My forever, p.1
The Infinite Love Series, Book One
By: Kira Adams
Copyright © 2014 Krista Pakseresht. All rights reserved.
Cover design by Cover Me Designs
Table of Contents
One: Self Destruction at its Best
Two: Worth Fighting For
Three: Did Someone Say Bitch?
Four: You’re Damn Lucky I Love You
Five: Stuck in a Drama of My Own Creation
Six: A Picture Perfect Intervention
Seven: So This is What Low Feels Like
Eight: Baby Steps and Lunges
Nine: A Dangerous Mistake
Ten: Oh, the Mountains We Can Climb
Eleven: Normal is as Normal Does
Twelve: Back on That Love Track
Thirteen: Fighting Against the Current
Fourteen: What are Friends For?
Fifteen: The Winners Circle
Sixteen: So You’re Telling Me I Conquered a Gay Guy?
Seventeen: Love Doesn’t Know Boundaries
Eighteen: Forever & Always
Nineteen: A Friendly Confession
Twenty: Life Only Makes Sense with You
Twenty One: Backed into a Corner
Twenty Two: Trouble in Paradise
Twenty Three: Fighting for what Matters
Twenty Four: Conflicted
Twenty Five: Into the Unknown
Twenty Six: Passion Ignited
Twenty Seven: A Missing Spark
Twenty Eight: Do Not Make Me Decide
Twenty Nine: A Fresh Beginning
Thirty One: Goodbye is the Hardest Part
Thirty Two: Happily Ever After
There was never a doubt in my mind that Parker and I were soul mates. No one had ever made me feel the way he did, and I didn’t want them to. Through all the hard times, he was there. Parker was the only person I could lean on, the only person I could talk to about my feelings. He brought me out of my depression. He helped me see the light again.
She was the girl of my dreams. It was the most amazing feeling in the world being in love with your best friend. Madalynne was unlike any other girl I had come upon. She was in a league of her own. When my brother Bo passed, I slipped into a deep depression, and even though I pushed Madalynne away at every turn, she never gave up on me. I owed her my life, and I wanted to spend the rest of mine making her happy.
One – Self Destruction at its Best
I had only ever experienced the feeling once before. The gripping terror, the beating of my heart ferociously against my chest. I was swallowing loudly in an attempt to clear my ears.
There was no way.
I heard the scream before my body registered and went barreling towards the noise—towards my mother’s crumpled body in the door frame.
I glanced out to the porch, a male and female dressed in full military gear were staring back at me, their sad expressions hard to miss.
My legs became jello.
“He’s not…” I gripped the doorframe for support. Suddenly, I felt arms reach underneath my armpits. I looked back thankfully at my best friend.
“Ma’am, may we come in?” The rugged looking male spoke finally, a look of sympathy plastered across his face.
Between my mother’s sobs, my stilted breaths, and the ringing that was piercing my ears was when I knew nothing was ever going to be the same again.
* * *
Three Weeks Later
“Honey,” my father’s voice came into my darkened room.
I didn’t respond. My room had been my safe haven since…
I was surprised my father was even home; ever since the news, he had been doing his best to stay as far away from my mother as possible. The only reason I knew was the slamming shut of his car door and the loud roar of his engine every time he peeled away.
It was always the same.
My mother blamed my father for Mason’s death, basically insinuating he pushed Mason to join the army.
Mason was my older brother, he was five years older than me…but still my father’s baby. He would never have harmed a hair on my brother’s head.
So what if my father had urged Mason to join the military…was it a crime to want something better for your child? And plus, I knew how much it had always meant to Mason—he loved making us proud.
“Parker is here,” my father whispered into the darkness. I had almost forgotten he was there.
My breath caught in my throat—my heart beating wildly, it’s funny how just hearing his name had such an effect on me.
He can’t see me like this.
I remained still as ever, my back turned to my father, attempting to steady my breathing. As much as I had loved Parker, I didn’t know that I could handle him—so I pretended to be asleep; a total wimp.
Finally, I heard my father sigh heavily before footsteps followed and then my door closed.
I felt terrible turning Parker away, but I was positive I looked like death.
Quickly, I turned my bedside lamp on, illuminating my small room.
I headed for my vanity mirror and the reflection staring back made me wince.
