage, so the toupee was never lined up in quite the same position for each gig. He had always tried to keep it a secret from the other members of the band. Unfortunately, he had not been very successful and suffered constant ribbing, gritting his teeth he endured all that was thrown at him. Secretly the other members of the band had nicknamed his toupee the Cowpat and occasionally the Rat.
Terry was also very vague and slow on the up take of anything funny. At times he looked like he was a thousand miles away from what was happening around him. He usually found it hard to work out the punch line of the funniest of jokes. When he did, the remainder of the band would have already progressed onto a completely new one At times it seemed like he was a complete subject behind everybody else. His conversations did not seem to fit in with the discussions around him.
At a predetermined spot, just as Terry ended his lead break, the band suddenly stopped. Exactly four beats later, without any movement or signals from each other, they launched themselves straight into Time is Tight, their last number for the evening. The spotlight then moved to the keyboard player who thrived on the attention and played like the old pro he had become.
Claudie Spawlszoff was the Keyboard player and the musical arranger for the band. At times, this could be a little daunting. Acquiring all the words for the songs and working out the chord sequences was quite difficult. However Claudie was not handicapped. To him it was all part of the job. He thrived and revelled in the musical challenge. He was also the grass smoker in the band and could not help himself. He usually managed to have a couple already rolled joints ready to light up during each performance. The other members just accepted it, because when it came to his arranging and playing, it did not seem to affect his musical ability. Bluey had once remarked that he had seen him when he was not smoking. He looked a mess and that his musical skills seemed to be hampered badly. Anyway most of the band dabbled in the drugs scene, but only with the occasional roll up or the odd tablet that might be handed around the venues.
Claudie was also into trivia questions and was always reading small books on the subject. While travelling in the van to the bookings he would constantly be asking everybody questions, to which many ended up being the catalyst of a fully fledged argument amongst all those aboard. However, he had a canny knack of getting Nicky to take his side of the argument and that ensured he was always right. After all, he was reading it directly from a book, so he had to be right.
All too suddenly, and to the disappointment of the crowd the musical entertainment for the evening was over. The drummer undertook a very long drum roll that led the whole band into the final note of the tune and the night. Bluey thanked the crowd for coming and said that they would see them all again sometime in the future. He also announced that the following night the band would be playing in Brisbane at the Geebung Polo Club, on the north side of the city. Knowing full well that, nobody would bother to make that journey just to see the band. However, he continued to invite them to bring along a friend and to introduce them to the band, especially if they were of the female variety. Then, he turned and looked at Terry and added that they could also introduce the boys if the felt like it. He then went on to tell them that if they were drinking and driving, that they should not forget their car. This was Bluey at his best. He just loved the one-liners.
The stage and dance floor was suddenly flooded by a mass of artificial light, as the barman switched on all the main lights in the room, and the venue lost the atmosphere of the night. The magic of the evening had been transformed back into an ugly pumpkin. Now everything looked ordinary. Just like any other public bar in any Australian hotel. Some of the guys on the dance floor could be seen grabbing their girl friends and heading for the exit doors. While the remaining unattached patrons looked around and were amazed to see who or what, they had been dancing with during the night. This was the time when the band, while packing up their gear, watched the remaining single males on the dance floor, trying to make their last minute score for the evening. To most of them, it did not matter what the girl looked like, just as long as they could find one to take home. If they were successful, then it would be their crowning glory of the night.
Bluey called the roadie over to help him throw his guitar into its road case. It was now that the fifth and final member of the Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers appeared on stage having sat behind the mixing desk for most of the evening and out of sight from the stage.
Ruhti Spawlszoff was the youngest member of the team, and was at their constant disposal being the roadie and self proclaimed sound engineer for the band. At one time, he had tried his own hand on the guitar and had become an excellent player. Unfortunately, he had received a very violent electric shock during a gig one night, when he had grabbed hold of a microphone stand, whilst still holding on to the strings on the neck of his guitar. The wiring had all been faulty at the venue, and had taken him down to earth with a big bang. The whole incident had left him with a slightly crippled left hand as well as arthritis in his fingers and wrist. However, still wanting to soak up the life style of a rock and roll star, he had chosen to become a roadie. Because of his past ability to play well, he was a first class guitar technician and spent many hours each week ensuring that Bluey and Terry’s guitars were set up correctly and always in tune. His other job was to sit at the mixer desk and control the overall sound that the audience was to experience during the night's entertainment. It was he who could make or break the band. If he was having a bad night it would be transfer into the band's sound, and hence would upset the other members.
