Wyngraf romance special.., p.1
Wyngraf Romance Special 2024, page 1
VALENTINE’S DAY 2024
COZY FANTASY ROMANCE FROM WYNGRAF
J. ALEXANDER COHEN
LYNN STRONG
NATHANIEL WEBB
Editor
NATHANIEL WEBB
WWW.WYNGRAF.COM
Wyngraf copyright © 2024 Young Needles Press, individual stories copyright © 2024 by their respective authors.
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
TALES AND EPHEMERA
Mail-Order Husband
J. Alexander Cohen
About J. Alexander Cohen
Frozen Hearts
Nathaniel Webb
About Nathaniel Webb
Rahat al-Hulqum
Lynn Strong
Ashar’s Masala Chai
Recipe by Lynn Strong
About Lynn Strong
MAIL-ORDER HUSBAND
J. ALEXANDER COHEN
FROM: Billing Department, Eastern Comet
TO: Master Silas Kroekner, Maidenfax, West Fairland
DATE: Meridien 3
Dear Master Kroekner:
Your account has an outstanding balance of three (3) gold shells for your most recent classified advertisement in the Matrimonials section. Please remit your payment promptly.
Kind regards,
Eastern Comet Billing Department
“The Finest Newspaper East of the Rift”
FROM: Silas Kroekner
TO: Editor, Eastern Comet, Sattensby
DATE: Meridien 4
Dear “Editor”:
Your “billing department” wants me to pay 3 gold shells for an ad I put in your “paper” that didn’t even work. Still no husband. I should be asking you for money. It’s called the “Matrimonials” section, not the “I’m still single despite advertising for a man” section.
Silas Kroekner
P.S. What are you going to do—send someone out West to collect?
FROM: Adrian Weskit, Editor, Eastern Comet
TO: Master Silas Kroekner, Maidenfax, West Fairland
DATE: Meridien 5
Master Kroekner:
The Comet offers a service that enables frontiersmen (and women) such as yourself to advertise in search of a spouse. We make no guarantees about matrimony. If your efforts have so far been in vain, I suggest reviewing whether the text of your advertisement accurately describes your personal assets. Any advertisement is meant to sell the sizzle, not the steak.
In the future, please direct your missives to the Billing Department. The ley lines are not meant for casual correspondence.
Adrian Weskit, Editor
Eastern Comet: “The Finest Newspaper East of the Rift”
P.S. Quotation marks are not weapons.
FROM: Silas Kroekner
TO: Editor, Eastern Comet, Sattensby
DATE: Meridien 4
Dear Editor:
This sounds like a racket, to be honest. And let me tell you I’ve heard plenty of rackets. As soon as I said I was going West, everyone wanted to sell me a potion or an amulet or a charm. Come to think of it, these advertisements feel like a magic potion. You know people who use them won’t get hitched, but you don’t care, because they’ll keep paying you. Just like I did.
Silas Kroekner
P.S. I bet you’re sitting in your cozy home in Sattensby with your wife, smoking your pipe and laughing at the rube from the West.
MEMO FROM: Adrian
TO: Hanna, Classifieds Department
Date: Meridien 5
Some frontier settler named Kroekner’s kicking up a fuss about the Matrimonials. Can you let me know how many advertisements he placed? And while we’re on the subject... What’s our success rate with mail-order marriages?
Adrian
MEMO FROM: Hanna
TO: Adrian, Editorial
Date: Meridien 5
He’s been trying for three years! I almost feel sorry for the guy. Who wants to go West and marry an old grump like that?
No idea what our success rate is. I see marriage announcements now and then with names I recognize. Most announcements are going to be in the Western papers, though.
We can’t charge for performance, though. That’d be bad for business.
Hanna
FROM: Adrian Weskit, Editor, Eastern Comet
TO: Master Silas Kroekner, Maidenfax, West Fairland
DATE: Meridien 6
Dear Master Kroekner:
The Eastern Comet would hate to lose a subscriber. Let’s try to diagnose the problem, shall we? Did you receive any responses from any of your advertisements? And did any of your correspondence with these prospective suitors lead to a meeting?
Regards,
Adrian Weskit, Editor
Eastern Comet: “The Finest Newspaper East of the Rift”
P.S. I have no wife, and no husband either. I do smoke a pipe, however. How did you know?
FROM: Silas Kroekner
TO: Editor, Eastern Comet, Sattensby
DATE: Meridien 7
INCL: Facsimile image
Dear Master Weskit:
One response. One guy answered me. Said he was looking for adventure on the wild frontier. The only time the Western frontier is wild is when one of the dragons gets out of the pen and into my alehouse. Anyways, as soon as I sent this “gentleman” a drawing of me, he never wrote me again. Maybe he fell into the Rift.
