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     The Amish Spaceman

       Stephen Colegrove / Humor
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The Amish Spaceman
The Amish Spaceman


Stephen Colegrove
Copyright Information

Copyright 2014 Stephen Colegrove
First Edition: January 2014

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Holder. Requests for permission should be directed to Stephen Colegrove via e-mail at

Cover design by Stephen Colegrove, Paul Colegrove, Jerry Farris
Editing by Alice Dragan (
Soundtrack by Stephen Colegrove and Alice Dragan

Find out more about the author and upcoming books at the links below:
Twitter @stevecolegrove

Also by the author:
A Girl Called Badger
The Dream Widow
Table of Contents
Copyright Information
Author’s Note
Not A Foreword
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Spurious Footnotes
Full Soundtrack
Coming Soon
Author’s Note

At the beginning of each chapter is a selection of three musical tracks, intended to complement the reading experience like a box of wine complements a Mars bar. Speaking of which, a box of wine (any flavor) and a chocolate snack would be a perfect addition to the enjoyment of this novel. I’m not saying it’s required, but it would certainly be appropriate and definitely ironic to read the book half-drunk and with a belly full of sugary sweets, as this was the same state as the author when he wrote it.

Since my legal team advised against hand-delivering a mix CD to the home address of everyone who purchases the book, I have created a soundtrack on Spotify. The full tracklist is also included after Chapter Twenty.

The Amish Spaceman on Spotify
Alternate link

I wanted to dedicate this book to several individuals important to the creation of this work and to whom I paid vast sums of treasure, but like my therapist, they were adamant that no form of public acknowledgment was necessary or even desired. In any case, you know who you are, and if you don’t, here’s mud in your eye!

Not A Foreword

Against the advice of my editor, publicist, agent, lawyer, and gardening team, I’ve decided not to include a foreword. I find them tacky, offensive, and a waste of time. For me, not the reader. The twelve minutes I’d need to write and edit a proper foreword is twelve minutes taken from my life. That’s twelve minutes when I could be pulling the cat from the crawlspace, teaching the children musketry, or farming virtual trading cards on Steam. I think everyone who’s still reading and hasn’t skipped this bit will agree that those activities are a far better way to spend the currency of life.

My editor has just informed me that just because I say this isn’t a foreword doesn’t make it not a foreword, and that I should stop typing everything she says and grow up this isn’t the way adults discuss things anyway Steve and you know, right, that you’re not getting paid by the word like I am. Of course I knew that.

Enjoy the book!

Amish spaceman |ˈämiSH ˈspāsˌmaen, -mən|
compound noun ( pl. Amish spacemen )
1.(offensive) a person, usually male, focused on a single hobby or occupation to the detriment of a personal life (see otaku, Japanese)
2.a dork

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