Two Splendid Venues

      Frankie Lassut / Humor
Two Splendid Venues

Well, these are what we call Quick Flash stories, which means they aren’t very long and so you could probably read one to completion on your way to work, Which is what we had in mind when producing them them. People asked us 'can you write something I could start and finish on my way to work?' ...Ok, the write up. Well, these are what we call Quick Flash stories, which means they aren’t very long and so you could probably read one to completion on your way to work which is what we had in mind when producing them.. People asked us 'can you write something I could start and finish on my way to work?' The two in this little presentation about the arenas are absolutely brilliant, one about ants and the other about a talented ice skater.The introduction is a cool idea about the end of the world and you should maybe read it because it may save your life one day. What is the end of the world anyway? I hear it mentioned here and there and in some other books. Is the 'world' the lump of stone that is our planet? How would we end it? I can’t tell you right now because it is Sunday and I don’t go to the fetish club until Wednesday where I am a mad scientist, so best ask me on a Thursday when I will have the answer (unless I manage to end the world that night). If I do, people who have to go to jobs they hate on Thursday morning will build a statue in my honor ... but how would they do that? The world has ended. If I were you, as a convenience precaution, I'd tie up any loose ends on or by Wednesday night. What if, on Weds night, everybody on earth puts all the plugs in all the sinks and baths and turn both taps on? Within a few hours the world would be flooded and most would drown. If you don't drown, your next water bill will be horrendous especially if you're on a meter. Be warned! The Water Board WILL get you.So, for now ... Is it the end of civilsation soon? I’ve no obvious idea, but it is probably not the end, but ‘change’. In that case if you’re one of the survivors, you will need to adapt ... us humans are pretty resilient. How to adapt? Well, I’ve stuck in my own idea in the QF download, and the great thing is, you can start doing it now.Have a nice day
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    The Story of The Black Grouse

      Frankie Lassut / Fantasy
The  Story of The Black Grouse

The Black Grouse is an English hero in Scotland, helping out where the Scottish can’t, mainly due to their love of barley based refreshments. With his team, not only does the Grouse perform well at the Highland games, but also in his mission. The villains are English too, a right mad duo, but are sorted out by the grouse and his friends. The real villain is a Scot,The Black Grouse is an English hero in Scotland, helping out where the Scottish can’t, mainly due to their love of barley based refreshments. With his team, not only does the Grouse perform well at the Highland games, but also in his mission. The villains are English too, a right mad duo, but are sorted out by the grouse and his friends. The real villain is a Scot, whose name, if you don’t read it properly, sounds like a fish Scotland is famous for (he has a thing about those ugly wind tower things).I tried to write it in a Scottish accent, so it hasn’t been spell checked, as that task would have sent whoever attempted it quite in need of a good stiff drink.
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    Haunted Like This

      Frankie Lassut / Humor
Haunted Like This

Some very haunting and disturbing poetic images from my sick and tortured mind.I was fortunate enough to spend the first thirty years of my life in the English Lake District. I hung out with the sheep farmers in the hills, shot clay pigeons and stray farm hands on their land, told and listened to stories in the pubs. Joss Naylor, an old mate of mine who is in this story would probably laugh his head off at it, after all, he was involved in the World’s Biggest Liar competition. I say probably because there is always the hope that he might sue me and do me a favour by dragging my name through the silage using some hick Lawyer who represented the alleged guilty in the Texas chainsaw incident. I find Lake District books a bit boring which is why I like to write them in this caricature style which is a lot more interesting and entertaining (I find ... you get the info plus the fun). As you reach the top of Hardknott pass, you can turn and look back down at Eskdale Grike and Gragley Rock. It is a fine example of a glacial groove Zzzzzzz!My version: As you reach the top of Hardknott, you can turn and look back down to Eskdale Grike and Gragley Rock ... and see a ‘black magically’ given life, Swiss Army sheep keyring featuring a deadly bottle opener, a knife and something for getting sheep out of Chelsea Tractor wheel arches. It was lost by a tourist, found and energised by a Warlock sheep farmer ... it’s heading YOUR way! Soon you will be in the hands of Lake District Pagans, and later that day, campers on the lower lands will say ‘Wow! Look at that fire on top of Hardknott!’Much more interesting. Enjoy the ditty. It isn’t very long, but I know how to use it.And, if you ever catch Joss Naylor rooting through your bins ... please tell him.
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    The Plastic Christmas Card

