Untitled dbbw, p.1
Untitled DBBW, page 1
For Gran
Tuesday 21 March
Winter in the Fairytale Woods is finally over!
Make no mistake, friends, spring has definitely sprung. This very morning, for the first time this year, I was rudely awoken by the
TWEET-
TWEET-
TWEET of a bird in the tree above my den.
‘The nerve!’ I told myself. ‘Don’t these confounded animals know who they’re dealing with? What part of BIG BAD WOLF don’t they understand?’ Still half asleep, I stomped out of bed, ready to give that chirruping good-for-nothing a piece of my mind, when it struck me:
There’s a bird in MY TREE!
Now, I’m not a huge fan of birds – the feathers always stick in my throat – and I certainly don’t like being woken by them. I mean, these good looks don’t come for free! I need my beauty sleep to keep my claws long, my fur thick and my teeth extra sharp and glinty. But seeing this particular bird really cheered me up. Because birds mean spring. And spring means one thing, and one thing only.
FOOD!
Quite frankly, this winter has been tough. Long, hard and hungry. Nothing to eat but crunchy little insects and scrawny, bony rats, not much more than a mouthful of fur and tail. Yeuch!
I’m wasting away! But, as my little feathered friend proves, that’s all in the past. Any day now, these woods are going to be bursting with tasty newborn snacks…
Goodbye, insects! Goodbye, rats!
Hellooooo, little piggies! Hi there, Easter bunnies! Nice to meet you, spring chickens… or should I say… nice to EAT you!
Heheheheheh…
YUM!
Spring. It’s the best!
And this weekend is my favourite event of the year. Fetch the biggest plate you can find – no, wait, grab me an even bigger one… It’s the wolf pack’s annual spring barbecue!
There’ll be so much delicious meat on that grill, I’m drooling just thinking about it!
Wednesday 22 March
Four days to go till the spring barbecue!
Don’t you just love a meal you don’t have to catch yourself?
And it’s just as well I don’t have to catch it, because in my current state, I doubt I could run down a three-legged tortoise!
Hunting down a meal is easier for the pack, of course. Cheating, really, if you think about it. We lone wolves, we’re at the sharp end. Nothing to count on but our wits, our charm and outrageous good looks.
Speaking of which, I have to admit, I’m a tiny bit out of shape. All those long, cold days, with nothing to eat, nothing to do. Just sulking in my den, hiding away from the frost and the rain and the snow… I’m all fur and bones! And the fur’s not shiny like it should be either. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a fine specimen. My tail and my eyebrows are the bushiest in town, and, if I do say so myself, I practically ooze charm from every pore. It’s just… I’m a bit underfed. A bit… weak. And my pack does not appreciate weakness. I need to raise my game again now spring is here, and get back in shape. Show the pack and the rest of these woods I’m BIG and I’m BAD, and I’m not to be messed with.
So today marks the start of my new spring workout.
I’m thinking something gentle to start with, maybe:
Should be a good start anyway.
Yawn…
Right, might snatch a quick nap before I jump to it. I’m still in a weakened state, after all. Don’t want to do myself an injury.
Nothing a tactical snooze can’t fix…
Thursday 23 March
am delighted to announce that the spring workout is underway! Admittedly, it was a slow start. I mean, I knew I was a little out of shape, but my goodness! Star jumps are exhausting – all that leaping and arm waving. I was out of breath after the second one, and the third very nearly finished me off. Which didn’t leave me with much energy for the other exercises. I mean I just about managed to push myself up again for the second press-up before collapsing, and I’m not sure the pull-up counts at all… I was mainly just hanging there.
Still, I’ve made a start, which is what really matters, I think?
Maybe ten of each is a more realistic goal to begin with.
I’m sure it will be easier once I get some food inside me.
Speaking of food… three sleeps till the barbecue!
Friday 24 March
Managed three of each this morning without collapsing – pretty pleased with that!
Food still a little thin on the ground round here.
I took a swipe at that annoying bird around breakfast time, but he just fluttered off. Munched a leaf covered in caterpillars instead. At least they can’t fly away yet!
I’m going to need to get faster if I’m going to make a catch this spring.
Caught sight of the three little pigs over by the Wishing Well while I was out practising my prowl this morning. They obviously haven’t had a difficult winter, with their happy skips and their curly tails. Maybe once the barbecue is over and I’ve got my strength back, I’ll treat them to a little game of Predator Versus Prey…
Two sleeps to go!
Saturday 25 March
Halfway to my target! My arms feel more muscly already. Once I’ve got some protein in me, there’ll be no stopping me.
One sleep to go!!!
Sunday 26 March
It’s
BARBECUE DAY!!!!!
I was so excited last night, I could hardly sleep, and just when it felt like I had dropped off at last, that little bird started
TWEET-
TWEET-
TWEETING
for the dawn when anyone with eyes could see it was still the middle of the night. Somebody get that bird a watch! As I say, I don’t normally go in for eating birds, but I might have to make an exception in his case.
