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       The Very Best of Socially Awkward Penguin, p.1
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           Steve Evans
The Very Best of Socially Awkward Penguin
The Very Best of Socially Awkward Penguin

  Steve Evans

  First published 2013 by Quikees

  Copyright 2013 Steve Evans

  All rights reserved. Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of private study, research, criticism or review as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be stored, reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without prior written permission from the publisher.





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  Socially Awkward Penguin

  Line for microwave at work,

  Eat food cold.

  Pick up line worked,

  Don't know what to do next.

  Be polite and hold door open,

  Person too far away, left holding the door.

  Meet socially awkward penguin socially,

  Both feel awkward.

  Start to tell a story,

  Realize no-one's listening and slowly fade out.

  Say 'hey' to pretty girl online,

  Pretty girl goes offline.

  Give girlfriend cuddle,

  Arm goes numb but don't move it.

  Bite off too much to chew,

  Have to chew.

  Say goodbye,

  Person walks off in the same direction.

  People watching you walk,

  Forget how to walk.

  Meet someone new and forget to ask their name,

  Too awkward to ask later so end up never asking.

  Girl waves at you so you wave back,

  Realize it was a cardboard sign.

  Walk down street singing to yourself,

  Realize someone is behind you.

  Start to walk fast to beat red light,

  Still don't make it.

  Someone confronts you,

  Beat them later in your imagination.

  Someone bumps into you,

  You say sorry.

  They forget your fries,

  Don't go back 'coz you don't want to make them mad.

  Stranger talks to you and you answer back,

  They are on the phone.

  See socially awkward penguin meme,

  Totally relate to it.

  Alone in bar,

  Pretend like you're texting.

  Find socially awkward girl,

  Soul mate.

  Check your calls received,

  All from mum.

  Five-second exchange of words,

  Spend next hour thinking about it.

  Take shirt off because it’s hot,

  Put it back 'coz your feel self-conscious.

  Realize you're walking in wrong direction,

  Pretend to check phone before turning around.

  Walk in group along street,

  Always the one that has to avoid lampposts and trees.

  Bored so you invite friend over,

  Even more bored.

  Make fart sound with your chair,

  Do it again to avoid suspicion.

  Go to girls house,

  Family dog smells your crotch.

  New guy at work,

  More popular in three days then you are after three years.

  Hear someone laughing,

  Worry they are laughing at you.

  See someone you know on bus,

  Don't know where to sit, look or what to say.

  Admit to a friend you like an ugly girl,

  Wish you could take it back.

  Text a long and personal story to a friend,

  They reply with one word.

  Laugh really hard over Justin Bieber joke,

  So no one will know you like Justin Bieber.

  Fall off your bike,

  Spend 30 minutes pretending something is wrong with the chain.

  Walk on a flat surface,

  Trip up.

  When at home, want to go out,

  When out, want to be home.

  Out with friends, wander off,

  Friends don't notice.

  Say something funny, only one person hears,

  Person repeats it, everyone laughs.

  Girl shows pictures of her on Facebook,

  Pretend like you're seeing them for the first time.

  Send email,

  Immediately go to sent mail and read it again.

  Friend talks to someone you don't know,

  Just stand there in silence.

  Don't hear what was said,

  Smile and hope it wasn't a question.

  Go to store wearing something you brought there,

  Get nervous they'll think you're trying to steal it.

  Open birthday card,

  Pretend not to notice money whilst reading card.

  About to order pizza,

  Get nervous and rehearse the order a few times before dialing.

  Leave girls house,

  Fart the entire way home.

  Tell friend an interesting story,

  Friend is the one that told you the story.

  Use 'Ha-Ha' at the start of message,

  Have to use 'LOL' at the end.

  Have awkward conversation,

  Replay it over and over in your head for weeks.

  Hear yourself laughing,

  Try to change sound but can't.

  Waiting for the perfect time to say something witty,

  Wait too long, no longer relevant.

  In line to order food,

  Practice saying order in head.

  Hold door open for popular girl,

  Slightly too far away.

  Try to take off sweatshirt,

  Everything comes off - chest revealed.

