Bright Lights, Big Ass

      Jen Lancaster
Bright Lights, Big Ass

From Publishers Weekly

Lancaster (_Bitter Is the New Black_) is a plus-sized, downwardly mobile Republican. She makes fun of disabled people. She cracks nasty about Anna Nicole Smith (granted, she was still alive at the time). She annotates her text with footnotes cheering herself on. When she's feeling particularly mean, she writes in her own "pidgin Spanish." But in spite of all her politically incorrect rantings, there are times when Lancaster is just too on-target to ignore. People who worry about Bush imposing the Christian lifestyle on everyone, for instance, should take heart from how he's raised his daughters—those "twins are but a Jell-O shot away from starring in the presidential edition of Girls Gone Wild." Even if readers can't altogether sympathize when Lancaster has to downscale her shopping "Holy Trinity" from Bloomingdale's, Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus to IKEA, Target and Trader Joe's—they know what she means when she talks about the relentlessly cheerful sales staff at Trader Joe's, the tough-love staff at Target or how IKEA's going to take over America by keeping us all busy with Allen wrenches. Her humor is a bit like junk food—something you can enjoy when no one is looking. (May)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Product Description

Jen Lancaster hates to burst your happy little bubble, but life in the big city isn't all it's cracked up to be. Contrary to what you see on TV and in the movies, most urbanites aren't party-hopping in slinky dresses and strappy stilettos. But lucky for us, Lancaster knows how to make the life of the lower crust mercilessly funny and infinitely entertaining.

Whether she's reporting rude neighbors to Homeland Security, harboring a crush on her grocery store clerk, or fighting-and losing-the Battle of the Stairmaster- Lancaster explores how silly, strange, and not-so-fabulous real city living can be. And if anyone doesn't like it, they can kiss her big, fat, pink, puffy down parka.

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    If You Were Here

      Jen Lancaster
If You Were Here

The fiction debut of the New York Times bestselling author of My Fair Lazy. Told in the uproariously entertaining voice readers have come to expect from Jen Lancaster, If You Were Here follows Amish-zombie-teen- romance author Mia and her husband Mac (and their pets) through the alternately frustrating, exciting, terrifying-but always funny-process of buying and renovating their first home in the Chicago suburbs that John hughes's movies made famous. Along their harrowing renovation journey, Mia and Mac get caught up in various wars with the homeowners' association, meet some less-than-friendly neighbors, and are joined by a hilarious cast of supporting characters, including a celebutard ex- landlady. As they struggle to adapt to their new surroundings- with Mac taking on the renovations himself- Mia and Mac will discover if their marriage is strong enough to survive months of DIY renovations.

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    By the Numbers

      Jen Lancaster
By the Numbers

The New York Times bestselling author of The Best of Enemies serves up a hilarious new novel of the "sandwich generation."

Actuary Penny Sinclair has a head for business, and she always makes rational decisions. Knowing that 60% of spouses cheat and 50% of marriages end in divorce, she wasn't too surprised when her husband had an affair. (That he did so with a woman their daughter's age? Well, that part did sting a bit.) She just made sure she got everything in the divorce, including their lovely old Victorian house. And as soon as her middle daughter has her hipster-fabulous wedding in the backyard, she's trading it in for a condo in downtown Chicago...

Well within the average market time in her area, Penny gets an offer on the house. But then life happens. Her children, her parents and her ex come flying back to the nest, all in need of Penny's emotional—and financial—support. Spread thin, Penny becomes the poster child for the...
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    My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict's Attempt to Discover

      Jen Lancaster
My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict's Attempt to Discover

Amazon.com Review

Jen Lancaster and Dave Barry: Author One-on-One

The New York Times has pronounced Humor Hotel and Jen Lancaster eventually took over his nationally syndicated humor column.

Dave: Which has a higher IQ: gravel or the cast of Jersey Shore?

Jen: On the surface, gravel clearly seems to have the edge. Gravel’s managed to exist for thousands of years without ever once having started a bar fight when someone looked at its Ed Hardy T-shirt funny. However, after the episode where Pauly D. went swimming and emerged from under the water with every hair still firmly in place, I’m forced to declare Jersey Shore the winner. The kind of civil/chemical engineering it takes to hold that ’do in place is nothing short of genius.

Dave: What can we, as a nation, do about the Kardashians?

Jen: One word: caning.

Dave: Do you ever watch Dog the Bounty Hunter? If so, do you agree that he would be a really fun United States senator?

Jen: I love Dog and believe he’d be a fantastic senator. He’s clever, he’s efficient, he’s no-nonsense, and he’s not afraid to knock a few heads together if needed. He’s exactly what this country needs. Plus, I’d like Mr. Dog to Go to Washington if for no reason other than to see his wife dressed up like Jackie O while on the campaign trail. (The caveat is I’m from Illinois and most of our living governors are felons, so it’s possible my standards aren’t terribly high.)

