How to become unpopular, p.1
How To Become Unpopular, p.1
How To Become Unpopular
By Hiranya Borah
Copyright 2016 Hiranya Borah
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Introduction: A Humorous Analogy
This book intends to give you some humours insight to your daily life without demeaning any group of people or any social relations.
In everyone's life at least once, one has the experience to utter or hear these two sentences: You are killing me! Or, you are going to kill me! If you are uttering these sentences more than hearing then you have to learn the art of killing or just art of kidding. If otherwise, you can be a teacher in my school, 'Art of Killing' or 'Art of Kidding'.
I have given some tips how to force the other person to utter 'Oh my God, you are killing me' or similar sentences. In the last chapter, I have given some tips to become unpopular among different groups of people. What I advise to do if you add only a 'not' or 'no' in most of my tips it will be your father's advices to become a good human being. While going through the book, you may identify some of your mistakes while dealing with people. If one can avoid those mistakes, one can be a popular person and make your near and dear happy. So it is up to you whether you want to add a 'not' or 'no' in all my tips or just take as it is. Some repetitions in the last chapter with some other chapters are intentional.
Originally I thought to give the name of the book as 'Art of killing' and then I discarded the name as I have allergy with the word 'killing'. Then I replaced 'killing' by 'kidding'. However, I feel 'kidding' will not be a proper representative of the chapters in the book. Finally, I introduced the last chapter, 'how to become unpopular' and decided to give the same name for the book as well.
The book have been divided into different chapters on the basis of some fundamental relations barring the last one where all the relations are put together to have an overview of 'dos' and 'do nots' in our daily dealings with closely related and other people.
The book is dedicated to all my relatives including my wife, son, daughters and other people including my bosses, colleagues, subordinates and teachers.
Chapter I: Mother and Son
The relation between son and mother is the closest among all the relations barring father and daughter. In most of the cases, mother is at the receiving end in the tug of war of emotional blackmail. It started from day one. When he is only one day old, a mother says, 'Your eyes are so beautiful, they are killing me!' or 'You are so cute, you are killing me, my son!'
When he is six month old, he starts crawling and today he trampled his mother's best sari/ dress /gown with muddy hands and knees, she screamed, 'Oh my darling, you have killed me!'He smiled back and he sat on the sari / dress/ gown more comfortably and to his mother's delight he started tapping the sari/ dress / gown. Instead of being angry, the young mother picked him up in her arms and rubbed his cheeks with her nose and told him, 'you are killing me, my sweetheart!'
However, for the same types of activities a mother of five year son will admonish him instead of saying 'You are going to kill me' with love, she will admonish, 'if you do it next time you will be --- or she may utter, you have decided to kill me like your incorrigible father!'.
When a mother of teenager sees her son taking cigarettes or wine, his mother would say, 'You are going to kill me' or 'you are killing me' with a different tone and tenor which is different from those sentences told earlier. I shall be not surprised if she actually faints.
When a mother has to see or observe something worse than any activity done/ performed by her son stated above can invite the same type of sentences from her. For instance, when she sees with horror that her son is kissing her maid or he is in a compromising position with the maid or he brought a damsel as his wife who belongs to a class which is not at par with her social or monetary status. Or she gets news from someone else that her son fails for the seventh time in the same class. Or she meets a girl claiming that she is carrying a child from her son studying in the same college! All those activities forced a mother to utter those sentences with lot of seriousness.
So you can understand a poor mother has the opportunity to utter the sentence 'You are killing me' hundred times for her beloved son. If he is the only son, he forces his mother more often to utter these two sentences than those who are not in the group of 'only child' or 'only son' category.
What about the chance that a son has to utter the dreaded sentence to his mother, 'Mom you are killing me' in his life? Normally, it is much less compared to his mother uttering those sentences.
Her son gets this chance when for the first time when he becomes a teenager. One day he tells his mother that if his friends come to his house she is not supposed to ask these questions --------- to them. But she does exactly that. Then he for the first time utters, 'Mom, you are killing me'.
He gets another chance when, on his birth day, prepares something which could not be relished by his friends.
Again he gets a chance, when he confides his mother that he scored very badly in mathematics paper and requested her not to inform his father about that. But, his mother yelled and told his father.
Finally, he tells these words when his mother shows his girlfriend or newlywed wife his naked photographs when he was less than three year old. Or, she told his girlfriend or newlywed wife about his bad habit of wetting bed till he was seven!
But all these situations, except those with serious consequences, never spoil his relation with his mother or vice versa, rather those situations become good memory for both of them.
