Funny Stories for Kids: Family Wars Episode I: The Forced DinnerDexter Dweezel & Parnassus Pallie / Humor / Science Fiction
The Forced Dinner
Starring Dark Zader
Dr. Dexter Dweezel
Parnassus Pallie, Ph.D.
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Andrea Piera Laguzzi (an amazing artist)
'Dweezel and Pallie' are in Hemi Head BD IT
'Family Wars' is in Molot
The rest is in Aharoni Bold
Charlie Ward, author of “Frotwoot’s Faerie Tales” and “Zoey Nova”
(Skip If This Bores You)
You may be wondering what this story is, how it came to be, and why some elements of the story may seem familiar to you. I will explain this now.
Some years ago my academic partner, Professor Parnassus Pallie, made the groundbreaking discovery of certain ancient documents, collectively called the Chintow Codices, that I, Dexter Dweezel, have had the exciting fortune of translating. They told the story of a war among the stars, of mystical, magic wielding knights, and evil villains of all sorts. I was amazed, though not entirely surprised, to find some similarity to stories that had been told in the recent past, but that many important aspects of the stories had been lost from their ancient sources.
Therefore, Professor Pallie and I have endeavored to set the record straight, and to tell how these events among the stars really happened, in all of their ridiculousness.
Our stories, of course, have no association with any movies or books that have muddled up this epic drama so much, though which, even so, have been so highly enjoyable.
Dr. Dexter Dweezel
Some time ago, out among the stars...
The Forced Dinner
It is a strange time for the galaxy. Lord Zader,
once an evil and ruthless villian, has turned to
good and is living with his family, the heroes
responsible for destroying the Cosmic Empire's
second DOOM SPHERE.
Zader, trying to settle into a normal life, races
home grumpily from his first day as a
server at a juice stand...
Unemployment Strikes Back
Dark Zader, the (formerly) evil Lord of the Gith, disembarked from his space fighter and began to walk slowly up to the front door to his daughter's house. The house was positively suburban, with green aluminum siding, a white picket fence, a small hut in the front yard, perfect for a large furry animal to live in, and several space vehicles parked in the back and on the front lawn.
Zader, who was tall, wore all black, had a menacing metal helmet, and may have been more machine than man, locked up his military space fighter with a beep and slowly trudged up the steps to the front door, letting himself inside.
The house was decorated in an ancient style, with painted sheet rock walls instead of the more usual solid metal, wooden doors with doorknobs instead of ones that slid automatically into the wall, and a large fireplace in the living room. Zader hated the house, it wasn’t spacey enough, and too colorful, he thought, but he had moved here to be closer to his son and daughter. So far this part had worked well.
If only everything in my life were working so well, Zader thought.
“We got another letter from the homeowner’s association,” said Neia, Zader’s daughter and the princess leader of a band of freedom fighters who warred against the evil Cosmic Empire. She was in the kitchen and apparently hadn’t heard Zader walk through the door, she would have greeted Zader if she had. “It’s their final warning. You’ve got to get that trash hauled away or they’re going to charge us a big fine.”
“You mean my baby?” said John Solar, a space smuggler and Neia’s husband. Zader scowled inside his mask as he continued walking. He hated Solar. He was far too much of a scoundrel for Zader’s baby girl.
“We’ve already had this conversation,” said John. “I told them that if they’ve got a problem with the Bizarre Buzzard,” John’s run down freighter spaceship, “they can take it up with the business end of my blaster.”
“It looks terrible,” complained Neia, “and it gets such bad space mileage. It’s just not economical. We should sell it and get a nice mini-spaceship.”
Zader had heard this inane conversation before. John was a fool. If only he’d just get in that ship and fly away, hopefully into a sun or an explosive.
“Her and I have been through it all,” said John. “This baby’s blown up two Doom Spheres.”
“It only blew up one and you weren’t even there!” shouted Neia.
“Nuke, move over,” said Zader to his son as he stepped into the living room.
Nuke, who was also Neia’s twin, was a war hero and Meti Knight (meaning he had special magic), but he had really let himself go. He felt like he’d peeked and was now living the adolescent life that he never got to have. In a perfect illustration of this he was currently sitting on the couch watching holo TV in his underwear and eating Admiral Snackbar’s Cereal.
“Nah… not moving,” said Nuke in his adolescent voice, flipping his messy blonde hair to the side, but not looking up.
Zader lifted his hand and shoved Nuke forcefully off the couch using his Gith magic.
“Hey!” whined Nuke.
Neia stopped talking and walked into the living room as Zader threw himself face down on the couch with a loud thud.
“Daddy, why'd you get home so early?” asked Neia sweetly. “How was your first day?”
Zader groaned and rolled over.
“I don't want to talk about it,” Zader pouted. “I just want to be alone."
"He got fired again," said John dryly.
“That’s a horrible thing to say,” scolded Neia.
“Yeah,” added Zader, “that’s a horrible thing to say.”
"You know, Dark,” said John, “if you want to be alone maybe you ought to get your own place.”
"Hush up!” shouted Neia in irritation. Her demeanor lightened as she turned to Zader. “Oh, Daddy, what happened?”
“They just hate me,” said Zader, clenching his fists, “because of my dark past.”
"Come on, Dad,” croaked Nuke, picking himself off the floor and rubbing his butt without dignity, “What happened this time?"
“Turns out my boss's mother lived in a retirement home on Algernon,” said Zader.
Neia nodded sadly. Zader felt a bit bad. Zader had helped the first Doom Sphere blow up Algernon, Neia’s home planet.
“Keep it down,” complained Nuke, bored of Zader’s answer. “I can’t hear the holo.”
“Ignore Nuke,” consoled Neia. "At least you didn't choke anybody this time."
“Who says I didn't choke anybody?” said Zader, briefly remembering his snot nosed boss, passed out on the floor, red faced and sputtering. He then remembered a dozen or so other choking victims.
“Daddy, you can’t choke your coworkers!” scolded Neia.
“But I like choking people,” complained Zader. “That's what I loved about my last job working for the empire.”
“He’s lost twelve jobs,” said John. “If he can't keep a job then he needs to leave.”
“Quit it, John,” said Neia. Zader liked his daughter, she was always so supportive. What made Zader even prouder was that she was so rich.
“The only job that I was ever good at was working for the Cosmic Empire,” Zader pouted, sitting up slowly on the couch. Nuke sat back down, next to Zader.
“Being Evil Lord of the Gith was perfect for me!” said Zader. “I'll never find a job like that again. I had money, power, and I was good at it.”
“You’ll find a job, Daddy,” said Neia, “You just need to keep looking.”
“Nope,” said Zader, crossing his arms and shaking his head. “I guess I'll just never work again. Nuke,” he demanded, “pass over some of that Admiral Snackbar’s Cereal."
Neia Gets into a Dogfight