  Start to tell funny joke,

  Realize half way through nobody's going to find it funny.

  Someone’s shopping cart is blocking the item you want,

  Pretend you’re intensely interested in the surrounding item until they move.

  Someone is mean to you,

  Spend the next five years winning arguments against them in the shower.

  Guy sits down just as you are about to leave,

  Have to wait a minute so he doesn't think it's because of him.

  Call in sick to skip work,

  Act sick all day to ease guilt.

  Multiple outlets of the same fast food restaurant,

  Eat at different ones to avoid being seen as a regular.

  Talk to people that don't speak English well,

  Copy their accents.

  Hairdresser asks if the new haircut looks good,

  Say, "Yes" no matter what.

  Hairdresser is ruining haircut,

  "Looks great, thanks"

  Don't know anyone at the party,

  Become best friends with the dog.

  Girl thinks your leg is the table leg and rests her feet on it,

  Remain absolutely still for five minutes.

  Water goes down the wrong way,

  Try to choke quietly.

  Have to poop at work,

  Wait all day until you get home.

  Co-worker uses your desk to hide someone else's birthday cake,

  Today is your birthday too.

  Start walking,

  Become self-conscious about arms.

  Pick radio station in friend’s car,

  Feel responsible for each and every
crappy song that comes on.

  End chat by saying you’re going to bed.

  Can't sign in to Facebook for the rest of the night.

  No fork at work for lunch,

  Make one out of paperclips rather than go to break room.

  Leave the store without buying anything,

  Act natural, you're innocent.

  See homeless in distance,

  Hold change in pocket when passing so it doesn't jingle.

  Try to sneak picture of hot girl in class,

  Flash goes off.

  Say something funny,

  Repeat it all day to different people.

  Apologize too much,


  Play Frisbee with friends,

  Worry about throwing Frisbee to each person equally.

  Pick up Chinese food,

  Bow whilst saying thank you.

  Get off elevator on wrong floor,

  Keep walking.

  Get unexpected call,

  Don't pick up because you're not mentally prepared.

  Left alone with friend of a friend,

  Talk about friend until they get back.

  Cute girl walks into elevator, perfect time to send that text,


  Introduce girl you like to friends but nervous she won't like them,

  Oh no, she likes them too much!

  Don't take off shirt because of farmers tan,

  Have farmers tan because you never take off shirt.

  Try not to blink during photos,

  Look like psycho in all photos.

  Tell people you have plans for big night out,

  Spend rest of night with lights off.

  Don't get the movie reference,

  Laugh anyway.

  Make self-deprecating joke,

  People respond with "Aww" instead of laughing.

  Fall off the treadmill,

  Start to do crunches.

  Accidentally walk into women's underwear section,

  Walk faster and stare straight ahead so no-one thinks you're a pervert.

  Play friends your new favorite song,

  "It gets better in a minute."

  See dish you want but not sure how to pronounce it,

  Order something else.

  Have a drum kit at home,

  Never play it incase neighbors judge you.

  Accidentally run into chair,


  See friend from high school for first time in five years,


  Someone you kinda know gets on the bus,

  Stare intently out the window till neck stiff.

  Can't find item in store,

  Buy something else to avoid suspicion of stealing.

  No-one comments on your post,

  Wait two minutes and delete it.

  Co-worker calls you by wrong name,

  Guess you're called "Dave" now.

  Someone standing in doorway,

  Didn't need to go in that room anyway.

  Trip while walking,

  Look back at ground like it wasn't your fault.

  Need to ask someone a question,

  Stand beside them for 10 minutes while they finish conversation with someone else.

  Spill water on pants,

  Spill more so you don't look like you peed yourself.

  Use cough to cover fart sound,

  Cough way too early.

  Supermarket gets self-checkout,

  Lose your last piece of human interaction.

  Make a joke,

  Laugh first.

  Arrive too early to a house party,

  Sit in car until someone else goes in.

  Take money out of an ATM,

  Thank it.

  Texting girl before date,

  Run of things to say on date.

  Move your things off a seat to let someone sit down,

  They don't sit down.