Dave: How come women are so good at appearing to not be thinking about sex?

Jen: Because we’re the ones in charge of doling it out, so there’s no guesswork involved on our part. Ergo, we can think about more important stuff. Like handbags.

Dave: Like many men, I have four kinds of shoes: 1) black shoes, 2) brown shoes, 3) sneakers 4) backup sneakers. Do I need more? What should they be?

Jen: I reject the premise of this question because whereas most men own four pair of shoes, they own nine different kinds of hammers. Framing? Claw? Tack? Ball-peen? Any woman worth her salt knows that almost all household repairs can be accomplished with one of two tools—a butter knife or the heel of a loafer.

Dave: Do you think ketchup has to be kept in the refrigerator? Why?

Jen: Yes, but less for food safety concerns and more because we don’t want to damage the self-esteem of the other condiments. (Mayonnaise can be so self-conscious.)

Dave: Are cats malicious, or actually the spawn of Satan?

Jen: Um, cats are wonderful and loving little creatures who live to make us happy, and they only barf in our shoes and scratch the bejesus out of our new ottomans and trip us at the top of the stairs to demonstrate exactly how special we are to them. They are in no way, shape, or form evil, meaning they would never trap me and both of my dogs in my office, causing me to send out cryptic interview answers hoping desperately the reader will properly interpret them and SEND HELP.

(Photo of Dave Barry © Raul Ribiera/Miami Herald)
(Photo of Jen Lancaster © Jeremy Lawson)

From Publishers Weekly

After embarrassing herself in front of her idol Candace Bushnell, popular memoirist Lancaster (Such a Pretty Fat, Bitter is the New Black) decides she needs more in her life than reality TV and hamburgers; to that end, she sets out on an Eliza Doolittle-esque project of cultural self-improvement to expand her knowledge of art, fine dining, and all the attendant trappings of "high class" life. Lancaster's latest will no doubt appeal to fans of her blog and her other books, but readers unfamiliar with her strident manner will have to get past her abrasive, initially judgmental façade; she puts on a proud display of her ignorance that can be off-putting, especially when couched in her excessively scattered writing style. Though she's unquestionably funny and comfortable in her own skin, for all the joking self-regard there's little actual exploration, and the analysis of what she does find doesn't go far beyond a sassy thumbs-up or thumbs-down.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

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    The Best of Enemies

      Jen Lancaster
The Best of Enemies

Bridesmaids meets Big Little Lies in a novel told from the alternating perspectives of two women who define the term frenemies—from New York Times bestselling author Jen Lancaster.

Jacqueline Jordan knows conflict. A fearless journalist, she’s spent the past decade embedded in the world’s hot spots, writing about the fall of nations and the rise of despots. But if you were to inquire about who topped Jack’s enemy list, she’d not hesitate to answer: Kitty Carricoe.

Kitty reigns supreme over the world of carpools and minivans. A SAHM, she spends her days caring for her dentist husband and three towheaded children, running the PTA, and hiding vegetables in deceptively delicious packed lunches.

Kitty and Jack haven’t a single thing in common—except for Sarabeth Chandler, their mutual bestie. Sarabeth and Jack can be tomboys with the best of them, while Sarabeth can get her girly-girl on with Kitty. In fact, the three of them were college friends until the notorious incident when Jack accidentally hooked up with Kitty’s boyfriend…

Yet both women drop everything and rush to Sarabeth’s side when they get the call that her fabulously wealthy husband has perished in a suspicious plane crash. To solve the mystery surrounding his death, Jack and Kitty must bury the hatchet and hit the road for a trip that just may bring them together—if it doesn’t kill them first.

**

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    Such a pretty fat: one narcissist's quest to discover if her life makes her ass look big

      Jen Lancaster
Such a pretty fat: one narcissist's quest to discover if her life makes her ass look big

Review

“Screamingly funny —I lost ten pounds just from laughing! Jen Lancaster says everything you wish you could but wouldn’t dare. Exhilarating!”
--Beth Harbison, author of Shoe Addicts Anonymous and Secrets of a Shoe Addict

“Lancaster has tackled body image, health, and weight loss with the honesty, humor, and a sharp sense of self-awareness that has become her hallmark. For anyone who has ever choked down a teensy portion of flavorless pre-packaged food in joyless despair….Jen has been there, and is here to show the silly side and the empowering. You will cheer for her successes, commiserate with her setbacks, and split your sides laughing at both. Whether you cozy up to this book with a bowl of air-popped corn and a diet coke, or a box of Oreos and a vanilla shake, one thing is certain. It is a delicious and guilt-free delight from start to finish.”
--Stacey Ballis, author of Room for Improvement and The Spinster Sisters

