A modest proposal, p.1
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       A Modest Proposal, p.1

           Jonathan Twit
 
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A Modest Proposal
A MODEST PROPOSAL

  For Preventing Immigrants And Refugees From Being A Burden

  And For Making Them

  Beneficial To The Economy

  by

  Jonathan Twit

  Copyright © 2010 Jonathan Twit

  All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  ***

  A MODEST PROPOSAL

  For Preventing Immigrants And Refugees From Being A Burden

  And For Making Them

  Beneficial To The Economy

  Written for the Universal Improvement of Australia by Jonathan Twit

  All up and down the nation, in parliament and in tearooms, in newsprint and on the internet, there has been much debate on the problem of immigrants and asylum seekers. By the volume and vehemence of the hue and cry it seems every inch of our shoreline is threatened by a vast wave of people as unstoppable and devastating as any tsunami. Some wish to turn the waves back, some want them to wash over us but all are in agreement that it costs too much. Finding a solution to this problem is an unhappy prospect for anyone, from politicians to public servants to protestors. Whatever the approach proposed, chosen, or attempted it seems to satisfy only a few while offending many. It is condemned as inhumane, uneconomical, not pragmatic enough, not ideal enough, or any combination thereof, being an insult to most and of benefit to few, all the while over burdening the public coffers.

  Yet it need not be so - after much consideration I have drawn conclusions showing the nature of the problem and demonstrating a solution of universal benefit, in which regard this modest proposal is presented: that those who come to us with the intention of living without rape, murder, persecution, false imprisonment and exploitation, or being so audacious as to seek in this land a means of making a living, should be put to good use rather than, by their great number and by their potential to spread terror in the land, being an unbearable burden on the good and decent citizens of this country.

  Through extensive research of a variety of cultural culinary practices existing before they were so cruelly stamped out by colonial imperialists, I have learned that a young healthy Child, well nursed is, at a Year old, a most delicious, nourishing and wholesome food, whether Stewed, Roasted, Baked, or Boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a Fricasie, or Ragout.*[Some detractors have insinuated that the variance in tone of this sentence is proof enough of my having plagiarized it from some source superior to myself. Such comments are more evidence of their limited imagination than my lack of integrity, firstly insofar as they cannot imagine one individual could employ more than one style or tone, and secondly in their assumption that an admirable word could not possibly come from my pen.] Given the pork like quality of the flesh, I'm informed by a leading gourmand that to exploit the natural virtues of the meat to full advantage, no means of preparation could be better than our beloved traditional barbeque, particularly on the grill, since allowing the fat to drip into the flames would infuse the flesh with a gorgeous smoky flavour.

  Estimated Revenue

  It requires only the roughest of calculations to demonstrate beyond doubt the financial viability of the proposal. Using the retail price of a suckling pig of $200*[How To Cook A Suckling Pig On A Spitroast https://www.eatshowandtell.com, 18/05/2010] as a benchmark, proceeding from the currently least useful, from whom the greatest benefit may thereby be obtained in terms of opportunity cost, based on recent Australian government statistics*[ Fact Sheet 60 - Australia's Refugee and Humanitarian Program], 2497 individuals per annum who received a humanitarian visa onshore (known through the media as 'queue jumpers') would contribute $499,400 to GDP. If we include all 13,507 asylum seekers, the figure is $2,701,400. Adding to that 7,582,514 unskilled migrants we would have a billion dollar industry: $10,283,914. Including skilled migrants would yield a contribution to GDP more than three times that amount: $34,427,400.

  Estimated Cost Savings

  These figures may be placed in relation to the current cost of maintaining refugees year after year in luxury prisons, representing additional value through savings. Given that an 800 bed detention centre costs $396 million to build and it costs $170 a day to detain a refugee, our asylum seekers currently cost $557,050 each (totalling $6,685,965,000) in the first year, and $62,050 each year after (totaling $838,109,350) amounting to a grand total of $7,524,074,350 per annum. Expeditious processing of refugees would reduce these costs to negligible levels. These figures are summarised in the below table (Table 1) and pie graph.

 
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