My once lively chocolate eyes were anything but. They appeared dull and lifeless. My normal bouncy brown curls were greasy and flat; sticking to my forehead.
My eyes looked sunken in from my near constant sobbing. No one deserved to see me in such a state—least of all, Parker.
I ran a hand tiredly through my ratty and uncombed mess of hair when I heard my phone vibrate. I picked up the phone and stared at the screen; it was a text message.
I know you’re not asleep.
Way to go Captain Obvious, I thought to myself.
Another came in. But I know what you’re going through—I’ve been there and I forgive you.
Parker Grant. My boyfriend of three years. Best friends since we were babies. We had seen each other naked even…when we were five.
While I always knew Parker was the one for me, it took him just a bit longer to develop romantic feelings for me. It wasn’t even until the end of eighth grade that he came upon the realization that he didn’t like the idea of me with anyone else. And we had been together ever since.
I remember the night like it was yesterday. The surprise of Parker crashing my group date—the violent thumping of my heart against my chest as he finally, after what felt like an eternity, gave me the one thing I had been wishing on and hoping on forever…him. When he lowered his lips to mine the first time, fireworks took over my vision. It was everything I could have imagined and more. Nothing was the same after that; it was better.
But we had problems like any normal couples; the deaths in both of our families not only bringing us closer, but pushing us apart in other ways. Not too long after Parker and I became an item I found out an online friendship he had begun with a female from another state named Jacqueline.
Parker had kept their relationship from me, fearful of how I would react to it. I didn’t let it go lightly. In fact, it almost tore us apart. But Parker meant more to me than losing him to some online relationship with a girl he had never even met. I knew my worth; I knew Parker was my soul mate. So I fought for him. He explained to me all the ways Jacqueline helped him through his grief after losing his brother, Bo. I always wished I could have been the one there for him through that tough time, but was thankful for he
I allowed the friendship to continue in hopes that it would bring Parker and me closer; allowing him to be honest with me about their relationship. And it did; a new trust was formed, tightening our bond with one another.
You caught me, I typed back timidly.
Please don’t push me away.
My face fell. That was the last thing I wanted but I was angry with the world—I didn’t think I would benefit being around anyone.
I never imagined I would ever be the one pushing Parker away…I had nightmares of it going the opposite way nightly—I woke up in sweats worried I would never be good enough for him.
But losing Mason was like being sawed in half. I lost a huge part of myself the day he died. I wasn’t even sure of what I wanted anymore. Life had lost its appeal.
It’s almost as if I thought that if I tore my life up and fucked up everything good I had going for me it would bring a spark back into my life, a flame. And so that’s exactly what I did.
Two – Worth Fighting For
She was broken like I had been so badly before. I knew she was hurting; hell I had been there. But last time I pushed her away—I made the biggest mistake of my life. My life honestly made no sense without my girlfriend.
I had been dating Madalynne Johnson for a little over three years and she was what made my world go round. Losing her felt like being suffocated. I couldn’t imagine a day without her big brown eyes, her naturally beautiful sandy brown hair, or her smile was to die for. She could light up a room with one open-mouthed smile…and all eyes would be on her. I never felt a hundred percent worthy of her, but I never gave up.
We had already been through hell and high water, but with the passing of her brother Mason, I wasn’t sure we could make it out unscathed.
He was killed by a roadside bomb while deployed in Lebanon.
I had always looked up to Mason, almost like a brother. He was the closest thing I had to it after I lost Bo. His passing was rough on the both of us, his sister and me...but especially her. I noticed the light that had always shone on her face suddenly fade, her happiness and joy destroyed in that explosion. And it was just the beginning of her parents’ marital problems.
I understood why she was pushing me away; her unexplained guilt over his death—but my brother Bo had always told me she was the one and if I wanted her I would have to fight for her…his words were the one thing that I lived by.
I know I didn’t show it enough, but Madalynne meant the world to me. She had been there for me in my darkest hours, and I owed my life to her. She never knew the extent to which she changed and touched my life, but I wanted to make sure she never went a day questioning my love or feelings for her, it was the least I could do for her.
