Trump Rules: The 8 Most Frickin’ Bigly Investments I Made with Donald Trump, p.1Matthew Newell
Trump Rules: The 8 Most Frickin’ Bigly Investments I Made with Donald Trump
by Matthew Newell
Copyright © 2015 Matthew Newell
Founder, Newell Capital Venture Partners
Table of Contents
February 16, 1994
November 12, 1996
March 2, 1999
July 8, 2000
Pause for a Great Cause
May 10, 2003
December 3, 2007
October 5, 2011
January 2, 2015
I met Trump in Atlantic City in 1987, two weeks before his best-selling “Art of the Deal” book was published. Having started with nothing, my net worth had crossed the ten million dollar mark shortly beforehand.
“Matthew,” he said, “I like you and I like the kind of business you invest in. These other guys, these rich fancypants guys who are out there in their dumbiest yellow sports cars, they don’t know what they’re doing. They’re all like ‘what what what?’ and you’re like ‘yes yes invest do this that and maybe perhaps even the other thing.’
“You want to talk about return on investment? I’ve got an ROI that drives the Japanaise to pierce their frickin’ chests with swords. Listen, I work with them over there and sell them all sorts of property transactions, but they don’t have the balls to do business like hard working Americans, the ones in their garage discovering computers and the frickin’ cure to cancer molluscs.
“They can’t even run faster than me. I’m serious! There was one Japany who kept looking at me funny with his eye holes, so I said, ‘With all respect that is owed and given and deserved, this is getting a big bit stale. You think you’re better than me? Smarter than me? Faster than me? Let’s run.’ Yeah I said it: ‘Let’s frickin’ run with our leg limbs. Right now in our suits, which, by the way, cost more than all of those cherry trees that you gave combined. From here to that trash can.’ And you know what, Matthew? He didn’t competitively run against me when the gauntlet was presented! What a frickin’ toolnut, those Japans.
“And by the way, what’s with that big drop of Aunt Flow on their flag? Disgustering.
“OK, so let’s make some money, me and you. Like big money. Big, frickin’ big money. Like taller than the frickin' talliest mountain in Africa. Beautiful world, Africana, but – and I’m sorry – those people do not know how to host a businessman. I’m not kidding you, there was the drip-wise heat everywhere. And the cars were terrible, terrible and dirty and my driver didn’t speak English. I kept tapping him on the top of this head, ‘HOW DO YOU MAKE THE AMERICAN DOLLARS WHEN YOU CAN’T SPEAK THE AMERICAN WORDS?’ Don’t get me wrong, he loved it. People love me, all those people on the maps.
“Because Matthew, I want you to know that I frickin' love people. I love ‘em all. I want you to hear this in your head ears. People make me, well… they make me want to dance, since I’m being open and fastidious with you. Dance! Now I’m not going to do that because I’m a respective businessman and my past and future admirers would wonder what I had for breaky.
“What did you have for breaky, Matthew? I frickin' had oatmeal and grapefruit for breaky. Damn it, breaky is just so good for you. So frickin' good. It’s like my doc told me that one time: ‘Eat your frickin' breaky, Don. Your vitality numbers are up and down like a Tetris machine!’ I’m healthy as a well built and positioned bison, for your understanding.”
I’m Matthew Newell and I founded what is now the largest venture capital firm in the world, Newell Capital Venture Partners. After that meeting, Trump and I decided to pool $50 million each in a joint investment account. What happened over the next twenty years can only be described as money magic.
I’d like to share the genesis of those investments with you now.
February 16, 1994
“Matthew, listen to me, I unduly give immense credit to people of Hispatino origin. When it comes time for them to roll up their sleeves and get working, they do it with aplomb and admonition. The problem is, the problem is that with this NAFTA regulations we’re handing the keys to the economic car to the toll booth operator. I mean, am I the only one seeing this?! Of course I frickin’ am.
“By the way, my custom Cadillac was most certainly not built in Mexican and nothing of valued quality will be able to get over the wall that I will built using their laborers. You know the key to the Mexician’s success? Breaky. They value breaky.
“Matthew, tell me, what did you have for breaky today? I myself personally had a cantaloupe delivered to me at the Tower. Now the cantaloupe, that’s a good fruit. Have you ever simply sat back and taken in the world through the prism of a good, quality cantaloupe? I read a lot of newspapers, Matthew, and it’s a full scene of interpretation when I’m eating a cantaloupe and reading the storieds in the world’s newspapers. The trick is to eat it with a fork, not a spoon like most normals do. The fork lets the ‘loupe drip a little before you eat it. It self-corrects. And by the way, a self-correcting fruit is the best kind of fruit. I think most people would agree with that but don’t really have the know-it-all to acknowledge or even contribution to that simple fact system.
“Have you ever contemplated the horrors of war at a Brony convention? Life changing, truly.
