The nutty neighbours of.., p.7
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       The Nutty Neighbours of Possum Road, p.7

           Iron Geoffrey
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amazement. There was a man sitting on the sand next to the exit of the hole playing a didgeridoo. He was wearing a wide brimmed hat, which had a number of strings hanging from it. Attached to each of these strings was a cork.

  Hat with Corks:

  Before the days of toothpaste, people used to hang corks from their hats. The smell of fine wine from the corks would cover up the foul stink of bad breath. Nowadays, such hats are useful for keeping kangaroos off your face.

  “G’day mate” he said to David.

  “G’day mate” replied David.

  David then looked around and saw some fascinating sights. He seemed to have landed on a beautiful beach on a warm sunny day. There were a number of people sitting around on deck chairs, enjoying barbecues and drinking small cans of beer. Several people were surfing on large waves in the lovely blue sea while others were throwing boomerangs around. David then realised that the Oz Hole was not really a proper hole, and that he had somehow been transported somewhere else. He even started to suspect that he might not even be in Bottomhamsted anymore!

  “Excuse me sir, can you tell me where we are?” said David to the man with the corks.

  “Australia mate” he replied.

  “Looks like you fell into the Oz Hole which connects us to Bottomhamsted” he said.

  “In the past, the hole was used for throwing badly behaved possums down to Possum Road, but nowadays the hole seems to be blocked” he added.

  David was suitably stunned, but decided to make the most of the situation and go for a swim in the beautiful blue sea. As soon as David had walked slowly into the sea and started swimming, he heard several people suddenly shout


  Luckily David had attended evening classes on how to survive shark attacks so was fully prepared for such an event. Unfortunately, he couldn’t quite remember if he was meant to punch the shark on its nose or give it a hard kick. He looked around for the shark and saw its fin heading straight towards him so decided to punch it on the nose. David summoned up all the courage he could find, and just as the shark was about to bite him, he bashed it as hard as he could right on the hooter. David then discovered that his evening classes had been a complete waste of time, as the shark opened its huge jaws and gobbled him up!

  Now trapped inside the shark’s tummy, David tried to fight his way out. He punched and kicked as hard as he could, but it looked like he was doomed to becoming the shark’s lunch.

  “HEEEELLLPPP” shouted David as he desperately thrashed his arms and legs around.

  Then suddenly to his amazement he somehow managed to wrestle his way out of the shark, but instead of floating around in the beautiful blue sea he found himself back in his bedroom. It appeared he had been fighting his way out of his duvet and not actually from inside a man-eating shark!

  Feeling very stupid, David jumped out of bed and ran down to the bathroom. He picked up the carpet, but there was no man hole to be seen.

  “I must have been dreaming” concluded David.

  He decided to take a look at the bottle containing the extra powerful medicine, which his parents had given him that morning. He found it and read the label.

  ‘WARNING: May cause bizarre dreams about Australia’.

  David was very relieved that it was all just a dream and looked forward to getting back to reality the next day.


  World’s fastest blind motorcyclist

  Today, David had decided to bring one of his pet reptiles to school. This pet reptile was called Iron Geoffrey, a poisonous hard-backed terrapin who fitted perfectly into David’s top pocket.


  Small hyperactive tortoises, which live in puddles. Although faster than tortoises, terrapins are much more irritating.

  Iron Geoffrey’s poison is not really deadly it but does cause some intense itching and scratching. Iron Geoffrey’s shell is so hard that David thought he might be able to withstand the extreme crushing forces, often experienced during a typical day at school.

  Before going to class, he and Iron Geoffrey made their way over to the ice-cream van to join the queue. David had heard about the great lollies available from the ice-cream man who parks his van every day in the school playground. When they arrived at the van, there was the usual manic scrum of desperate boys, all barging and shoving their way to the front of the queue.

  “This is ridiculous” thought David and headed off towards the caretakers room to borrow some ladders.

  After rummaging around in the caretakers room he found some suitable ladders and headed back to the ice-cream van. He sneaked the ladders round the back of the ice-cream van, scrambled up onto the roof and looked down on the shoving masses. He then lay down, pulled himself towards the edge and lent far enough over, that he could see straight into the ice-cream van’s open window from above.