Anyway, I could have done with a teeny bit more beauty sleep, but never mind. I’m off to the river for a quick freshen up, check my reflection, brush my fur, smoooooth down these lovely eyebrows – have to look my best for the pack! – then it’s off to get FED.
Monday 27 March
Yesterday did not turn out how I expected.
In fact, it was a disaster.
I don’t even know where to start. It was bad, bad, BAD from beginning to end.
Well, actually, that’s not quite true. There was one silver lining to the day… A silver lining in the shape of a little girl in a bright red cape. Little Red, they call her. Not the most original name, I know, but that’s the Woods for you. Cat with boots on? Puss in Boots. Young mermaid? The Little Mermaid. Girl with long hair who lives in a tower? High-Haired Helga. I’m kidding, her name’s Rapunzel, but you get my drift.
But back to Little Red…
I saw her down by the river as I was freshening up for the barbecue and she was strolling over the bridge from the village, heading for the woods. In her red cape, she was pretty obvious – a tasty-looking meal!
Soon as I saw her, I straightened up and twirled my bushy tail round my paw, innocent as you like. Putting on my biggest smile and most charming voice, I said, ‘LITTLE RED, I BELIEVE? I’m Lawrence, your local Big Bad Wolf. Isn’t it a fine morning? And what brings you out to the woods today?’
She shot me a withering look as she passed. ‘Visiting my grandma, like I do every Sunday,’ she said, adding under her breath, ‘not that it’s any business of yours.’
‘Good for you,’ I said smoothly, stepping aside so that she could pass. ‘See you around, I hope. Found myself a little den back that way.’
‘Pack threw you out, did they?’ came the less-than-polite reply.
I gave a relaxed laugh. ‘I’m a lone wolf,’ I said. ‘It’s a lifestyle choice.’
‘Well, Lawrence –’ she smirked – ‘sometimes choices are just excuses in fur.’
And with that, she flounced off along the path, swinging her basket like she hadn’t a care in the world! The cheek! I was about to chase after her, and teach her some manners, when I remembered I was late for the barbecue and, anyway, I didn’t want to ruin my appetite, so I let her get away… this time!
If only I’d known what was in store, I wouldn’t have bothered.
As soon as I stepped into the clearing where the barbecue was being held, I knew something was up. Mum and Dad were nowhere to be seen – off hunting, most likely – and the warm welcome I was hoping for from the rest of the family was sadly lacking. My aunts’ and uncles’ tails stopped wagging, and my cousins’ ears dropped down like they were worried or scared. A few younger wolves whispered to one another, giving me sneaky looks, and an older wolf, who I recognised as one of my father’s friends, lowered his gaze and turned away.
It felt just a teensy bit awkward, but I pressed on.
I spotted A-Game over by the grill. A-Game was always on the grill, usually cooking some big old juicy hot dogs! Oh my, do I love sausages! I’d been waiting all winter for a treat like this one, and my mouth was slavering as I headed over.
On my way, I bumped into Wolfman, Dad’s second-in-command. He was surrounded by his little gang of followers, as usual. If anything, he seemed to have got bigger over winter – how does he manage it? Still, I tried not to show fear. You can’t – they can smell it if you do. So I puffed up my chest, casual as could be.
‘Wolfman!’ I said, slapping him on the back with one hand, and throwing up the other for a high-five. ‘Great to see you!’
There was a tense silence. My hand was in the air, a fake smile hanging on my face.
Wolfman looked at my hand, then at me. ‘Oh hey,
I let my hand fall – styling it out as best I could with a big fake yawn – then after standing there a minute, nodding to myself and wondering what to do next, I thought, forget it, their loss, and walked away.
I won’t lie, it stung a little, reminding me why I left the pack in the first place. But whatever! No one can keep the Big Bad Wolf down.
Besides, I wasn’t there to make friends; I was there to eat. A lot. Preferably until I felt a bit sick and slightly disgusted with myself. So I ditched that bunch and headed over to the grill.
‘A-Game!’ I said, chucking a friendly arm round his shoulder. ‘What’s cooking?’
A-Game pointed with his barbecue tongs. ‘We’ve got venison, we’ve got lamb, chicken breast, leg and thigh, oh, and some absolutely scrumptious pork sausages.’
A string of drool slid out of my mouth, and I slurped it back up.
‘Here!’ I said, holding out both paws. ‘Hand it over!’
‘Sorry,’ replied A-Game, shaking his head. ‘Pack members only.’ He said it loudly, looking over to make sure Wolfman had heard too. Wolfman and his crew sniggered obligingly.
At this point, I didn’t even care about the laughter. I just wanted to know about the meat.
‘You’re kidding, right? I’ll take a sausage, please, A-Game.’
A-Game fixed me with a serious look. ‘Listen, Lawrence,’ he said. ‘We kicked you out for a reason. You never caught anything! You need to fend for yourself.’
‘Fend for myself?’ I squeaked in surprise. ‘I’m starving!’
The others chuckled, but it wasn’t a kind sound. And A-Game just tutted and shook his head, disapprovingly, then carried on flipping that delicious-looking meat.
