Angelica

      Gabriel Archer
Angelica

This is probably a short story you should skip, you'll sleep better... trust us.This short story was left to us by a friend, a fellow writer, after his suicide. He made us promise that we will make sure that it was published posthumously. We debated for a long time whether to honor his final request. We had to balance loyalty to him with what reading it will do to you. In the end loyalty won out, and for that we are truly sorry. To assuage our own guilt, we ask that before you open it, please pause and consider that once read, some things cannot be unread.

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    Ellipses...

      Gabriel Archer
Ellipses...

Lube up, dear reader, because this is the story that happens when the Muse starts talking dirty to you. This is a ten minute fellatio for your mind - sloppy and in your face. This is…What if the ancients were wrong? What if the delicate, graceful, vestal Muses were nothing more than dirty, divine whores looking to score some creativity from us mortals? What if they wobbled from Mozart to Proust to Da Vinci to Canaan, with their togas lopsided, eyes bloodshot, rubbing themselves against genius like cheap harlots?

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    The After-Hero

      Gabriel Archer
The After-Hero

The After-Hero, the guy that's always in the heroes' shadow, twisted by existential woes and sexual perversions, wishing to be a protagonist himself... alas no one writes about him.If you're looking for selfless heroes, true love, adventures on the high seas and heroic sacrifices you should go back to reading the Bible. If you're looking for a neurotic protagonist in a trench coat who is willing to become a villain to defeat the villain (and just for fun), if you want to read about a man who compensates for his shortcomings with a short-barreled shotgun and gratuitous violence, if you want to LOL, then this is the story for you. Would you like to see what's under the trench coat, little girl?

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    Angels Don't Cry

      Gabriel Archer
Angels Don't Cry

This is a metafictional preview of a metaphorical tale of a metrosexual angel trying to stop a metaphysical apocalypse.Gabriel is an iPod-totting archangel obsessed with crossword puzzles and human souls. God is the Creator of Everything who misquotes platitudes and who is set on destroying the world. You are a hot, large-breasted dear reader. Angels Don't Cry is a sacrilegiously satirical short story about divine disappointment and angelic hope.

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    Defeated Victory

      Gabriel Archer
Defeated Victory

How does a poor prince form a misbegotten kingdom get the Goddess of Victory to fall in love with him?She lives in a palace swaddled in clouds and mythology; he is a prince of a country so unknown that it is known for being left off maps. She makes emperors kneel in front of her; he - milkmaids. She is a divine being; he isn't even a very good person. He wants her questionable favors; she wants unquestionable worship. She has a vagina; he's a prick. She is the goddess of victory; he wants to defeat her. We are talented authors; you are a discerning reader - and this is a story about the unlikely romance of human ambition and divine caprice.

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    Unforgiven

      Gabriel Archer
Unforgiven

A tale about redemption, forgiveness, unforgivness, the Guinness Book of World Records, the Bible, God, and sex.We were told that this is a good story. Fight Club is a good story, Catch-22 is a good story, War and Peace is a descent story, this is nothing. But it does have the following: the very first murder; sex; coffee shops; witty banter; sex; humor; cleverness; conquers-all love; a hipster; an unreliable narrator; sprinkled references to historical events; brilliance; human sacrifice; profound philosophical revelations; a Metallica song; and eye-opening ideas.

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    Divine Diagnosis

      Gabriel Archer
Divine Diagnosis

What if God had a psychiatrist? What would their sessions uncover? Megalomania? An inferiority complex? Voyeurism?This short story is an explanatory expedition into God's infinitely fractured psyche. Our probe comes in the somewhat obese and very unattractive shape of our unfortunate protagonist - a middle-aged Jewish psychiatrist whose uninteresting life forced him to become a therapist for the rich and famous and whose untimely death forced him to become the therapist for the dead and deified. Now his days are filled with treating Buddha's body image, Mohammed's phobia of being rendered as an image, and Jesus' daddy issues. Then it gets weird. Our probe falls into the space between good and evil, and becomes frozen at the midpoint of insanity and sanity. This is a story of a mad God, of reversal of roles, and reverse psychology. But you probably wouldn't be interested anyway.

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    If

      Gabriel Archer
If

What if there was a microchip that could be implanted in your child's head which would generate an imaginary friend for them? What if the friends stayed after the chip was removed? What if you stopped denying that you're intrigued and download the story already?Attention parents! Tired of teaching your children the difference between right and wrong? Don't have the time to keep your kids out of trouble? Don't trust the sub-par education system? Get MetaFic. Inc's patented IF Chip today! Its a simple out-patient procedure covered by most major health insurance providers! Painless and fast! The IF Chip's patented synoptic technology reacts with your child's neural cortex to create an imaginary friend fully customizable by you. Together with our imaginary experts, you will choose the fantastical companion and settings right for your child's particular needs. Your child may choose from such imaginary pals as kittens, puppies, rabbits (our best selling model!), fairies, squirrels, princesses (an instant classic), superheroes (may cause heights-related injuries), lamas or even a camel (our best selling Middle Eastern model). Choose your own religion setting from "fanatical _____" to "rabid atheist." Choose your child's intellectual setting from "future Nobel prize winner" to "at least she's pretty." Select our premium "problem child" setting and watch as your child becomes a model citizen with our special "Mild Mind Mend Meld" therapy .Come to our imaginarium centers for a free consultation today, or e-mail us with questions and comments. From MetaFic, Inc. Warning: Not FDA approved. Long term effects of the IF Chip have not been studied. MetaFic, Inc. disclaims all uses for a specific purpose. Not recommended for kids over 16. May cause psychological defects and mental scarring. Requires immature mature sense of humor. May lead to slight sexual stimulation. Not recommended for camels. Best read naked.

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