I do not want to share any comments uttering those sentences made by a mother or by her son which have serious repercussions in their relation in this chapter.
A few tips for a son to force his mother to utter those dreaded sentences are listed below.
Make a most a recent hair cut and show it when your mother is with her best friend criticising a son of their common friend for his recent Ronaldo type hair cut.
Break a utensil / glass ware which was given to your mother by your grandmother just before her death.
Tell your father that your mother had secretly lent an amount to her sister which was originally kept for his (father's) sister.
You dump a curry in the dustbin and told your mother that you have finished the curry fully. But mother suspected something and found that her suspicion is correct.
Call your friend for a dinner and forget to tell your mother till it is 7 PM.
You score a low marks compared to your cousin, son of your aunty from your father's side, who passed last year's board examination.
You lose a golden ring, which was your last year's birth day gift from your grandmother (mother's mom).
Let your mother over hear that you love your grandmother (father's mother) more than her mother.
Praise the gifts received from your father's side in front of your mother.
Praise your relatives from your father's side in front of your mother.
If you follow all the above tips properly and execute those with all sincerity, you will be a master of 'art of killing'.
Chapter II: Father and Son
A father sees his childhood in his son. But he is the man who does not want to see the negative points of his childhood in his son's face or in his activities. For example, father was very weak in mathematics; he thinks his son should not be weak in mathematics. On the other hand he wants to see all his positive points with fare degree of enhancement in his son's activities. Suppose, the father used to have a lover boy image in his college days. He expects his son should also carry the lover boy image along with a good score in mathematics. But his son is not able to carry the lover boy image, but have a low score in mathematics, then the father has no alternative but to utter the dreaded sentence, 'you are going to kill me 'or before his wife he would utter, 'your son (not my son) is going to kill me'. Wife may also retort with equal amount of venom, 'His mathematics is as bad as yours which is going to kill me. But fortunately, he is not a character loose (lover boy image of her husband is nothing but an image of a character loose person from his wife's perspective) like you which saved my life for the time being!'Wife's snubbing makes her husband speechless.
A father does not mind, if he see his son is kissing a maid (as he also did at that age). Even he will not mind, if he witnesses his son is in a compromising position with a girl which he could not do before his marriage with anybody despite of his best efforts. But he will definitely utter those words, when he is in that position and his teenage son bumps into him. Similarly, when a girl claims, she is carrying a child from his son.
Let us discuss some lighter situations.
A businessman father screams those sentences when his son comes with a business proposal which, according to him, is definitely going to fail.
A few fathers utter those sentences when their sons score low marks in the board examination compared to the sons of his relatives or friends, particularly from their in laws side.
When a good son says he will marry a good girl without dowry, his greedy father tells this sentence with disgust.
If a father, who always advocates for widow marriage in public and his only son wants to follow his father's public advice, the hypocrite father will utter those sentences.
A son gave his father's telephone number to his girl friend for any emergency, who, by mistake sends a lewd message at midnight to his father thinking that it is his boy friend's number. After opening the mailbox of his father's mobile, his mother thinks otherwise and erupts with anger. With a broken hand and heavy bandage on head, when his father comes to know later on that his son and his girl friend are the culprits for his misfortune, he utters those sentences with anger.
When a son utters those words for his father? These are some examples (mostly those are told before mother in absence of his father):
When a father tells his (son's) friends about some instances of his foolishness, he requests his mother to tell his father not to repeat those loose talks in future by uttering those sentences at the starting of a conversation with his mother. But a father always does.
When a son discovers that his father knew about a secret, which he earlier thought father was not aware, he exclaims these sentences.
Few tips for a son to master the art are listed below.
When your father reaches home after attending whole day office you tell him that you need a set of drawing pens and pencils for tomorrow's drawing test.
Send a sms from your hostel to your father that you need more money after receiving a huge amount last week from your father.
Refuse to marry the girl on flimsy ground whom your father selects for you.
You leave your examination midway and inform your father through a common acquaintance.
You telephone to your father that you met an accident with your father's brand new car despite of the fact that your father had told you to take only the old vehicle to your college.
You tell your mother that you saw your father was talking to a lady for fifteen minutes over phone when she was not around.
Chapter III: Mother and Daughter
When a daughter of eighteen years informs over telephone that she is pregnant, the mother faints with a murmuring voice, says 'you have killed me!'
The above case is an extreme example; hope no mother has to experience that.