I’m not that ugly. Take a look for yourself—I included a sketch.
Silas Kroekner
P.S. Don’t all writers smoke a pipe? That’s how I see you: pipe, green visor, suspenders. I bet you never get your hands dirty.
MEMO FROM: Adrian
TO: Hanna, Classifieds Department
Date: Meridien 7
You didn’t tell me Kroekner’s a half-orc!
Adrian
FROM: Adrian Weskit, Editor, Eastern Comet
TO: Master Silas Kroekner, Maidenfax, West Fairland
DATE: Meridien 7
Dear Master Kroekner:
There are publications that may be more geared towards your interests and lifestyle. Orc Bazaar, for example. Or the Tusk Review. I understand the Tusk has its own set of Matrimonial advertisements, although you are likely too late to meet the deadline for the Meridien issue.
Adrian Weskit, Editor
Eastern Comet: “The Finest Newspaper East of the Rift”
P.S. My hands are permanently ink-stained. It’s a hazard of the profession. But this is labor of the mind, not of the hands.
FROM: Silas Kroekner
TO: Editor, Eastern Comet, Sattensby
DATE: Meridien 8
Dear Master Weskit:
I don’t know whether you’re dense, or you’re just trying to fob me off on someone else. Maybe I don’t want an orc husband. Don’t try to pigeonhole me. I have every right to advertise in the Comet. Come to think of it, I’m going to keep advertising in the Matrimonials section under my own name so that people will see your paper’s a grift. “Silas Kroekner, loneliest frontiersman in the West.”
Silas
P.S. This isn’t backbreaking work dawn to dusk, either. Mostly mucking out the dragon pen, feeding them, doing stuff around the house. It’s the waiting for something to go wrong that gets me. I’m out in the middle of nowhere. A fire, a tree comes down on the house, and nobody to help me.
FROM: Adrian Weskit, Editor, Eastern Comet
TO: Master Silas Kroekner, Maidenfax, West Fairland
DATE: Meridien 9
Dear Master Kroekner:
How about this? I’ll give you a free advertisement. You can start over, like you’re doing out there in the West. Tell me what you would say if you completely rewrote your copy. I promise I won’t look at any of your previous advertisements. As they say, ‘start from scratch.’ Sell me on yourself.
Adrian Weskit, Editor
Eastern Comet: “The Finest Newspaper East of the Rift”
P.S. I took up smoking to pass the time when I was lonely. It so happens I go through a great deal of pipe tobacco these days.
FROM: Silas Kroekner
TO: Editor, Eastern Comet, Sattensby
DATE: Meridien 10
Dear Adrian Weskit:
All right, how does this sound?
“Looking For a Guy to Share the Burden With”
“Yeah, I’m a sap. I came out West hoping for the hills of gold and the rivers of diamonds. Turns out it’s mostly shoveling dragon crap and tumbleweeds. I’m tired of shoveling dragon crap alone. Looking for a hardworking guy to help who’ll keep his mouth shut, shovel, and can cook good. It helps if you’re easy on the eyes and don’t mind me kicking in my sleep. Address With Editor.”
Silas
P.S. Never got into smoking. Mother always told me I could drink all I wanted, but stay away from the demon weed. So I sit on my porch evenings with a mug of ale when the sun goes down. It’s kinda pretty, all the pinks and reds and purples in the sky, and then the stars come out. Makes the shoveling worth it.
FROM: Adrian Weskit, Editor, Eastern Comet
TO: Master Silas Kroekner, Maidenfax, West Fairland
DATE: Meridien 11
Dear Master Kroekner:
Yo
As I said some time ago, advertising is a matter of selling the sizzle, not the steak. How about this?
“Seeking a Man to Share a Life With”
“I was one of the first to go West when they found a way through the Rift. I have big dreams, and a medium-sized dragon ranch. They’re always getting out and causing mischief, but they’re good beasts if you take care of them. I want a hardworking fellow I can cherish and take care of. The way to my heart is through my stomach, and I’m looking for a man who’s as striking as I am. Every day is a painted sunset, followed by lively nights. Address With Editor.”
Adrian Weskit
P.S. I have a room in a boarding-house. I sit out on the porch at night when I smoke, but there are no stars in the city. I remember seeing them when I was a child, before I came to Sattensby.