It was also apparent that he was of south Asian decent, as he would always insist on wearing a turban at every gig. During the remainder of the week he just let his long black hair rest on his shoulders. Because of this, the other members of the band had nick named him the weekend Sikh. It was always felt that Ruhti originally came from Pakistan. However nobody was sure, because he was very secretive about that part of his background. In fact, that only served to add fuel to the jokes that were always cracked about him. That included Elvis the illegal immigrant. The spot on his forehead prompted the usual Spot the Dog. Then there was Randy Sandji, because of his love for the young girls. Also, Guptar the train driver, in reference to the Indian train driver in one of the early sixty films North-by-North West that starred Kenneth Moore.
Unfortunately, Ruhti’s English was very poor. To complicate his understanding of the English language even further, he found it hard to understand the different accents that some people used while speaking to him. As if this was not enough, he also had a problem pronouncing his words correctly, to the constant amusement of those standing around listening. However, he prided himself in the belief that he could sing just like Elvis. Unfortunately the other members of the band did not agree with him on this subject. This was a subject that Bluey exploited to the full, if he considered it would be accepted by the audience as a comedy spot. He would allow Ruhti to get on stage and sing “All Shook up”. It was quite amazing really as he performed quite a good rendition of the song. Mind you he could only mimic the song, because he did not completely understand the words. Many times it went down well to the laughing audience, as they had never seen an Elvis impersonator wearing a turban before.
Once all the gear was safely stowed away in the back of the beat up old Ford Transit van, all the band members made their way to the bar area. They were expecting a farewell drink and to pick up the cash for the evenings work, but instead they walked onto a first class party that was already in full swing and awaiting their arrival. It was a well-known fact amongst some of the local bands, that once this club had closed its doors, after hours drinking would continue well into the early hours of the morning.
They were all greeted by Two Dogs McGee the owner of the club and asked what their taste in alcohol was. How and why Two Dogs had received his name at birth had in fact become part of folklore in that part of the country. His parents, who were originally from Ireland could neither read nor write. At the birth of each child, his father would look out of the bedroom window, and whatever he saw, he named the child after it. On that particular occasion as he looked out of the window all he could see was two dogs mating in the street down below. However, his was not the strangest of names. He also has a brother named Useno. On that particular occasion as the father looked out of the bedroom window, all he could see across the street was a large transport container with the words, Use no hooks, printed on its side.
Once they all had a drink in their hands Bluey wasted no time in running his eyes over the females who were still present. However, most of them had been on the dance area, so he had already given them the once over earlier. While he was leaning on the bar with his drink up to his lips, a young girl came up to him and told him that she was Rosy. Bluey was caught off guard and almost spluttered in his beer the word Strewth, a regular remark from him that described almost every incident. However, he soon recovered and was quick to lean slightly backwards pretending to look at her backside, then remarking that he could see that. A conversation developed between them with Rosy making it clear that she was ripe for the picking. Bluey in turn let her know that he was in a harvesting mode, as they both giggled and eyed each other up and down. Rosy mentioned that she hoped he was not going to run away from her. To which Bluey replied that she was too beautiful to run away from. Besides, he couldn’t as most of the blood had just been taken from his legs and diverted elsewhere.
Two Dogs suddenly grabbed everybody’s attention by producing three .22 calibre rifles from behind the bar. He then announced that it was payback time and that he hoped the band would give him a chance to win back some of their hard earned wages. Strewth, Bluey remarked feeling like he had been goaded into a position that he was not comfortable with. It had not been part of their payment arrangements that the band would have to gamble with their night’s earnings. However, he was also worried as to what might happen if he was to try to walk away with the money in his pocket. Although at this point in time, Bluey had still not received any money from Two Dogs, for the nights work anyway.
