The worst romance novel.., p.1
The Worst Romance Novel in the World: Eternal Passion at Sunset, page 1
The Worst Romance Novel in the World
A Mercifully Abridged Version of
Eternal Passion at Sunset
by
Tanya St. Clair
Adapted by Cassandra Gannon
Text copyright © 2020 Cassandra Gannon
Cover Image copyright © 2020 Cassandra Gannon
All Rights Reserved
Published by Star Turtle Publishing
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Also by Cassandra Gannon
The Elemental Phases Series
Warrior from the Shadowland
Guardian of the Earth House
Exile in the Water Kingdom
Treasure of the Fire Kingdom
Queen of the Magnetland
Magic of the Wood House
Coming Soon: Destiny of the Time House
A Kinda Fairytale Series
Wicked Ugly Bad
Beast in Shining Armor
The Kingpin of Camelot
Best Knight Ever
Coming Soon: Happily Ever Witch
Other Books
Love in the Time of Zombies
Not Another Vampire Book
Vampire Charming
Cowboy from the Future
Once Upon a Caveman
Ghost Walk
If you enjoy Cassandra’s books, you may also enjoy books by her sister, Elizabeth Gannon.
The Consortium of Chaos series
Yesterday’s Heroes
The Son of Sun and Sand
The Guy Your Friends Warned You About
Electrical Hazard
The Only Fish in the Sea
Not Currently Evil
The Mad Scientist’s Guide to Dating
Broke and Famous
Other books
The Snow Queen
Travels with a Fairytale Monster
Everyone Hates Fairytale Pirates
Captive of a Fairytale Barbarian
For Damien and Slade.
Sorry guys.
You know I still love you.
Table of Contents
Why Does This Exist?
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Author’s Note
Sneak Peek!
Why Does This Exist?
Disclaimer: Eternal Passion at Sunset is supposed to be ludicrous.
This story is based on an idea from my full-length novel, Not Another Vampire Book. In it, Karalynn Donnelly, a longsuffering editor, is transported into the world’s worst romance novel, Eternal Passion at Sunset. To escape, she has to navigate all the stupidity of the ever-changing plot. And in the process, she falls in love with the misunderstood villain, Damien.
If you haven’t read Not Another Vampire Book, that’s fine. You’ll still be able to follow this story as well as anyone. Because this is Eternal Passion at Sunset undiluted by Karalynn’s presence. This is the book-within-a-book in its original state.
This is the worst romance novel in the world.
Eternal Passion at Sunset was allegedly written by fake author Tanya Sinclair. It stars Slade, the overconfident King of the Vampires, and Melessa, an even more overconfident, mean-girl heroine. For their not-so-epic tale, I tried to distill every annoying cliché of old-school, supernatural romances and inflate them for maximum silliness. (In a loving way. I’m obviously a huge fan of the genre.) There are anachronisms, shifting motivations, changing hair colors, overused words, and nonsensical syntax. Oh and there really is a magical alien cat.
At the end of Not Another Vampire Book, I thought I was done with Eternal Passion at Sunset. The magical enchantment that had been semi-controlling the characters’ actions lifted and all seemed marginally sane again. In fact, I wrote Slade his own sequel book, Vampire Charming. But then, years later, out of the blue, a strange thought entered my head…
What if I actually wrote Eternal Passion at Sunset?
What if I took allllll the unconnected excerpts, crazy dialogue, and bizarre details I’d randomly mentioned in Not Another Vampire Book and tried to weave it into a full story? How terrible could I make it, while still keeping it entertaining, and somewhat coherent?
So, here it is! My (mercifully abridged) version of Eternal Passion at Sunset by Tanya St. Clair. I just hope you enjoy reading it more than poor Karalynn did…
Chapter One
Chicago- 1892
The Fairfax Ballroom
Lady Melessa Fairfax was the most beautiful woman at the party.
Not that her ranking as such was an unusual occurrence. With her raven colored tresses and sparkling blue eyes, Melessa was always the center of attention wherever she went. Men wanted to touch the alabaster perfection of her ivory skin, while women wished that they could be this stunning, popular creature whose delicate laugh could light up a room. Melessa was all that was beautiful and pure in womanhood. That very day, the virginal beauty had saved four orphans and a puppy from drowning, yet she still took the time to buy the very latest of summer fashion to wear to the party. What other woman could hope to compete with such a prize?
But, it was more than just the lustful eyes of men and the envious stares of women that followed beautiful Melessa as her slim figure glided among the guests who’d come to celebrate her betrothal. There was also the glowing black gaze of an ancient, immortal enemy whom she’d never even met. Damien, last of the Wizard Warlocks, was there for revenge and sweet Melessa was the key to all his nefarious plans.
Melessa did not yet know that, though.
Innocently unaware of the supernatural threat, she made her way to one of the windows overlooking her father’s vast estate. For though she appeared to have all the beautiful reasons in the world to feel perfect, she was sad.