      Frankie Lassut
The Plastic Christmas Card

Happiness’s root is an old Latin word ‘Hopiness’ meaning ‘to feel good’. It hailed from the hop plantations of Evesham i.e. hops (as in malt and) meaning ‘happy crop’, planted and tended originally by Latins. That’s because Latin people (originally French tin miners i.e. ‘La-Tin’) felt happy when they drank the liquid made with hops (and malt).The Plastic Christmas Card is a quirky little ‘wodzeon’ Quick Flash story about creating Christmas happiness. But, what is happiness? This following ‘history’ took hours and hours of research in huge libraries and on the net. Wodzeon? That’s what sometimes happens when someone reads my stuff, they say ‘what’s he on?’... fresh air actually.Happiness’s root is an old Latin word ‘Hopiness’ meaning ‘to feel good’. It hailed from the hop plantations of Evesham i.e. hops (as in malt and) meaning ‘happy crop’, planted and tended originally by Latins. That’s because Latin people (originally French tin miners i.e. ‘La-Tin’) felt happy when they drank the liquid made with hops (and malt). That’s why at Christmas, the hopiest time of year is when people are at their happiest (or hopiest). All the dancing at Christmas is due to these sacred flowers that grow on countless bushes in Evesham, the organic mothers and fathers of Eveshams favourite dance, invented by actor and dancer and buddy of William Shakespeare, William Kemp (Kempe) The Evesham Hop, full of quirky skips and jumps. Evesham was named after the church managed to convince the world that the serpent tempted Eve to eat an apple, when really it helped her discover the magic of the hop; yes you’ve guessed it was actually a hop plant/bush the serpent was on/in and not the church’s apple tree which was a thought constructed Eve ‘Sham’. The serpent was a bit fed up (although it is impossible to tell when a serpent is fed up due to limitation of facial expressions) because it was a very mild Christmas (hence the nudity) and it fancied a few drinks while chilling on the branch, but needed someone to make it first from hops (and malt); the serpent was very wise and knew how to have a good time by making hop juice so it spoke instructions to Eve; God had taken the serpents arms away to save its liver, not to mention the livers of several local hedgehogs that also liked a drink, especially after eating a sticky slug. Adam was therefore the first man to get drunk and hop around dancing. How would Adam have got home from the garden? Easy! Eve would have driven him, and that is why when a woman drives a bloke home from the pub it is seen as natural, simply because it is. Christmas is so good because of that serpent. Kane and Abel were both the results of hopiness and man’s downfall was the hangover, making it hard to make a choice between bad and good ideas.Whisky is also good and the history of it could be called ‘The magic of Bar LEY’ a wine bar near a barley field where whisky was discovered. If the sign-writer had been rubbish and written Bar LEE, anybody called Lee would have felt honoured and gone for a discount, but whisky would have remained obscure.
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    Come-By

      Frankie Lassut / Humor
Come-By

I was fortunate enough to spend the first thirty years of my life in the English Lake District. I find Lake District books a bit boring which is why I like to write them in this caricature style which is a lot more interesting and entertaining (I find ... you get the info plus the fun). Much more interesting. Enjoy the ditty. It isn’t very long, but I know how to use it.I was fortunate enough to spend the first thirty years of my life in the English Lake District. I hung out with the sheep farmers in the hills, shot clay pigeons and stray farm hands on their land, told and listened to stories in the pubs. Joss Naylor, an old mate of mine who is in this story would probably laugh his head off at it, after all, he was involved in the World’s Biggest Liar competition. I say probably because there is always the hope that he might sue me and do me a favour by dragging my name through the silage using some hick Lawyer who represented the alleged guilty in the Texas chainsaw incident. I find Lake District books a bit boring which is why I like to write them in this caricature style which is a lot more interesting and entertaining (I find ... you get the info plus the fun). As you reach the top of Hardknott pass, you can turn and look back down at Eskdale Grike and Gragley Rock. It is a fine example of a glacial groove Zzzzzzz!My version: As you reach the top of Hardknott, you can turn and look back down to Eskdale Grike and Gragley Rock ... and see a ‘black magically’ given life, Swiss Army sheep keyring featuring a deadly bottle opener, a knife and something for getting sheep out of Chelsea Tractor wheel arches. It was lost by a tourist, found and energised by a Warlock sheep farmer ... it’s heading YOUR way! Soon you will be in the hands of Lake District Pagans, and later that day, campers on the lower lands will say ‘Wow! Look at that fire on top of Hardknott!’Much more interesting. Enjoy the ditty. It isn’t very long, but I know how to use it.And, if you ever catch Joss Naylor rooting through your bins ... please tell him.
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