Jesus, it is like El Passover, Ruhti exclaimed to the other members of the band. However, Nicky was very quick to explain that he meant to say El Paso, and adding that they should have Passed-Over this particular booking as he was beginning to have a bad feeling about what lay ahead for the remainder of the evening.
Unknown to the band, Two Dogs had a little trick tucked up his sleeve, in order that the odds would be slanted his way. The sights on one of the riffles were not lined up correctly, so it would not shoot as accurate as the other two. To the layman it looked like Bluey was being offered a free choice of weapons. However, Two Dogs had another surprise installed for them. He used a very old magician’s trick, to make sure that Bluey would choose the faulty weapon. It is called a Force, and means that no matter which rifle you choose, you will always end up with the particular weapon that Two Dogs wanted to force upon you.
Once Bluey had agreed to the shoot out, Two Dogs lined up the three weapons neatly along the bar, with the faulty weapon to Bluey’s right. Two Dogs then asked him to touch any two of the riffles. However, it did not matter which two Bluey touched, because if he chooses the two good weapons. Two Dogs would then tell him that the remaining faulty one was his free choice. If he were to touch one of the good riffles plus the faulty one, these two would then be re-laid back on to the bar, after the third one had been removed and placed out of sight. Bluey would then be asked to point to any one of them. If he points to the faulty one, then he will be told that he has freely chosen that particular riffle to shoot with. However, if he points to the good one, Two Dogs will then take it away from the bar leaving the faulty one behind and tell Bluey that it is the one he has freely chosen to use. This is exactly what happened, leaving Bluey holding the faulty weapon.
A make shift firing range was then hastily prepared down the centre of the dance floor, and small targets were positioned on the low stage at one end. Bluey and his band were to take turns and would be up against Two Dogs and a few members of his family. It was around this time that Nicky made Bluey aware of the size of Two Dogs family members. Not one of them stood less than six foot tall and each of them had hands as large as garden shovels. Bluey told him to stop worrying as he knew what he was doing and that he was a dab hand when it came to fire arms. After all, he had been the one who had won a teddy bear at the Wynnum Carnival earlier that year. Nicky had to remind him that it was only after he had spent more than $20 on tickets, and that the bear had only been worth $10 in the first place.
Once the competition shooting started to take place, the drinks also started to flow more freely. However right from his very first shot, Bluey was aware that something was not quite right, but for the moment, he could not put his finger on it. After every shot, Bluey would return to the bar where a kiss from Rosy greeted him along with another glassful of beer. It was also becoming apparent to Bluey that the opposition was not happy with him befriending Rosy. Every time he kissed her, someone would shout out at him, trying to get his attention and interrupt his kiss.
During the first hour, the shooting turned out to be quite even, with each side winning the same amount of points. However, once the drink started to kick in, Bluey’s team started to drop back in the scoring. While unknown to them, Two Dogs team were not really trying for the moment, as they tried to sucker the Spawlszoffs into believing it was an even match. They were also drinking non-alcoholic drinks in their effort to claw back and extort every single cent from the bands nightly earnings.
It was also becoming quite evident to Bluey that there was something amiss with their gun. His first reaction was to try to switch them but that was almost an impossible task. Bluey realised that Two Dogs would not let their gun out of his sight. He had tried to see if there was any type of markings on his gun, compared with the oppositions. He knew that somehow Two Dogs had marked them and he had been duped into choosing the one he had. If it were possible, he was going to try to put the same mark on the other gun.
However, when he spoke to Nicky and told him what he suspected and of how he was going to rectify the problem. Nicky informed him that he did not think it was a good idea. Once again he reminded Bluey of the size of the opposition members, and of how far they were away from their home base. Agreeing, Bluey decided to change his tactics, by compensating for the poor accuracy of the riffle. In this way, he started to gain better results, and passed the information on to Nicky, who started to amaze himself by somehow equalling Bluey’s results.
It became evident to the opposition that the team they were up against just might get the upper hand. Quite openly, they started to become rattled and the atmosphere soon started to deteriorate. Two Dogs did not like what he was seeing and started to think to himself, what could he do next to protect his investment. Secretly he ordered his team to start producing better results with the riffle. Next he begrudgingly gave the band few free drinks from the spirits shelf. However neither of these tactics seemed to stem the bands sudden rush of success.