“Jen Lancaster is like David Sedaris with pearls and a super-cute handbag.”
—Jennifer Coburn, author of The Queen Gene

“Carrie Bradshaw meets Barbara Ehrenreich.”
—_Kirkus Reviews_

“She’s bitchy and sometimes plain old mean, but she’s absolutely hilarious.”
—_Chicago Sun-Times_

Product Description

A NOTE FROM JEN LANCASTER:

"To whom the fat rolls…I'm tired of books where a self-loathing heroine is teased to the point where she starves herself skinny in hopes of a fabulous new life. And I hate the message that women can't possibly be happy until we all fit into our skinny jeans. I don't find these stories uplifting; they make me want to hug these women and take them out for fizzy champagne drinks and cheesecake and explain to them that until they figure out their insides, their outsides don't matter. Unfortunately, being overweight isn't simply a societal issue that can be fixed with a dose healthy of positive self-esteem. It’s a health matter, and here on the eve of my fortieth year, I've learned I have to make changes so I don't, you know, die. Because what good if finally being able to afford a pedicure if I lose a foot to adult onset diabetes?"

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    Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe

      Jen Lancaster
Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe

From Publishers Weekly

In this memoir of a fashion-conscious life, Lancaster revisits her misadventures—and outfits over the years (from Girl Scout sash to Gucci purse)—with characteristic snarky humor. You have to hand it to Lancaster: you could find her younger self utterly insufferable, if it weren't for the fact that her present-day self is so clear-eyed about and obviously amused by her past behavior. Jamie Heinlein reads with just the right amount of confident, bubbly obliviousness inflected with a dash of wry knowingness. As is typical in the best professionally read audio memoirs, Heinlein recreates Lancaster so perspicaciously, it's easy to become convinced that Heinlein is Lancaster. An NAL hardcover. (May)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Product Description

Now in paperback! Jen Lancaster's cultural inferiority complex had to come from somewhere...and now fans can find out where in the New York Times bestseller Pretty in Plaid.

Before she was bitter, before she was lazy, Jen Lancaster was a badge- hungry Junior Girl Scout with a knack for extortion, an aspiring sorority girl who didn't know her Coach from her Louis Vuitton, and a budding executive who found herself bewildered by her first encounter with a fax machine. In this hilarious and touching memoir, Jen Lancaster looks back on her life-and wardrobe-and reveals a young woman not so different from the rest of us.

Prepare to take a long walk in her (drool-worthy) shoes in this hilarious and heartwarming trip down memory lane.

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    The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING

      Jen Lancaster
The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING

Retail Nook

One would think that with Jen Lancaster’s impressive list of bestselling self-improvement memoirs—Bitter Is the New Black; Bright Lights, Big Ass; Such a Pretty Fat; Pretty in Plaid; My Fair Lazy; and Jeneration X—that she would have it all together by now.

One would be wrong.

Jen’s still a little rough around the edges. Suffice it to say, she’s no Martha Stewart. And that is exactly why Jen is going to Martha up and live her life according to the advice of America’s overachieving older sister—the woman who turns lemons into lavender-infused lemonade.

By immersing herself in Martha’s media empire, Jen will embark on a yearlong quest to take herself, her house, her husband (and maybe even her pets) to the next level—from closet organization to craft making, from party planning to kitchen prep.

Maybe Jen can go four days without giving herself food poisoning if she follows Martha’s dictates on proper storage....Maybe she can grow closer to her girlfriends by taking up their boring-ass hobbies like knitting and sewing.…Maybe she can finally rid her workout clothes of meatball stains by using Martha’s laundry tips.… Maybe she can create a more meaningful anniversary celebration than just getting drunk in the pool with her husband....again. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll discover that the key to happiness does, in fact, lie in Martha’s perfectly arranged cupboards and artfully displayed charcuterie platters.

Or maybe not.

Review

PRAISE FOR JEN LANCASTER

HERE I GO AGAIN

"Lancaster's as adept at fiction as she is at telling her own stories—no matter what she's writing, it's scathingly witty and lots of fun."—Publishers Weekly (starred review)

"Readers will find it easy to root for the frank and funny heroine of this winsome, whimsical tale. Lancaster's downright fun novel is chick lit at its best."—Booklist (starred review)

"In a whimsical twist on the Back to the Future scenario, a bully returns to her high school days to right some wrongs...Quantum physics was never funnier. A great read."—Kirkus (starred review)

IF YOU WERE HERE

“Witty and hilarious.”—People

“Jen Lancaster has the kind of scathing wit that makes you wish she was your best friend but thankful she’s not your new neighbor.”—New York Times Bestselling Author Carrie Ryan