“Now let’s talk about this investment, OK? Because what are we doing if we’re not investing? We’re doing nothing, Matthew. Nothing. Men like you and me, we were born to invest. We were born with an ROI table in our mouths. I was buying and selling kindergarten textbooks before those imbeciles could talk. Did you know that in Norwayian they start kindergarten in the womb? Truthfully I don’t know if we should ask that of our mothers and kids but it goes to showcase that our lack of educationally available notions are broadly comparable to the Chinas or the Singaporians or even frickin’ Timbuktu!
“OK, sorry, I’m digression. I want this investment to work bigly. Because NAFTA, as history will show, will become a four ring, no ten ring circus, filled with job loss clowns and unionized walking elephants. One thousand million ring circus, Matthew. I truly believe, that when the dust is whisked away to a nether region, that NAFTA will be known as the illest prepped, worst trade dealing in our country’s history.
“Now look, I know Bill Clinton and I like Bill Clinton and Bill Clinton is a smart guy. I love what Bill Clinton has done with Canadia and the economy and other some-such-things. But he doesn’t understand the hubris of the Mexiconians or how this will trigger gun a trade battle with many, many more third wordly enterprises. He just doesn’t get that! I could get him on the phone right now, right now – I’m being serious! – and he would accolade that the deal isn’t perfect but he still thinks that it will be net positively. Well, history is the judgiest of them all as we all well know, by the way.
“But we can’t see this legislationing as a problem, but as an opportunity. As you know, I’ve made millions and millions of dollars by seeing something change, like a law or consumable behavior, and seizure the moment for it. The opportunity here is that these Mexicanos are going to be jealous of all of the pleasures afforded to us Americans. The cars and the lovely wives and duck fat and silk pajamas, which, by the
“So how do we take advantage? With our new financial services business Mexican Jumping Lien.
“They come over here, they get thrown in jail for stealing our silk PJs, their family wants to bail them out, so we as good businessmen and investmentors give them a Mexican Jumping Lien. Can I say – well, I’m going to say it – it’s brilliant. Damn near perfect. You see, we have many situations and accolades lining up here to give us a brilliant business opportunity based on a politicalment miscalculation. So what – so what about NAFTA? We’ll make money if they pass NAFTA or TRASHTA or SMASHYA. Because Matthew, that’s what we do, people like you and me, we make money at hidden opportunities and causeways.”
Business: Mexican Jumping Lien
Industry: Financial services
Investment amount: $12 million
5 year ROI: 217%
November 12, 1996
“OK, I think I get it. I log in, and I pick out a book. Then I give Amazons money for the book, then they put that book in the mail? Right? I mean, what am I missing here? Any dope in the world could do this, right? I know the top publishers in the world, Matthew. I mean top top. Like Steve King.
“Have you ever read ‘It’? Scary, scary stuff. I had to have Marla wake me up every hour to make sure I wasn’t coma-ed after reading the first two pages. I mean, wow, that is one messed up man. How does he come up with this scary stuff? I bet he invites little kids over to his house and yells really scary stuff at them then monitors their reactions. Whichever one makes them tinkle the most in their pants, well, he writes a frickin’ book on that said topic!
“Sorry, I got distracted. I thought that there was an illegal stuck in my pant leg line.
“But I am here and there to tell you that no one will ever make money selling books on the innerwebs! It doesn’t make any sense! I mean, I use technology to do new stuff, not old stuff like printed materials! By the way, have you seen the new pamphlet for my Malibu golf course? Invest your eye holes in this, Matthew – it’s beautiful. On the fifth hole, I put an American flag up so high that the frickin’ astronauts can see it. I mean it! I called up NASA and said, ‘Look down, you spacer nerds, and look at my awesome flying stars and stripes on the fifth hole!’ All they could say was, ‘Hey Donald, we’re repairing some of our equipment but we will get around to that soon.’ Can you believe it – the nerve of these people?! I mean, I pay their salaries. Sure, not directly, but I am their boss because I am a taxable payer. I should frickin’ fire them all and fly that shuttle around myself. I could do it, too!
“People don’t want to buy books on the infrareds, Matthew – but you know what they do want to buy? Breaky! As you know, breaky is the most important meals of anytime, anywhere because it’s so frickin’ delicious. Marla and I, just the other day, had a boiled egg and some toast, and it was beautiful. It was satisfying and enchanting and all around us wonderful for our stomach pouches and taste buds. That is how to make money inline, Matthew. Selling breaky on the computer.
“Think about it – there I am and it’s in the morning. I have had a pleasant night of sleeping at any one of my finest establishmentors, so I’m relaxed but hungry. Now what if this said person could call a computer and that computer could call our computer and look at different breaky options?! By the way, we could have like ten different things to order! I’m thinking off of the tops of my head, but we could have eggs, we could have bacons, we could have frickin’ oatmeal, we could have orange juices, we could have, um…. OK, so maybe not ten orders, but how many was that, five or six? Write those down, we’ll start there and then expand based on trends and researchers.