Upon further orders from Two Dogs, his team members started what could only be described as a dirty tricks program. Every time one of the band members was about to take their shot, somebody would either drop or bang something at the very same moment that the trigger was pulled. Every time that Bluey laid on the floor and took aim, one of the opposition who was standing over a loose floor board, would slowly rock his weight from side to side, and in doing so the board would creak just as he was about to squeeze the trigger. This line of disturbance started to work, as slowly the band dropped further behind in the scoring.
Bluey decided to fight fire with fire and as the next opposition guy laid on the floor to take up a position to fire. Bluey knelt down beside of him pretending to take an interest in how he was aligning himself up to the target. Timing it to perfection, and just as the guy was about to pull the trigger Bluey past wind. Almost immediately, the guy jumped up coughing and spluttering calling him a dirty bastard and that it was not allowed in the rules. Strewth, what rules Nicky asked, It sounds to me like you are making them up as you go along he added.
The atmosphere in the room deteriorated further and it looked like a punch up was going to be on the cards. Until that is Rosy walked between the men, who were all fronted up to each other, and told them to grow up and act like the men they were supposed to be. It was then that Bluey was informed that he should also leave her alone as she was Two Dogs daughter. This caught Bluey off guard, as he first looked at Rosy and then at Two Dogs. Where is the resemblance he asked, Gee I almost feel sorry for her, he added,
Her intervention and Bluey’s remarks did nothing to defuse the situation that was further inflamed as Bluey leaned over and kissed her as they were standing in the middle of all of the opposition. Nicky shook his head from side to side knowing full well that Bluey had done it just to stir the pot a little more and that it was not going to do anything to calm the situation. Nicky was sure that they were not going to get out of this predicament alive. From the tactics that the opposition were using, it was plain that Two Dogs was going to a lot of trouble in order that he retrieved the bands wages.
Furthermore it did not help diplomatic relationships, when Ruhti tried to butt in, claiming in very poor broken English that, the band had been swet up and that the raffles should be swooped, so that Poo Dwogs team cold use chairs. Two Dogs team just looked at each other in bewilderment wondering what on earth he had just said. After a few moments of silence he was told in no uncertain words, to go take a running jump. Otherwise he would be using the bandage on his head to strap up a couple of broken arms. Someone else on Two Dogs team was heard to say that they had better watch out as he might hit them with one of his jar-patties, to which another replied that they should shoot him now, while he still had a dot on his forehead as an aiming point. In trying to remove the heat from Ruhti, Bluey informed the hostile group that they should leave him alone as he could not pronoun his words correctly; deliberately pronouncing it wrong as he usually did to milk a further laugh from the situation. However, the temperature rose a couple of degrees as Bluey picked up his riffle and cocked a round in the chamber, making it ready to fire.
A couple of the opposition dived under one of the tables, as the tight circle of opposition guys around Bluey suddenly widened, giving him some long awaited space.
Terry, who by now was full of Dutch courage, being under the heavy influence of the large amount of alcohol that he had consumed during the evening, plucked up the courage and waded in, to try to separate the two groups. Unfortunately, he paid a high price in hurtful taunts about his femininity. As Two Dogs grabbed him by the throat and told him that this was secret men’s business, and that he should go and play in the ladies room. Somebody shouted out that they should stick him in the jar of flowers on the bar amongst all the other pansies. Ruhti shouted over to Terry, to kick him in the tentacles. Nicky under took his usual English correction for all those interested, by telling them that he meant to use the word testicles, but that everybody could see that Two Dogs was a man who had no balls anyway.
As Two Dogs continued to shake Terry, the Cowpat suddenly became unattached from his head and started to move around. It ended up on the floor being badly trampled by many feet. Somehow, it was rescued by a member of the opposition, who shouted asking everybody to watch, as he flung it through the air like a frizz by. All eyes watched as it hit one of the overhead fans that in turn flicked it on at an even faster speed. It finally ended up landing on top of Two Dogs German Shepherd dog that was asleep behind the bar. The shock of it hitting the dog startled it from its slumber. Believing that it was under attack it grabbed hold of the cowpat shaking it violently, trying to kill whatever had just viciously tried to bite him.