  Although David was now half upside down, he was perfectly positioned to be served without getting crushed. Then dramatically, before David even had a chance to order some lollies, Iron Geoffrey slipped out of his top pocket and dropped down into the unsuspecting riot below, releasing his itchy poison. The barging and rioting suddenly stopped as all the boys started jumping and dancing around, scratching like mad and running in all different directions. David watched with amazement as everybody dashed off towards the bathrooms to wash off Iron Geoffrey’s poison.

  “Woops” thought David to himself.

  As the queue had now dispersed, David was able to come down from the roof of the van, put Iron Geoffrey back in his top pocket and order the lollies. David then stuffed a lolly in his mouth and went happily into class, intending to tell his new classmates about his adventures with a real ghost called Max. Just as David had started to describe the incredible ghost-car, Mrs Wigglit interrupted and started to tell her own stories about another one of the neighbours in Possum Road.

  “Further down the street lives a man who wears such dark sunglasses that he can’t see anything. He never takes his sunglasses off for fear of looking uncool, and although he does look pretty cool in his shades he is effectively blind. He fills his coat and his car with whoopee cushions for comfort and protection, during his daily bumps and scrapes”.

  Whoopee cushions:

  Multi-purpose bags of wind. Used in schools to embarrass teachers, or for saving lives during high speed impacts.

  “This blind man is called Lucky Stanley who surprisingly holds the land speed record for a blind person on a motorbike. This record was achieved late one evening, when all the neighbours were watching telly. He borrowed his friend Mr Ken Wong’s Japanese motorbike and achieved a staggering 100 mph along the narrow and bumpy Possum Road. This was a fantastic achievement but there was no way of stopping at the end of the street. After a huge skid and a close shave with a possum, Stanley crashed comfortably into a pile of extra large and extra soft teddy bears, which had just been delivered to the Bear factory at the end of the street. Stanley is very lucky during his numerous accidents, and although he often finds himself being catapulted through the air, he always lands on soft luxury items. Despite Stanley’s many bumps and scrapes, he has actually only been to hospital on one occasion. This was not because of an injury, but because he once crashed a quad-bike through a hospital window and landed on a pile of fresh laundry”.

  David thought this story was beyond belief, so he went straight round to Stanley’s house after school to find out what exactly was going on.

  Stanley’s front door was covered in scratches where he had tried to find the keyhole with his keys. David pressed the door Bell and was amused to hear the Nursery Rhyme ‘Three Blind Mice’! Nobody came to the door, but there was a shuffling and crashing sound coming from inside. After some minutes, the door opened and a cool man with dark glasses appeared. He seemed pleasant but looked straight passed David, as if looking at a distant horizon.

  “No thank-you, I have already got some” said Stanley to whoever he thought was at th
e door.

  “Hello, my name is David, I am your new neighbour” said David.

  Stanley realised the visitor was not a sales person and invited David in for a cup of tea. The house was dark inside so David switched on the light. Of course it didn’t work as there was no light bulb. In the kitchen, Stanley boiled the kettle and skillfully managed to pour the boiling water accurately into the two tea cups, but after much scrabbling about in some cupboards, discovered there were no tea bags. Not having a cup of tea was unthinkable to any Possum Road resident, so Stanley and David decided to drive over to the local shop in Stanley’s modified blind-person’s car to get some teabags. The thought of travelling in a car with a blind driver seemed a bit unusual, but David decided it must be ok and just another example of the crazy things which go on in Possum Road.

  Stanley grabbed his white stick and they both stepped out into the street, towards Stanley’s small red hatchback. Attached all around the body of the car were lots of thick rubber bumpers and large soft sponges. These had been added to the car to absorb most of the shocks caused by the continuous scraping and bashing, which takes place during a typical journey with Stanley. This ingenious sponge arrangement, also prevents his car from causing damage to other vehicles.

  Stanley squeezed himself into the driver’s side of the car and David went round to get in the passenger side. To
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