MEMO FROM: Adrian
TO: Hanna, Classifieds Department
Date: Meridien 15
Did Silas Kroekner place another advertisement in the Matrimonials section? If he did, tell Billing not to invoice him. They can charge it to my personal account.
Adrian
MEMO FROM: Hanna
TO: Adrian, Editorial
Date: Meridien 15
He sure did. Something about painted sunsets and lively nights. He even paid to include a drawing of him this time. That’ll cost you.
Hanna
P.S. The tusks on this guy!
FROM: Silas Kroekner
TO: Editor, Eastern Comet, Sattensby
DATE: Meridien 32
Dear Adrian:
A few guys answered this time. Got my hopes up. I sent a few messages along the ley lines back and forth with one of them, name of Billy. Finally, Billy agreed to ride out here on a stagecoach.
I should’ve known. Billy shows up, looking like a piece of fluff. I was afraid a strong wind might blow him away.
So I know appearances aren’t everything. He might have something going on upstairs. I invite him in and offer him some ale. No, Billy wants coffee. Coffee! Can you imagine? We’re out in the middle of Fairland, leagues away from anything, and Billy wants coffee.
Turns out I have some in a can. So I make him a cup.
Billy sits there sipping and sipping, looking at me with eyes big as saucers. I swear, I think if he saw one of the dragons he probably would’ve fallen over. But I can see the wheels going in his mind.
Finally Billy asks me if it’s true. “If what’s true?” I say. “If it’s true what they say about orcs.”
Hell if I know what they say about orcs. Turns out he thinks we’re some kind of savages. That I’m going to bop him over the head with a club and take him back to my cave.
Adrian, we are sitting in a cottage with gingham curtains on the kitchen window. There’s a rug at the front door to wipe your feet. And I ordered some soaps from the mail-order catalog for the privy sink.
Then he wants to touch my tusks. By that point I definitely wanted to bop him over the head with a club, but I acted polite.
The stagecoach didn’t come for a few days. Billy was hopeless. Hung around the outside of the dragon pen, gawping and screwing up his nose. Couldn’t cook anything except scorches and charcoal. And in the evening, when we sat on the porch waiting for the sun to go down, he was all fidgety and fussy.
I admit I was glad to see Billy go. Sure it was lonely as hell without a man here, but it was lonelier with Billy around. Do you understand?
Are you all such prim little flowers back East nowadays?
Silas
P.S. Tell me about the porch. Tell me about the boarding-house and the city. I grew up in a small town, too. Went straight from there through the Rift and out West as soon as I could. Is it exciting living in a big city like they say?
FROM: Adrian Weskit, Editor, Eastern Comet
TO: Master Silas Kroekner, Maidenfax, West Fairland
DATE: Meridien 33
Dear Silas:
I don’t muck out dragon pens. I don’t fight frontiersmen with swords either, like they do in the pantomime plays. I spend my days trying to express what is going on in the world around me in words. Trying to print a newspaper that reflects the issues and concerns of the day.
It’s a fight. It’s such a fight. There are reporters who want to cover stories I don’t think are important, but they think they are. And maybe they’re right. There are firms who threaten to stop advertising with us if we write negative articles about them. There are government officials who threaten to pull our publishing license if we write negative articles about them... or positive articles about the people they dislike.
It’s a fight to keep your soul intact. To try to stick to the truth somehow, without letting a hundred other people trample you. To hope that there is one person out there in Sattensby that will read the words you published and be enlightened, or provoked, or at least amused.
And before it all starts over again the next day, you sit on the porch of your boarding-house and light up your pipe, and you think that those stars are out there somewhere. And if you do your job well enough, put those words together in just the right way, then maybe someday you will see them.
So I can assure you that we are not all such prim little flowers back East. Not at all.
Adrian
P.S. I’m writing this message by hand as I’m sitting on the porch of the boarding-house. Tomorrow, I’ll give it to someone at the ley line desk and hope they don’t read it too closely before they send it off.
Thousands of people live in Sattensby, but this is a city of ones. One porch. One boarding-house. One pipe. And one narrow bed.
FROM: Silas Kroekner
TO: Editor, Eastern Comet, Sattensby
DATE: Meridien 34
Dear Adrian:
I read an expression in a book once: “Feeling lonely in a crowd.” That’s how it sounds, being in Sattensby.
I have a box of books I took with me when I came out here. I don’t read all the time. I don’t want to run out of them any time soon, you know?
Most of them are what’s called “romances.” Cowboys and cowgirls riding the ranges and cactuses and horses. No mucking out dragon pens. I guess that’s not “romantic” enough.