MY FAIR LAZY

“Hilarious...My Fair Lazy does not ‘suck it.’ It rocks it.”—Examiner.com

“Light and fun and full of pop-culture musings.”—Chicago Sun-Times

*PRETTY IN PLAID *

“Like that dreamy pair of heels that [is] somehow both comfy and chic…a hilarious tribute to her early fashion obsessions.”—People

SUCH A PRETTY FAT

“She’s like that friend who always says what you’re thinking—just 1,000 times funnier.” —People

BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG ASS

“A bittersweet treat for anyone who’s ever survived the big city.” —#1 New York Times Bestselling Author Jennifer Weiner

BITTER IS THE NEW BLACK

“She’s absolutely hilarious.”—Chicago Sun-Times

About the Author

Jen Lancaster is the New York Times bestselling author of eight books. She has appeared on Today, The Joy Behar Show, and NPR’s All Things Considered. She resides in the suburbs of Chicago with her husband and their ever-expanding menagerie of ill-behaved pets.

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    Bitter is the New Black

      Jen Lancaster
Bitter is the New Black

From Publishers Weekly

It doesn't take Lancaster long to live up to her lengthy subtitle ("Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, or Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office"): in just one chapter, she gloats over cheating a homeless man, is rude to a waitress and passes judgment on all of her co-workers (including her "whore" best friend). She's almost gleeful about lacking "the internal firewall that keeps us from saying almost everything we think," but she doesn't come off as straightforward, just malicious. (Of course, it's possible she's making up much of her dialogue, which is a little too clever to be believable.) Lancaster expects sympathy for her downward slide after getting fired from her high-paying finance job in the post-9/11 recession, and chick lit fans may be entertained watching life imitate fiction, but just when you start to feel sorry for her, the snotty attitude returns. In later chapters, Lancaster increasingly relies on entries from her blog (www.jennsylvania. com) and caustic replies to criticisms, and though things start looking up—her husband finds a job, she lands a book deal—it's not clear that she's been as chastised by her experiences as she claims. (Mar. 7)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Product Description

Jen Lancaster was living the sweet life-until real life kicked her to the curb.

She had the perfect man, the perfect job-hell, she had the perfect life-and there was no reason to think it wouldn't last. Or maybe there was, but Jen Lancaster was too busy being manicured, pedicured, highlighted, and generally adored to notice.

This is the smart-mouthed, soul-searching story of a woman trying to figure out what happens next when she's gone from six figures to unemployment checks and she stops to reconsider some of the less-than-rosy attitudes and values she thought she'd never have to answer for when times were good.

Filled with caustic wit and unusual insight, it's a rollicking read as speedy and unpredictable as the trajectory of a burst balloon.

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    I Regret Nothing: A Memoir

      Jen Lancaster
I Regret Nothing: A Memoir

Retail

New York Times bestselling author Jen Lancaster has lived a life based on re-invention and self-improvement. From Bitter Is the New Black to The Tao of Martha, she’s managed to document her (and her generation’s) attempts to shape up, grow up, and have it all—sometimes with disastrous results…

Sure Jen has made mistakes. She spent all her money from a high-paying job on shoes, clothes, and spa treatments. She then carried a Prada bag to the unemployment office. She wrote a whole memoir about dieting…but didn’t lose weight. She embarked on a quest for cultural enlightenment that only cemented her love for John Hughes movies and Kraft American Singles. She tried to embrace everything Martha Stewart, while living with a menagerie of rescue cats and dogs. (Glitter…everywhere.)

Mistakes are one thing; regrets are another.

After a girls’ weekend in Savannah makes her realize that she is—yikes!—middle-aged (binge watching is so the new binge drinking), Jen decides to make a bucket list and seize the day, even if that means having her tattoo removed at one hundred times the cost of putting it on.

From attempting a juice cleanse to studying Italian, from learning to ride a bike to starting a new business, and from sampling pasta in Rome to training for a 5K, Jen is turning a mid-life crisis into a mid-life opportunity, sharing her sometimes bumpy—but always hilarious—attempts to better her life…again.

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    The Gatekeepers

      Jen Lancaster
The Gatekeepers

"How could we know that forever could end at seventeen?"

Anyone passing through North Shore, Illinois, would think it was the most picture-perfect place ever, with all the lakefront mansions and manicured hedges and iron gates. No one talks about the fact that the brilliant, talented kids in town have a terrible history of throwing themselves in front of commuter trains.

Meet Simone, the bohemian transfer student from London, who is thrust into the strange new reality of an American high school; Mallory, the hypercompetitive queen bee; and Stephen, the first-generation genius who struggles with crippling self-doubt. Each one is shocked when a popular classmate takes his own life...except not too shocked. It's happened before. With so many students facing their own demons, can they find a way to save each other—as well as themselves?

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