Still holding Terry very tightly by the throat Two Dogs turned towards Bluey and asked if he was some sort of poofter or something, to which Bluey replied that he was not, but at one time, he had confided in him that he was willing to learn. With that remark Two Dogs eased the hold slightly that he had around Terry’s throat and his feet settled back on the floor as his brain tried to digest Blueys last remark.
It was the opportunity that Nicky had been waiting for and was quick to wrestle Terry away from his clutches. He then confronted the very big club owner and looked him straight in the eyes at point blank range and told him to pick on someone his own size. He further challenged just him to a fight in which the winner would take all the money. However, Two Dogs turned out to be not as tough as he had made out when it came to a one on one basis.
It's like I said mate you're got no Balls, Nicky told him not taking his glare from his eyes. It was amazing but the whole atmosphere in the room went down a couple of notches and both sides took up their positions to resume the competition.
Feeling sorry for Terry, Ruhti went over to retrieve the Cowpat from the dog. Unfortunately, the dog had not quite finished with it and was not prepared to give it up easily. Sadly, a tugging match took place before the dog finally gave up and let it go, leaving Ruhti handling an out of shape toupee that was full of holes. Two Dogs called over that the dog was known as the Vicar, because he preyed on anything that moved, and that he had just blessed it for him, so now he had hold of a Holy Toupee.
While all this was going on Claudie had remained at his table stoned out of his mind. He was under the heavy influence of his weed and was laughing at what was going on around him. To him it was all one big joke and he was in hysterics at the antics that was going on amongst so-called grown men. Furthermore he did not help the situation by occasionally making remarks that only stirred the pot and added to the troubles. At one time, he told them all that they were acting like a bunch of little schoolgirls, while making sure that, they did not hear the end of the sentence.
Before they knew it the clock behind the bar was indicating that it was 3am. Bluey had worked out that, up until then they had lost about half of their earnings, but he was confident that they could still win the evening. He urged his team on, trying to inspire them to a final victory. Unfortunately, the drink was taking its toll and half his team were almost falling asleep while still sitting at the tables. Rosy was also feeling the effects of the night and was also having a problem keeping awake. The kisses that had greeted Bluey after every shot had long since fallen by the way side.
Bluey again tried to confide in Nicky, on his theory of how they had been ripped off. Nicky cut him short telling him, that they were in grave trouble especially if they won. For a third time he tried to point out to Bluey that the size of the opposition would pulverise them if it came down to an all in fight, and that if they also won, then there was also going to be one hell of a fight.
Rosy joined in the conversation by telling them, that the two big guys leaning on the bar were known as the Doggy Brothers. She told them that they were Doggy by name, and Doggy by nature, and that they ran a very doggy second hand goods shop, and were not to be tangled with.
Rosy started to mention that during a Karaoke night, we used to hold in the club; she was interrupted in mid sentence. You mean Japanese suicide missions nights, Bluey butted in. After a little giggle, Rosy carried on to tell them that the brothers mother used to take off her wooden leg whenever she got drunk, and would lay it on the floor in front of her. Strewth, what the hell did she do that for, Bluey asked? Rosy went on to explain that why she did it nobody knew. However, it was suspected by the locals that it prevented her from trying to stand up and fall flat on her face in front of everybody, so they got a good laugh from her predicament. She also added that it was rumoured that she used to hide a small bottle of whisky inside the leg.
Rosy went on to pointed out that another big guy known as the Major, who was standing by Two Dogs was one of his long lost cousins. She told them that as far as the locals knew, he had always been known as Major Injuries, a title he had picked up during his long stint in the service, and that nobody seemed to know his real name. She went on to tell them that he was an ex paratrooper, and that he was now a vegetarian. Strewth, I’d like to see that, Bluey exclaimed. A lettuce eating storm trooper, hell, he’d run amuck in your back garden, wouldn’t he, saying it quite loud so that he could be heard by all who were around their table.