So sad.
For her evil father was forcing her to marry a bland accountant named Eugene Blandings.
She wished to be a dutiful daughter and honor her beloved father’s wishes. Lord Fairmont was a kind man and doted on his only child… even if he had basically doomed her to a lifetime of bland sex with a guy who wore a monocle.
(Jesus, what if he wore the monocle while they were having sex?)
Melessa shuddered at the boring thought, her wild spirit rebelling at the idea of such a bland, unsexy husband. Eugene was calm and kind, but her womanhood did not quiver at the sight of his muscular chest. He did not even have a muscular chest. He wore a bowler hat, for God’s sake. She could not be tamed by such a dull, un-mysterious, un-brooding, math nerd. Melessa longed for someone who could master her tempestuous heart.
A handsome, strong, handsome, manly-male, who would awaken her secret passion. Who would overcome her shyness with his animalistic hunger and show her the ways of throbbing desire. (And who was also super rich.) She knew he was out there, for her innocent heart told her so. She need only to find him.
Somehow.
Melessa’s platinum hair bounced against the back of her periwinkle dress, as her lavender gaze surveyed the crimson ballroom. Girls in less expensive, less pretty, needed-them-in-way-larger-sizes gowns were having fun. They laughed up at their beaus and danced, while Melessa gazed sadly out the window. The injustice of it all broke her gentle heart.
Nearby, the World’s Fair was in full swing. She could hear the laughter of the visitors and see the lights of the Ferris Wheel from the window. If only she could feel that kind of joy and freedom. If only she could flee the drudgery of her grim life, throwing herself into the hedonistic whirl beyond her sheltered existence.
And that’s when Melessa got a great idea!
She would run away and join a Wild West show! There was a troupe of sharpshooters and lasso guys putting on a show at the fair. She could join them. (Luckily, Melessa was a champion rider, so she would have no problem getting hired.) If she could sneak out of the party and steal a horse from the stable, she could ride away before she was missed. Then, she’d change her name and disguise her trademark beauty, so as not to be discovered amid the showbiz rabble and embarrass her noble family, and make a name for herself as a cowgirl. It all made perfect sense!
And then, somewhere out there in the vast world, she’d find her true destiny. Soon she would finally meet her handsome prince.
…Or maybe even a king.
***
Slade, the mysterious and muscular King of the Vampires, scanned the dance floor for his destined mate. Somewhere at the Fairfax party was his Eternal-One. He could sense her presence like a deer scented wheat.
Finding her
Slade’s pulsating, animal maleness drew the eyes of all the human girls at the Fairway party as he searched for the one woman who could restore his lost soul. Vampires didn’t have souls until they found their Eternal-One, because of some stuff that happened. Desperate to restore it, he had been hunting for his bride for nearly a thousand years. Tonight he would finally have her!
And not a moment too soon.
Two human women, overcome by his golden beauty, attempted to engage him in conversation. Another invitingly brushed her gloved hand against his dinosaur-sized thigh. Four others simultaneously threw themselves at him shamefully, wishing his blue eyes would fall upon them with favor.
Slade thrilled many women with his sexual prowess. Sometimes several at a time. But not tonight. This night, he would accept only his destined queen. With a practiced smile of dismissal, he strode away from the fawning women. His elegant tuxedo hugged his massive body like silk wrapping paper around a lion.
As he searched for his bride, he absently pushed some lesser males aside with his Vampiric-strength. A bland-looking guy with a monocle stumbled into the wall, dumping his drink all over his shoes. Slade was too manly to notice, all his masculine attention intent on his quest.
He would not let his Eternal-One slip away!
As King of the Vampire Isle, he would claim his queen and together they would rule over the enchanted land. Once they consummated their Eternal-Bond, their union would be eternal. Then, his golden palace would be his bride’s home. The Golden Crown of Mikinlouse would sit upon her lovely head. His bulging golden arms would wrap around her delicate form, holding her close forever. And, obviously, they would have tons of gold, because he was super rich. Their lives together would be golden and eternal and perfect.
…As long as he could find the girl before she fell into the evil hands of Damien, last of the deranged Wizard Warlocks.
Slade’s nemesis was ever lurking. Damien’s twisted brain was like a wounded animal. Cunning and dark. Capable of magicks. Kinda sexy. The sorcerer would stop at nothing to have his revenge and he had targeted Slade’s Eternal-One. Slade needed to find his innocent human mate, before it was too late.
She was but a delicate flower caught in a storm.
***
Damien, last of the Wizard Warlocks, lurked in the shadows outside the Fairfax ballroom, trying to spot Slade’s Eternal-One. Dressed sort of like Jack the Ripper, only he made the look work, he stealthed around the garden peering in windows. An aura of darkness surrounded him, evil emanating from his forbidding form. It was scary, but also kinda sexy.
