A Guest at the Ludlow, and Other Stories

       Bill Nye / Humor
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A Guest at the Ludlow, and Other Stories
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A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW

AND OTHER STORIES

BY

EDGAR WILSON NYE

[BILL NYE]

_WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY LOUIS BRAUNHOLD_



INDIANAPOLIS AND KANSAS CITY

THE BOWEN-MERRILL COMPANY

M DCCC XCVII

Copyright, 1896

BY

THE BOWEN-MERRILL CO.

A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW

_You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and gethere, or you can put some other man's nickel in your own slot and comehere with an attendant_ (Page 2)]

* * * * *

This volume was prepared for publication by the author a few monthsbefore his death, and is now published by arrangement with Mrs. EdgarWilson Nye.

* * * * *

CONTENTS

PAGE.

I. A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW 1

II. OLD POLKA DOT'S DAUGHTER 13

III. A GREAT CEREBRATOR 22

IV. HINTS FOR THE HOUSEHOLD 33

V. A JOURNEY WESTWARD 42

VI. A PROPHET AND A PIUTE 52

VII. THE SABBATH OF A GREAT AUTHOR 64

VIII. A FLYER IN DIRT 69

IX. A SINGULAR ”HAMLET” 81

X. MY MATRIMONIAL BUREAU 92

XI. THE HATEFUL HEN 99

XII. AS A CANDIDATE 108

XIII. SUMMER BOARDERS AND OTHERS 123

XIV. THREE OPEN LETTERS 134

XV. THE DUBIOUS FUTURE 144

XVI. EARNING A REWARD 156

XVII. A PLEA FOR JUSTICE 162

XVIII. GRAINS OF TRUTH 168

XIX. A SCAMPER THROUGH THE PARK 179

XX. HINTS TO THE TRAVELER 187

XXI. A MEDIEVAL DISCOVERER 201

XXII. HOW TO PICK OUT A BIRTHPLACE 208

XXIII. ON BROADWAY 218

XXIV. MY TRIP TO DIXIE 222

XXV. THE THOUGHT CLOTHIER 228

XXVI. A RUBBER ESOPHAGUS 233

XXVII. ADVICE TO A SON 243

XXVIII. THE AUTOMATIC BELL BOY 254

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

PAGE

You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get here, or you can put some other man's nickel in your own slot and come here with an attendant _Frontispiece_

His old look of apprehensive cordiality did not leave him until he had seen me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and start for home 15

Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and hit him a smart, stinging blow with a black snake 27

My idea was to apply it to the wall mostly, but the chair tipped, and so I papered the piano and my wife on the way down 36

Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear their young, but people never go there 45

I improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of the beautiful and picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians 57

He sometimes succeeds in getting himself disliked by some other dog and then I can observe the fight 67

Then rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off into the scrub pine, carrying with me a large board 74

He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should say, ”Have you got any more of that there red paint left?” 105

”Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I thank God that you are POOR!!!” 115

Three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in activity as in repose, hence the hornets' nests introduced by me last season 124

Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of pounding on the floor with the butt of the cue ever and anon, produces at last optical illusions 149

Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the wild and disappointed yells of the Salvation army 159

”I was in a large, cool hosspital which smelt strong of some forrin substans. The hed doctor had been breathing on me and so I come too” 163

Said the Governor as he swung around with his feet over in our part of the carriage and asked me for a light 181

He therefore had to borrow a bald-headed man to act as bust for him in the evening 194

It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a lamp in a church, and observing that the oscillations were of equal duration 202

Here Andrew turned the grindstone in the shed, while a large, heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour or two 210

”A man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor of Boston, but my idee is that he's a heap more likely to be mayor of the New Jerusalem” 220

I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale, sallow liar, who is just beginning to work his way up to the forty-ninth degree in the Order of Ananias 222

In hotels it will take the mental strain off the bell-boy, relieving him also of a portion of his burdensome salary at the same time 256


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