Then there was the barman Mike Lillycrap, who looked like he did not have a neck. It seemed as though his head width continued straight down to be joined onto a very broad set of shoulders, giving everybody who saw him the impression that he had been hewn from of a solid block of wood. Rosy told them that when he joined the local gun club, he caused quite a stir. It was rumoured that the day he took his shooting test with a pistol, all hell was let loose on the indoor range. The instructor had him standing behind a table, while facing a target of a full size man on the wall a few meters in front of him. The instructor carefully loaded and then laid the pistol on the table in front of Mike. He then told him in his own time to take up the pistol and to proceed to shoot at the target of the man on the wall in front of him. With that, Mike grabbed the gun and kicked the table over and away from him while blasting away at the target in rapid fire, emptying the pistol in just a few short seconds. He is reputed to have turned towards the instructor with the gun pointing towards him and said that’ll stop the bastard. Bluey joined in by telling them that today was not the day for him to knock the crap out of the barman, he would have to await another day, to which Nicky agreed.
After that little story Nicky tried desperately to persuade Bluey to lose the competition, so they could escape with their lives. At least they would be able to fight another day. He told Bluey to take a look around him and especially at his own men who were drunk, very tired and looked all in for the count.
The way I see it, we should make it look like we lost fairly, so that there would be no retaliatory attacks on the band at later venues, said Nicky.
Two hours later, it was all over. The inevitable had taken place, and the Spawlszoff Brothers had been heavily mauled and defeated. They left the club just as the first rays of the sun were poking their head up above the horizon from the direction of the sea. They had finally lost all of the nights urgently needed cash. Moreover, they had further lost what amounted to almost $60, having spent it on the beer that they had consumed during the night. However, they were all still in one piece, with nobody having their fingers broken and so ending their not so lucrative musical careers. Bluey had also lost out and felt cheated when Rosy disappeared earlier in the night, without even giving him a good night kiss.
They all hastily piled into the transit van, in order that they might somehow grab a couple of hours sleep. Bluey informed Ruhti that he was dwiving deliberately pronouncing it wrongly, trying to pre-empt Ruhti’s use of the word. He went on to tell him that he had dwawn the short stwaw, so he would have to dwive the three hours back to Brisbane. Unfortunately, it was no good him wanting somebody to stay awake and to talk to him during the journey, because all were fast asleep before he pulled out of the OK Corral car park.
An hour later, they were all suddenly jolted awake, as Ruhti violently jerked the van in order to get their attention. While shouting out that they had a punctual and that they did not have a spear. Everybody had to get out, so that they could work out what to do next. Somehow they would have to get the puncture repaired. This was not going to be easy as it was still only about 6am. No mechanic was going to be available for at least another couple of hours. The situation was further hampered by the fact that some of them had to be at work by 8am.
The band all lived in a very small old Queenslander house in Wynnum and was working a fiddle with the local council. Three of them had managed to obtain jobs with them, tidying up the suburb and its gardens. The fiddle was that as not many people knew them, they could daily change around which three would turn up to work. The other two used the van as a courier service. Bluey owned the house, which had been left to him after the death of his mother. However, they all chipped in with the, electric, food and phones bills, so all money coming into the house was pooled between them.
They all stood by the side of the main road trying to work out what to do next. Unfortunately, not one of them had a clue. The situation was saved as Lofty pulled up in his very small bright red Austin Mini car, smelling of urine. He had awoken from a deep sleep behind the toilets at the back of the club, to the sight of a dozen seagulls, all gorging themselves on the contents of his vomit that he had neatly spread out on the ground in front of him, the night before. The sudden realisation of the sun appearing above the horizon had panicked him into getting back to Brisbane as quickly as possible. This had turned out to be a blessing in disguise for the stranded “Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers”.
Over the past couple of years, Lofty whose real name was Arthur Mann, had become very friendly with the band. He followed them around to most of their bookings, even the ones that were outside of the Brisbane area. Because of his size, he usually became the brunt of the evening’s jokes, especially the ones from Bluey. However, Bluey’s remarks were a lot kinder than the ones his employer, a strip club owner in the Valley used on him daily. He employed Lofty as part of the entertainment for his drunken patrons. Lofty, to the amusement of all who attended, was the main attraction in a dwarf throwing competition that was held regularly in the club. The valley being the blue light area, the seedy side of town
After a short conversation and a couple of dwarf jokes from Bluey, it was decided that Lofty would take three of the group with him, while the other two would have to stay behind with the vehicle and to somehow get it repaired.