Mother is normally habituated in using these sentences quite frequently. So even if a daughter is not a master of art of killing/ kidding, she can attract this sentence quite often from her finicky mom.
When a daughter without consulting her mother made a bob-cut of her long hair, a mother has no alternative but to scream those sentences.
Getting fewer marks in examination is itself enough for screaming, but if she comes to know that her daughter got even less than that of the daughter of Mishrajee, who works under her husband in the same office for last twenty years.
Most of the mothers are very sensitive about the look, marks and manners of their daughters. Pull the string on any of these issues, they will definitely utter those words without any hesitation.
Some of my advices to the daughters are as follows: (However, the list is only exemplary not exhaustive; you can experiment any other at the appropriate time and situation.)
Praise cookery skill of your Aunt (obviously from your father's side) before your mom.
Tell your mother at around 10 PM that you need an extra large napkin to join in a race competition next morning knowing that your mother is not using those for last one year.
Always try to score less marks than your cousin from your father's side. You can do that with your neighbours' daughters as well or with the daughter of your mom's best friend or enemy.
You choose your boy friend or fianc?e who has no income or less income than your mother's expectations.
You choose the groom chosen by your paternal side over the choice of your maternal side.
Colour your hair without permission of your mother that too with pink or red colour.
Tell your father that your mother has paid a huge amount, adding a zero after the actual figure, to her brother.
Tell your mother that you have lost the shawl which was bought by your mom's father/ brother from Europe.
Colour the white scarf of your mother to red one.
Finally, you spoil the sari your mother always adores, beyond repair, on your annual day school function.
Chapter IV: Father and Daughter
A divine relation always marred by utterance of that dreaded sentence by the father most frequently sometimes (hopefully) with happiness, sometimes with fare chance of worry and few times with full of anger. I shall try to touch upon only the lighter side when a father or his daughter utters these sentences.
From day one on her arrival she makes a point, her every action is potential to kill the father with ease. Every innocent smile is killing her father, and the father is waiting to be killed.
She is only two year old and you are ready to go for an important meeting, she pissed on your shirt and started crying. The father also wants to cry, but he cannot do that. Then the father has to utter those sentences.
Father told his daughter of seven years that he would pick up her from school. He was late by a minute or two, and daughter left the school with her friend. She reached home safely but father was looking for her frantically till he got a phone call from his wife accusing him for not picking up their daughter from the school. Then he had no option but to utter those sentences.
When she become a teenager, her every movement is silently observed by her father. Any deviation from the routine one invites those sentences from her father.
All the daughters utter these sentences quite often when fathers fart loudly and their daughters are near about.
She utters those words when her father shows her photographs of one year to her children or father tells her kids about some embarrassing situations she had created long back when she was young.
With all those hair raising utterances from both sides, both of them like company of each other at any time and everywhere.
Few tips to our daughters to force us to utter those sentences:
Bring a kitten to your home, when you know that your father is dead against to keep a pet in the house.
Break his mobile phone while playing candy crush with your friend.
Tell your father to pick up from a particular place and do not show your face even after half an hour from the appointed time.
Do not pick up your phone when father is frantically try to contact you as you kept the phone on silent mode. Afterwards, with a cool voice tell him that it was on silent mode!
Send a sms from your father's mobile phone to your boy friend and tell your boy friend to send his reply on the same phone since your phone is not working.
Tell your father to accompany you to PTM when you failed in three subjects and your mother already refused to accompany you.
You call your father with a weeping sound from your school to tell him that you scored very bad marks in mathematics.
Bunk your class and go for a movie with your friends and do not tell to your parents. He should get the information from your class teacher.
Tell your father that tomorrow is the last day for filling up your board examination form and you need a photograph with an embossed date on the photograph.
You need a specific dress for your annual day function and forget to tell your father till only two days are left for the function.
Chapter V: Husband and Wife
A stranger lives with another stranger, under a contract with so many do's and so many do not's. In reality, we all spouses break the promises we made before and on the day marriage. Most of the fair sex remind the promises their husbands made before and on the day of the marriages. But a poor husband mostly dares not to remind his better half about the promises she had made before or on the day of marriage.
In a happy life, husband uses to utter the sentence, 'you are going to kill me' only to satisfy the ego of his wife when she thinks she looks gorgeous, rightly or wrongly. Though she will utter another statement, 'you liar, do not think I shall do---- for you.' But she usually becomes happy to do all those things as her husband wants for that day. If with a right or wrong statement, 'you are killing me darling today with your beauty!' gives the opportunity to get something, then why not you are using that statement!!
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