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       Keep Still, p.1

           Janet Gillooly
 
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Keep Still


  Here I was the last of the breed. It would take a starry night for my mind to finally explode. Could things really come together? I feel my life has been a travesty. Did it really matter what one thought or felt? It was the events that made me who I am or who I will be.

  Every story has a heart, but I am not real sure where to begin, except to say my life was decided before I was born. I blindly followed my path never really knowing where my feet would land next. I believed in goodness and there my personality began to develop. Goodness and love drove me finally to madness.

  Words have many meanings, but always a black cloud does show itself in a strangeness. I was to learn magic later or I should say much later. It takes a whole lifetime to finally accept peace. Weeds infect the brain and once I knew them by name I was allowed to be free.

  Freedom is my destiny even though I am not a tree yet complete, but I do have roots that run deep. Mud in the water is not really an obstacle if you have those special glasses that see beyond the dirt and grime. I had a journey to take or shall I say it took me. It took until I was a huge blood stain clouded forever in the gloom, but open to the magic after the wounds healed.

  I was a girl born into a family of madness that should not be heard with the ears. I do not know why I tell it now, for I kept so silent for so long, but now the time has come to tell a story that will not be believed by you for I can scarcely believe it myself. My birth took place on a dark stormy night which was a sign of things to come. I had a mom, dad and I was their only child. This sounds like a typical family but the moans will tell a different story.

  Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil. -Jabez from the Old Testament

  My dad Robert Blankship was in love with numbers. He was an accountant, rising high with powerful influence. He spent late nights working trying to acquire power and the money that came with this twisted badge of importance. He had many business deals that many were not privy to. He was uncomfortable with people closest to him, but could shine in the political arena.

  My mom Sylvia was vein and in love with money. She felt she was entitled to such a life and her life only validated her extreme importance. Both of my parents tried to love me the best way they could, but each was sheltered in their egotism.

  I am Marie desperate for love, but not the right family to meet these needs. I sought solace in books and Jesus. If I were to find love it would have to be outside of this lonely existence. Why I sought the Lord certainly was not something I learned from my parents.

  Evil can come in extreme forms, but mostly the evil comes little by little, until the damn does burst. My story does not cover everything, but just some of the main events. Every little evil invites the devil in and before the house is aware it is wreaking with the vile smell of death. When the evil is hidden from sight, one thinks it is just a mild offense. The supernatural is blinded by this sight.

  The one thing we treasure the most is the very thing that will be taken away to drive us mad and then to think. This with God can lead to humility, but without God it can lead to an evil madness. This evil is void of compassion for others, truth and justice.

  I have a feather I keep on my desk to remind me of the innocence of childhood. To look out at nature when inside you are a storm brewing, gives you a piece of heaven to claim. Nature washes away the blood of violence and you can feel new again another day.

  Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil. -Jabez from the Old Testament. Most things in life do not happen suddenly, but then just like a coffin you feel shut in. Where did the innocence go? Pain is better than no character. Shallow is one without struggle.

  One night when the moon was full and it was a clear crisp night I heard laughter. I thought I must be dreaming. The laughter rang through my ear like a nightmare, I thought would never end. It was the first time I sensed real evil. At this time I was about ten.

  I did not mention this to my parents, for I knew they would not believe me. I finally fell to sleep and had a very strange dream. I dreamt I was an eagle flying above hell. The screams and laughter were a type of madness that only happens to the evil when they realize never again will they feel love or receive it.

  I woke up feeling a heavy burden. I knew I just had a prophetic dream, but I would not repeat this knowledge. An addiction leaves one feeling twisted and trapped. The responsibility I felt was worse for I could not change the results.

  I think the most profound insights you receive come as a child. The adult years are just more clutter to sort out. This was my time for truth and to know evil. Such evil should not touch a child, but the world is moving faster into decay. Innocence is a lost word like morals.

  I did not even know what the whole puzzle meant. What I did know was that there are worlds beyond our sight. That are eyes have a way of blocking the true sunlight. I wish I had not been born with this gift of knowing.

  "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

 
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