In case there was trouble, it was agreed that Nicky would stay with Ruhti, just to protect him. After all, the back of the van was stuffed full of their main earning power. Together they would both have to remove the offending wheel and then one of them would have to thumb to the nearest garage, while the other guarded all the gear in the back of the van.
Somehow they all managed to pack themselves into the very small car, with Bluey claiming that his knees were neatly tucked under his chin, and that he was ready for blast off. Terry added that he had managed to fold his feet around Claudies neck. Within seconds Blues was asking the others if they could smell anything. After a couple of minute’s silence, Claudie said that to him it smelt like urine. Can't be, we haven’t pulled away yet said Bluey, believing that Loftys driving was about to scare the crap out of them. It’s me, said Lofty, What you got a couple of splashes on your turn up or something, asked Terry. No, I fell in the wrong place at the back of the toilets last night he replied. Strewth, have we got to put up with that smell all the way back to Brisbane, Bluey asked. Feeling daring, and knowing that for once in his life he was truly needed, Lofty was quick to tell Bluey that they could walk. A deathly hush fell upon all those trust up, in side of the little red Austin Mimi car.
As Lofty, pulled away Bluey was already counting the loss for the nights work. Now it would have to include the cost of the puncture repair, along with any costs incurred getting it to the garage. The booking had been a total disaster for the band. Bluey made the remark that they would have been better off staying in bed. Talking of bed, he went on to remind all of them that not one of them had managed to get one of the local debutants between the sheets that night.
He went on to think to himself that if he had managed to get Rosy between the sheets. It would have been a nice experience, but he shuddered at the thought of Two Dogs finding out. If that had been the case, then they would have all ended up in an early shallow grave somewhere in the local forests. However, it did not stop him thinking of her, and that he wished that she lived a little closer to Brisbane so that he might see her once again. She had turned out to be a nice girl and was not intimidated by her father, one little bit. In fact, he had been given the impression that she disliked the way they all lived and carried on at the Purple Fin, Fishing Club. Nicky however, had mentioned to him that it might have been a big act that Rosy was putting on, just to get them into parting with their money a little easier. That point left him wondering, who was right. All those stories might have been made up just to frighten us, well it didn’t work, Bluey thought to himself. We had lost our hard earned money fair and square and like true gentlemen, although he had hated every minute of it.
An hour down the road it started to rain. Within minutes the Mini was full of what looked like a very fine misty haze. As he continued to drive, Lofty tried to explain that sections of the floor had rusted away and that there were large holes under the carpet. If it were not for the mats then they would have been able to see the road rushing past under them. That was what was causing the problem. He continued to tell them that he had not bothered to get it repaired, as it did not rain too often in Queensland. So he had left it for a rainy …... Bluey butted in to end his sentence, by saying, No No don’t tell me you were saving it for a rainy day. He then muttered to himself that they would have been dryer if they had walked. That must have been the first time that nobody in the band laughed at one of his jokes. However, it did not deter Bluey, who added that Lofty should get the floor replaced with a glass one so that he could identify whoever he ran over. It would make it easier for the forensic people. Terry suddenly disturbed the quietness that followed Blueys last joke, when he made the suggestion that when they came to the next big hill they should all stick their feet through the holes in the door and run, so Lofty could save some petrol. Bluey just turned round to look at him and told him to go and count some sheep. Lofty continued to drive and within just a few kilometres all four of them were completely soaked to the skin. It was no good stopping, because even if they waited for it to stop raining, there would still be water lying on the road, and this was what was coming up and inside the car. Anyway, they had to get home because somebody would have to report for work by 8am. That in turn was another problem, because they used the van to cart all of their gear around to each job. So Bluey used his charm and talked Lofty into letting them use his Mini car until the other two guys arrived back from Gympie.