There was only one other person I felt like I could share myself entirely with. Her name was Jacqueline Blunt. I had never met her in person, but I had begun an internet friendship with her a couple of years ago, shortly after my brother Bo, committed suicide. I was only thirteen years old at the time and I was never the same. I was the one who had found him. I had come home from school one day and had gone into the bathroom, only to find him hanging from the ceiling in the tub.
The vision of his lifeless body hanging there has never left my mind. In the beginning the screams were echoing so loud and hard, I didn’t realize it was actually me screaming. When I finally willed my legs to move I ran around the house frantically searching for something to cut him down. When I finally cut him loose, he fell to the floor in a lifeless heap. I just held him there, crying, cursing at him, and asking him why he left me. His body was blue, so incredibly blue.
He was only two years older than me. I wondered what could have been so terrible that he would have wanted to take his own life. I blamed myself for not being able to prevent it, to see the signs.
Bo had even left a suicide letter; one that will be etched into my brain forever. He wrote of his struggles with his sexuality. He wrote of the torment his peers had put him through. Things he had kept hidden for far too long. He wrote of the bullies that in his heart pushed him to this decision.
It broke my heart that he didn’t feel comfortable coming to anyone in my family for help or guidance. He had always made it seem so easy; life; I came to understand he had been living a lie.
My parents and I were blindsided. We’d had no clue. The killer part about it was that it wouldn’t have mattered to me, definitely not my mother…but my father was a loose cannon. We never knew how he would react.
It really did a number on my family. My parents couldn’t stand the sight of each other, each secretly blaming the other. They slept in separate bedrooms for almost a year after Bo. Recently they had been sharing the same bedroom and things seemed almost civil.
I shut down almost entirely after my brother left me. I isolated myself. I pushed the closest people away from me. There was a time I didn’t even see Madalynne. An entire summer I avoided her because she just reminded me of Bo. I couldn’t stand to be around her. I couldn’t stand to see her and be reminded of the memories of all of us as children—building forts and making up plays. She was the only person who knew that losing Bo was going to turn my world upside down.
She reached out for me, I pulled further away. In that dark time, I joined an online chat room about suicide and met a young girl, like myself, Jacqueline. She was a couple of years younger than me, but she could relate to my story because like my brother, she had fallen victim to the darkness inside herself. Only, she didn’t succeed. I was so angry at Bo at the time. Jacqueline was like a Godsend, helping me understand why he would ever do such a thing; helping refocus my anger; helping me find love again and be able to forgive Bo and move on.
I spent months getting lost in conversations online with Jacqueline. She would make me forget, for even just a little bit of time, that I had lost my best friend and brother. I felt guilty for pushing Madalynne away and building this new relationship behind her back with Jacqueline. I knew with 100% certainty that Madalynne was head over heels in love with me. And prior to Bo passing away, I was positive as well that I was going to be spending the rest of my life with her. Just like I knew she wished, just like I knew our families hoped.
But as soon as Bo passed away, everything changed. I changed. Being around Madalynne was gut wrenching for me; too much for me to handle in my fragile state. So I spent my middle school days behind a computer screen flirting with a girl I had never even met.
Three – Did Someone Say Bitch?
“Hey, can I check my email?” I asked Parker, referring to using his computer.
“Sure,” he shouted back from the bathroom.
I hopped onto the chair at his desk and wiggled the mouse to pull up his desktop. I smiled lightly to myself at the picture of Parker, his brother Bo, me, and my brother Mason when we were just little ones.
I miss you Bo, I thought to myself before double clicking on the internet link. A page pulled up from the bottom of the screen. Parker must have been checking his email. Just as I was about to close out of it and sign into my own a females name caught my eye. Jacqueline. Who is that? I wondered to myself.
I heard the bathroom door shut and the water turn on. I looked hesitantly at the closed door. Knowing every bit that what I was about to do was wrong.
Knowing that I couldn’t help myself, being able to hear Parker in the shower helped. I scrolled through his inbox, taking a mental note that there were hundreds of emails exchanged with this female. My heart sunk into my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick. I had barely gotten Parker back…and now this threat to our newly defined relationship? I wasn’t sure I could take it.
I clicked on the most recent email, quickly peeking back at the bathroom to make sure he was still showering. My heartbeat was thumping in my ears, but I tried to silence it to listen for the water splashing against the tile. I closed my eyes for a moment, breathing a sigh of relief when I could hear Parker s