‘Ha ha, Lawrence the loser!’ shouted one of Wolfman’s crew, and before I knew it, they were all howling and cackling, more like a bunch of stupid hyenas than a pack of wolves.
Well, it didn’t feel great. In fact, I almost felt like crying. I’d waited so long for a proper meal, and for company too, if I’m really honest. It was a big disappointment, and I was about to leave with my tail between my legs when I heard a little voice behind me say, ‘Hi, Lawrence.’
I turned around. It was Squirt, the runt of the pack. The one wolf who gets it worse than I do!
‘Don’t mind them,’ he whispered. ‘They’re idiots. How was your winter? You hungry?’
‘Depends,’ I said, eyeing his plate suspiciously. ‘What is that?’ The items on his plate didn’t look like meat, but I have to admit, they smelled pretty good.
‘Well, don’t bite my head off,’ he said with a shy smile, ‘they are veggie, but these pies are really tasty, and I—’
‘VEGGIE?’ I echoed, pulling a face and pushing the offending item away with my paw. ‘Are you out of your mind? Vegetables are disgusting!’
‘Want to know a secret?’ asked Squirt. He glanced around to make sure no one was listening, then lowered his voice to a whisper. ‘I prefer them to meat.’
He offered me his plate one more time. For a split second, a thought flashed in my mind: At least he didn’t have to hurt anything to make those pies. But then I remembered who I was: the biggest, BADDEST wolf in the woods, and my hackles went up.
‘Oh why don’t you get lost, Squirt!’ I barked so loudly, he jumped back in shock and dropped his plate.
I admit, it was harsh, but… vegetables! What was he thinking? Besides, I suppose on some level I knew what would happen next. Right on cue, the pack started laughing, but this time at Squirt.
I felt a stab of guilt when I saw the look on his face. His eyes were swimming with hurt as he rummaged around on the ground, picking up his food.
What can I say? It’s a dog-eat-dog world – not a dog-eat-hotdog-with-his-pals world, more’s the pity. Still, at least I managed to get the attention off me for a second.
And on that note, I decided to quit while the going was good. That’s right, I left the wolf pack’s annual spring barbecue without having
EATEN
A SINGLE
THING.
My tummy was growling, but my head was held high, my tail bushy and upright, as I strode out of there.
That’s that, I thought as I sloped back between the trees. The pack are dead to me.
And I really mean it this time. I’m finished with them. I really am. And you know what? That’s the way I like it. I don’t need friends. You have to look after yourself in this world. Nobody else is going to put food on your plate. If you want to eat, you have to go out there and chase it down yourself.
So that’s precisely what I decided to do. Well, less ‘chase’ exactly, and more ‘wait hungrily on the corner of the bridge, hoping for some poor, unfortunate creature to come skipping past on its way home.’
Yup, top of my list was my silver lining – Little Red. I waited a good hour or so on the corner of that bridge for her to come back from visiting her grandma. But there was no sign of her whatsoever, so I trudged on home, hungry and disappointed.
Today I’ve just been sulking – I’m so HUNGRY.
Tuesday 28 March
My workout has taken a hit since the barbecue. Going to have to build up my confidence again.
I’m off to the bridge to see if Little Red walks by. I’m determined to make her my first big meal of spring.
Wednesday 29 March
Back to pre-barbecue levels!
Managed to swipe some eggs from a bird’s nest down by the river. Still no sign of Little Red though.
I’ll make sure I’m there same time again on Sunday.
Thursday 30 March
I’m definitely getting stronger now. Just need something to eat!
The problem is, I need food to build muscle, but I need muscle to catch FOOD! What’s a wolf to do?
I really could have done with those sausages…
Wait!
I’ve had the most brilliant idea!
I’m going to try and slip over the bridge into the village and steal a string of sausages from the market.
They’ll be raw, of course, rather than hot and sizzling with smoky flavour, but the thought of that full, satisfied feeling… It’s almost too much to bear!
Maybe I could even hold back a couple – throw a little annual barbecue of my own?
That’ll teach that sniggering pack. Then they’ll see what a success I’ve made of my life
WITH
NO
HELP
FROM
THEM
WHATSOEVER!
Just have to get past that MOODY TROLL first…
Friday 31 March
Grrr. No sausages.
I was almost halfway across the bridge when that grumpy old troll came lumbering out from his hiding place.
‘BRIDGE TAX,’ he mumbled, shuffling his full bulk into my path on those little legs of his. It was the little legs I was counting on… I mean, how fast could they really carry him?
‘Good day, Mister Troll!’ I said, giving him my biggest, most charming smile. ‘Bridge tax, of course – let me just…’ I made a big show of patting my sides. ‘Oh blast! I seem to have left the house without my wallet. I don’t suppose you’d mind letting me off just this once…?’
‘NO TAX, NO CROSSING,’ grumbled the troll.
‘Completely understandable,’ I said, pretending to leave. ‘I’ll just pop back and get it.’
I knew I would have to play the next bit very carefully indeed…
Glancing over my shoulder, I waited till the troll was shuffling back to his station beneath the bridge; then, when his back was turned, I bolted for the other side.