“BREAKY! I’m going to say this now: this is a multi-million dollar idea. I don’t know if you know this, Matthew, but there is a need for this for every person in the galaxy. That’s the great connection that we all feel – we all love and respect the breaky. By the way, I did meet some Russionians one time who said that they didn’t love breaky. I said: ‘No frickin’ way you’re telling me that right now.’ They said that they skipped breaky every morning and went to work and waited until lunch to eat their food stuffs! My head is like exploding like a gas can at that particular moment in times!
“So you know what I did? I made them breaky, right then and there. And it… was… so.... frickin’ delicious! Their faces could not constrain the enthusiasm they had for this new meal. I think it was maybe blueberries and a waffle? Rejointless, they loved it. They started chanting my name and trying to pick me up like I had saved their asses in World War II, which, by the way, I’m pretty sure that me or my ancestry did do, but I don’t want to digression.
“What do we do to make this idea work? Do I tell my computer to put up the menu for the people who want to order the breakys? I swear this thing slows down and sometimes stops like there’s a Hispatino sitting in there taking a siestive. Frickin’ wake up in there and make me my much deserved and beloving breaky!”
Business: Breaky on Internet
Industry: Online food delivery
Investment amount: $32 million
5 year ROI: 115%
March 2, 1999
“I have these people, thousands of them, and they look at the computer and they type things and they eat an enormity of pizza and they make all of the Trump franchises look great on the internets. They told me about this Y2K thing and, because I understand business, I know what devastating effects this can have on the world technologies and surfing the webs. That affects business. People think this is going to affect a subset of a subset of a subset of nerd, but here’s something they don’t know: that big airplane in the sky with engines and innocent people on the board, that airplane is using a computer! Yeah, frickin’ right, I told you directly.
“What I need to do is get the words out to the media and the shoppers that Y2Ks is real and they need to be preparing for it. By the way, the medias, they love me. Just love me. And why not – I’m good entertainment for them! And it goes beyond those, it’s that there’s value to my word choices. When I say these words, those such things happen. But if I happen to say these other words instead, it can move markets and indexes and the funds and everything! People listen to me! And why shouldn’t they? I have made money, directly or elsenot, for them and their retirement community and elders. Anytime anyone wants to get serious on the media, they call me. And I talk to them. I can talk to them about a levy of informations, like the real estate or the taxes or American or even science! Yes, the frickin’ science, Matthew! I was talking to a media outcome the other day about global warming. I basically pulled the lid off of that scandal – I mean I exposed like a thousand hundred scientists for not doing their jobs but getting all politics and really making things up for Gore.
“Albert, as you know, is a friend – but I don’t trust him as far as I can sock him. He’s a politics through and through and that will always be and is and will be the case. This election isn’t going to be competitive at all. Bush has the Ohio and the Illinois and the Floridas, so why don’t they hand him the trophy and save the taxers some money?
“I was thinking that the homeless probably don’t smell as bad in dog dreams.
“Let’s talk about more the Y2Ks. As I articulate it, they made the computers with two numbers instead of four. So when it turns to 2000, the computers are going to turn into Abraham Lincoln in 1900 and try to buy slaves and not even know that they are the computer! By the way, the Civil War? Now that was a tragestry, that was a pure tragestry. Here you have like a million people trying to run their business, you know with cotton and tobacco and trading, and the frickin’ government comes in and says they can’t! They have no rights to the goods and services that they legally purchased with wholesome American dollars. I’m telling
“What I want to do is, if I already have these thousands of computer geniuses working for me – and believe me Matthew, take it from me, they are frickin’ geniuses – if they are fixing my computers then they should have the upmost ability to fix the nation’s computers. So we charge a few bucks and make some money, am I right?
“The key to this business is the marketing. I’m good at marketing. Like Trump good. Once when I was a kid I decided that I was going to sell the socks right off of my feet. Do you know how much money I made in the transactional? Twenty grand. Twenty frickin’ grand, Matthew, for a pair of sock that smelled of day old porcupine tongue. That was a lot of money in 1902! I treated my mothers and fathers to new houses and cars and animal coats. They love me, by the way – really, really love.
“In no way, shape or forms did my fathered humiliate me when I was growing up. There are lots of rumors and incendiaries in the medias that he would say things like ‘Donald, you’ll never amount to anything’ and ‘Get down off the counter – you were supposed to be a girl anyway.’ He loved me, but he loved me the way that fathers were supposed to love kids back then.
“It was different back then. I mean, you could punch a horse. Walk frickin’ up to a horse and say, ‘I don’t like the way you’re looking at me’ and whamo smack it right in its cheek bone. And it was fun – so much fun! The cops loved it too. They’d help us form a line to punch the policer horses. I’m pretty sure that the horses loved it, loved the attention too, but I cannot validate or promise that. I am a very articulation and engaging man but communication with the animals is above my pay grade. Wait – I ousted myself – there are no additional pay grades above mine, as you truly and forcefully already acknowledged!
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