  Meet fist bump with high five,

  Squeeze fist.

  Walk pass someone taking a picture,

  Do a Quasimodo (bend knees, duck head).

  Move to Japan,

  Fit in.

  Get picture taken at party,

  Can't wear that shirt to a party ever again.

  Fart in pool,

  Splash around to hide evidence.

  Stop at crosswalk to let car pass,

  Car stops anyway.

  Everyone singing that song that everyone knows,

  Silently move lips and hope no-one notices.

  Going for a haircut,

  Prepare casual conversation topics.

  Staying at girlfriend's parent's house for the first time,

  Hold in pooh for four days.

  Develop silent laugh,

  For use at the cinema.

  Ball kicked in face,

  Hold back tears and return ball.

  Say goodbye to somebody,

  20 minutes before they go

  Log on to Facebook,

  Just to harvest crops.

  Make reference to something funny,

  Explain reference.

  Tell someone to call in 15 minutes,

  Wait two hours beside phone.

  Plan conversation in advance,

  Person says something unexpected.

  Get haircut,

  No-one notices.

  Check your body odor but someone watching you,

  Pretend to wipe nose on arm.

  Sing loudly into iPod,

  Someone walks in.

  Someone notices you staring at them,

  Can’t stop, keep staring at them.

  ‘Like’ cute girl's status,

  Status says, “Cat just died” :-(

  Send second text to girl thinking she didn’t get first one,

  She did.

  Spill drink on pants,

  Stand at angle to make mark harder to see.

  Post something on Twitter,

  No followers.

  Walking up stairs,

  Trip on imaginary step after the last one.

  Get to the pearly gates,

  Have to watch your life all over again.

  Only seat left on the bus is next to you,

  People are standing.

  Friend standing next to you gets invited to party,

  You don’t.

  Step aside to let someone pass,

  Get in someone else’s way.

  Read Socially Awkward Penguin eBook,

  Worry that too many apply to you.

  Use proper grammar online,

  Say LOL in real life.

  Meet old best friend,

  Nothing to talk about.

  Doorbell rings,

  Mute TV… don’t make a sound.

  Give person wrong directions,

  Remember right directions as they drive away.

  Remember awkward situation from the past,

  Feel awkward again.

  Create meme,

  Refresh page every five second to check popularity.

  Stay at friends home,

  Decline food all weekend, "Not hungry."

  Pretend not to care,


  Receive text from cute girl,

  Answer each question in chronological order.

  Trip on crack in sidewalk,

  Break into slow jog.

  Watch classic film,

  Already know plot from The Simpsons parody.

  Didn’t see movie,

  Say you did.

  "Anyone here good with computers?"

  Say nothing.

  Everyone else done eating,

  Guess you are too.

  Hear correct lyrics,

  Keep singing wrong ones.

  Start to tell joke,

  Forget the ending.

  Silent during car trip,

  Everyone keeps asking if you're ok.

  Remember embarrassing moment in public and blush,

  Blush later about this mom

  Try to walk around someone in your path,

  They attempt to walk around in the same direction.

  Go outside with pants zipper open,

  Old lady smiles at you.

  Go to house party,

  Sit in front room and correct resolution on HD-TV.

  Tell everyone it’s your girlfriend texting,

  It's your phone company

  Teacher displays lost jacket in front of whole class,

  Didn't like it anyway.

  Copy someone’s test answers,

  Still fail test.

  Girl smiles at you,

  Look behind you.

  Use public transport,

  Fall in love five times.

  Talk to yourself out loud when no-one's home,

  Mum walks in.

  Skype group chat,

  Nothing to say.

  Walking with two friends on sidewalk,

  Always ends up behind.

  Finish test first,

  Wait for someone else to turn theirs in first.

  Forced into a group project,

  Do all the work to avoid discussion.

  "How long to the baby?"

  Not pregnant.

  Arrive half an hour late to lecture,

  Fall down the stairs.

  Accidentally call the teacher "mom",

  Whole class hears.

  Only one to raise your hand in class,

  Teacher asks someone else to answer.


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