Poison on my Pretty LipsPorphyro / Fantasy
POISON ON MY PRETTY LIPS
POISON ON MY PRETTY LIPS
Copyright 2016 PORPHYRO
I. THE EDGE OF A MOST GLOOMY, GOTHIC FOREST
-Welcome to the Witch’s house. I hope you enjoy your stay. It’s not very big and it’s not very bright. But it’s invariably a magical dwelling. It has its super many variations! Tomorrow, the bathroom will be southside, though today it faces east. Little hut, ugly hut. But a very special place to be.
As for who lives here? Ah.
The Witch is worried she’s been found out.
And because she does pose a serious threat….
But what am I on about? ‘Worried.’ Worried? Ha!
She laughs a cackled glee. She may pose a threat. But the kingdom and its shitty army? Ptooey, ptooey. They can’t possibly harm her.
WITCH. Ptooey, ptooey! They can’t possibly harm me!
-But all of a sudden, the Witch hears someone at the door. The rusted knob turns and turns and turns and makes that metal sound. That awful sound like this: CACOPHONY! JINGLE, JINGLE! I’M COMING IN! And can you believe it? The intruder actually has the nerve to start kicking down the door. BOOM, BOOM! The wood makes that awful sound like this: CACOPHONY! CREAK, CREAK! I’M BREAKING WITH EACH BOOT!
But the Witch well knows the door won’t break. It can’t.
WITCH. You’ll never come in that way, you dunce!
INTRUDER. Then I’ll come in through the window!
WITCH. …a girl?!
A GIRL. A girl!
WITCH. A deception!
A DECEPTION (?). No! A girl!
WITCH. Something to throw me off-guard! So they’ve sent me a meek little lamb, eh? And under all that innocent fluff, some daggers….
A GIRL. I demand to be let it!
WITCH. Or perhaps it’s a decoy? A trap? I best go check the back….
-But can you believe the saucy girl? She begins to try and smash the door down again! BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
WITCH. Enough! Enough! Come in!
-And with the snap of her fingers—thumb to that rigid joint—the Witch opens up the door.
At once, the girl comes tumbling in. She reeks of alcohol.
As she staggers about and stammers, the door shuts behind her with violence. She’s locked inside now.
WITCH. You’re locked inside now, girl! Are you happy? Is that what you wanted?
GIRL. I…! I…! <
WITCH. How vile! How crude!
GIRL. But your face!
WITCH. What about my face?
GIRL. How could you call me bile and rude with that face?
WITCH. What’s your name, girl?
GIRL. Huh? Oh…it’s…ah…. <
WITCH. You’re so drunk you can’t even remember your name!
WITCH. Then what is it?
GIRL. Uh…. Ah….
WITCH. You obviously don’t care for it! Hmm. Then let’s change it for you, sweetness. <
HYPOTHESIS. Oh no, no, no, no. That’s such a stupid name!
WITCH. Why are you here, you belligerent girl? You have no respect.
HYPOTHESIS. I’m here to rob you of everything you’ve got! All of it goes! <
WITCH. It’s not very much, is it?
HYPOTHESIS. Oh…. Uh….
WITCH. Would you like the toenails cooking in the pot?
HYPOTHESIS. Oh! Gross!
WITCH. The eyeballs in the stove?!
HYPOTHESIS. No, no, no! Oh Lord, no! What are you making? Eggs?
WITCH. That smell? You wouldn’t want to know. You’re beautiful, girl.
HYPOTHESIS. Oh shush up! I am not…. Well sort of. <
WITCH. Were I a weak man, you might be able to take the house from me with your looks alone. ‘Give it to me and sleep in the woods!’ And the fool would say, ‘Oh! Anything for you, my maiden!’ Boys are stupid. The more gallant they wish to be, the more they enjoy to suffer. You, girl…you, you, you—
HYPOTHESIS. Don’t point at me with that awful finger!
WITCH. You are capable of making many men pleasurably suffer. But I’m no man.
HYPOTHESIS. You might as well be…! <> I’m sorry. That was mean.
WITCH. With what weapon do you plan to rob me with?
HYPOTHESIS. With this one! <
WITCH. No, don’t! You’ll—!
-But the girl raises the bottle over her head. And SMASH! and SMITHEREENS!
The bottle shatters everywhere and all over the Witch’s hut purple smoke shrouds everything.
And when it finally dissipates, the girl has become a butterfly.
WITCH. Oh! I’ll be sure to pluck your eyebrows out for that! Hair by hair! And I’ll regrow them and pluck them twice, you insolent girl! How dare you?! You naughty little hooligan! You ratty brat! What demon gave birth to you?! You pest! You disease! <
HYPOTHESIS. …but what are you?! What was that?!
WITCH. Now tell me, girl! Why are you drunk? And why do you wish to rob me?
HYPOTHESIS. Oh please! Do let me go!
WITCH. Ah! I see! You didn’t know who you were messing with, eh? Thought you could just go on and bully anyone, eh? Did you really think robbing a stranger would be so easy?
HYPOTHESIS. You were isolated! Far away from anyone else….
WITCH. What are you gibbering about? What are you saying?
WITCH. Because what I’m hearing is that you intended to break into someone’s house without a plan. How stupid of you!
HYPOTHESIS. Please! It was something to do.
WITCH. A hobby? A fun little tryst?
WITCH. You’re an actress?
HYPOTHESIS. Or, well—I’m trying to be.