Every Vampire had an Eternal-One. One woman he was tied to forever. Destroying the woman meant destroying the Vampire. And Damien wouldn’t rest until he’d destroyed Slade. The Vampires had hunted his race since the beginning of time. Now, as the last of his kind, it was time he returned the favor. The human woman was an innocent pawn in their chess match of death, but Damien didn’t care. When you were fated to be a Vampire’s mate… sometimes life just sucked.
Tonight would be the suckiest of all for Slade and his woman.
For six hundred and sixty-six years Damien had been waiting for this moment. Ever since his little sister Amalie died in the Vampire Wars, he’d been raging with rage. As he’d dug a grave for her lost body, all Damien’s emotions had died within him, except his need for justice. Cutting open his hand and allowing the blood to drip onto the dirt of the empty grave, he’d vowed on Amalie’s cross-shaped headstone to make all the vile Vampires pay.
But that was harder than it sounded, since the Vampire King was so damn hard to kill. Desperate for revenge against his enemies, Damien had eventually sought the advice of an old fortuneteller, who’d consulted her crystal ball and foreseen the future. She said that Slade’s Eternal-One would come of age on this very day. And that the girl would be his one weakness.
Damien’s glowing black eyes glowed in a dangerous, but kind of sexy way.
Soon he would cut out the Vampire’s heart. Figuratively. Slade was too strong to actually cut out his heart. But the woman would metaphorically become Slade’s heart and Damien could then take her for his own. (Not that he wanted to own Slade’s heart in --like-- a romantic way. Just in a “killing him” way. Slade was not his type.)
Anyway, once Damien had Slade’s Eternal-One, he would use her for bait. He would use her to capture Slade and throw him in Damien’s dungeon.
A lot of people got chained up in Damien’s torture pit, actually. Just last weekend, he’d captured a Goblin assassin sent to kill him. He wasn’t exactly sure who’d hired the huge, misshapen, wart-covered creature. Damien had countless enemies, so it was hard to keep track of them all. Vampires… Werewolves… panda bears…. But it didn’t matter. The Goblin had died screaming from the wild jackals Damien had released upon him and Slade would die even worse.
Damien smiled icily.
He was darkly handsome, with a lightning-bolt scar on his cheek and a cool-looking-but-in-a-evil-way cane in his hand. The also-cool-but-evil raven on his shoulder squawked, as if she could read his evil thoughts.
“Soon.” He told her, his voice dark and kinda sexy. “Soon.”
Soon he would have Slade’s innocent human girl in his villainous clutches. Soon, his carefully laid plans would all fall into place. Soon the Wizard Warlocks would be avenged!
***
Melessa gracefully glided from the crowded Fairlane ballroom and out into the gleaming night. The gossamer skirts of her gorgeous gown caught in her grasp, she galloped across the grounds. The stable was on the far side of the garden and she gratefully got inside. The gallant horses--Like all of God’s creatures-- showed her gallons of gratitude for her greatness. Melessa greeted them, her gracious smile glinting.
“Melessa!” A familiar voice chided from behind her. It was Melessa’s friend Christine. She wasn’t as pretty or kind as Melessa, but she was very good at listening sympathetically and looking cute --but not too cute-- in pictures with Melessa. “I saw you escape the party and sensed you planned to run away and join some kind of sideshow as a horsewoman.”
Christine knew Melessa’s impulsive passions so well, which was only to be expected. She didn’t really have anything going for her, except Melessa let her hang out with her at parties.
“You must reconsider!” Christine continued, her voice pleading. “You promised I could be maid-of-honor and I’ve already bought my dress. I look almost as pretty as you would in it.”
(No, she didn’t.)
Melessa rounded on Christine, her brown eyes on fire with her fiery passion. “I’m running away from my marriage and no one can stop me. I can no longer pretend that I belong in this world. Eugene will never make me happy. I must be free of the stifling confines of society and be true to my restless heart.”
“But, what of your father, Melessa dear?”
“Father doesn’t understand!” Melessa threw her hands up, wishing that ordinary people could comprehend what it was like to be destined for greatness. “Eugene isn’t the man for me. He can never fulfill this aching passion in my blood for something more. For a man who can master my very soul.” She turned pleading eyes on Christine. “Promise me you won’t tell them that I’ve gone.”
“What of your sainted dying mother, who wishes only to see you safely wed to a dull man of position?” Christine argued, her lesser-prettiness looking even less pretty than usual in the stable’s lantern lights. (Not everyone looked perfect in all lighting, like Melessa naturally did.) “You’re too generous to consider your own happiness over her heartfelt wish. Also, Eugene is super rich. Wouldn’t you like to marry someone super rich?”
“I would never choose money over true love!” Melessa cried. “Not when I can have both. I know that there’s a handsome man out there, searching for me and feeling the same primal longing I do! …And he’s sure to be spectacularly wealthy.”
At least, he’d better be.
“And what if this rich, handsome man comes here in his quest?” Christine countered. “Did you consider that you may be running away, just as he is coming to find you?”
