Part One: Killing Hitler

       William Dean Hamilton / Humor / Actions & Adventure / Science Fiction
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make sure that you are taken care of, I will send Zog over to help make sure nothing gets out of hand.”
Heinz said, “Oh good that should help. Is he a scientist?”
Himmler said, “No, not that kind of help, but he will make sure everything is taken care of.”
Heinz smiled.
Outer Space
March 12, 1933
ish
Oppenheim’s radio wave coursed through outer space at light speed. A monstrously large alien craft headed towards the signal, millions of miles away, but yet not that far in terms of space. Ten eyes peered out of the main window; they were all connected by tentacles to a large purple blob held up by ten other tentacles. The cabin which the blob was in was perhaps a hundred feet long and half as wide. Screens filled the room, three of them were broken and the occasional wire sparked sporadically. Lights of different colors seemed to blink randomly.
Another blob which was similar to the first blob except for a hint of blue spoke, “Captain, I have made contact with this Himmler again. I think there is a planet around here we can plunder.”
The captain said, “Blobby, I think you may be taking this globe too seriously, I mean it was just a shondle present from when you were a child.”
The blob said, “Captain, you know my name is Mike. Even though the traditional shondle presents are supposed to be from children, I think that perhaps this one was perhaps from just a short adult.”
The captain said, “Ah, I could see that happening. We don’t pay too close attention before we start in with the wholesale slaughtering.”
Mike said, “So I think there is something to this. If this was just a toy of some sort, then I think it would have spoken to me before. I think they will help us if we promise to kill something called Jews first, of course, they want us to be peaceful with them.”
The captain said, “The first thing is no problem, we were going to kill everything on the planet anyways, we might have to break the second promise. But how are we going to find this planet?”
Mike said, “That seems to be the problem, there is some kind of signal which will lead us to them, but we have not detected it yet.”
The captain said, “That’s horrible, I don’t want to slow down the ship until we can find the place, it takes so many resources to get the ship going this fast, if we can’t find a planet to replenish us we could end up drifting in space forever. The thought of it makes me stressed out. Bring me the Aulterian.”
Mike said, “But sir, he has been dead for three weeks now.”
The captain asked, “Do you think that the Aulterian will be able to feel pain after he is dead?”
Mike said, “Well captain, would it be impertinent to ask you a question first, but keep in mind your response will in no way affect me answer.”
The captain said, “Go ahead, that sounds reasonable.”
Mike asked, “What will you do if he can no longer feel pain?”
The captain said, “Well, I can’t just whip it if he doesn’t feel pain, so I guess I would have to whip one of the crew.”
Mike said, “Very reasonable sir, and is there any chance that the person you would whip would be me?”
The captain paused and scratched one of his tentacles on top of his blobbiness, “Why yes, since you are in the same room, it would be very convenient for me to whip you.”
Mike said, “Well, I am absolutely certain that the Aulterian can still pain after death, probably for years, heck maybe for centuries.”
The captain asked, “How sure are you of this?”
Mike said, “I am absolutely certain. Feel pain after death, it's only common sense.”
The captain said, “Bring it here.”
Mike said, “Certainly.” Mike left the cabin and drug the thing, which was shaped like an eagle, into the room. Its head was crocked to the side, and the foul smelling thing had worms twisting through its side. The worms grossed Mike out, but he had an idea.
Mike said, “I think that if you whip him where the worms are, it will hurt worse.”
The captain stood up taller, “Really, that sounds like fun, kind of like a game.”
Mike said, “Yes.”
The captain pushed on the touch screen in front of him and a hidden panel opened that held the whip, he then grasped it with one of his tentacles. The captain whipped the dead thing, and as he did his eye tentacles drifted closed to the body to see where it hit. “I got one,” he said after he hit a worm, “This is fun.”
Mike knew eventually he would whip all of the meat off of the bones, and the captain might not believe that a skeleton would feel pain; he would have to think about that carefully, or see if he could get Joe in here when it happened. That was risky though, as the captain was rather stupid, and Joe could end up being his new favorite, or worse, forget that he wasn’t Mike. He focused his attention back at the captain, his eye tentacles were practically touching the dead thing, he should have been…
The captain cried, “Ouch.” he had whipped one of his eyes, and then in his panic, his eye touched the dead thing and a worm crawled on his eye, “Get it off, get it off.”
Mike staggered over to the captain; it was not so much by smarts they had conquered worlds, more immunity to most weapons, being gelatinous. After he reached the captain, he grabbed the worm with his bottom tentacle and threw it across the room.
The captain said, “Thank you, Joe, you have been most helpful.”
Mike sighed.
New York
July 29th, 2015
Even Later
Bad Restaurant
Lindsey sat in the restaurant with her arms crossed, “Does this mean I have to tell my part now.”
Martin said, “I wasn't there sis.”
Lindsey said, “But this is really embarrassing.”
Martin said, “I would say that was an understatement.”
Lindsey said, “Alright, but I want to let you know I was drinking a few beers. The beer is very good in Germany. I know that doesn’t help much.”
Burt said, “I’m sure it can’t be that bad, you seem like a nice girl.”
Lindsey said, “I am a nice girl, but I’m afraid you might look at me in a different way after I tell you what I did that night.”
Burt said, “What could you have done to make me think of you that differently, did you kill Hitler?”
Lindsey said, “No, it’s worse than that.”
Burt exclaimed, “WHAT!”
Lindsey said, “I had a lot to drink, and I was reading Cosmo, and it said that sex is better if you are doing it with a crazy person.”
Burt stared at her.
Lindsey said, “And then Hitler sat down where Himmler had a few minutes ago, and I couldn’t get the thought out of me head, there isn’t a crazier person in all of history than Hitler.”
Burt said, “No!”
Lindsey said, “It’s true, there isn’t”
Lindsey said, “Then Hitler saw I was looking at him and he came over…”
Munich Germany
March 12th, 1933
Even later
Tavern
Hitler looked down at Lindsey, “Are you OK, miss?”
Lindsey asked, “Are you, Hitler?”
Hitler said, “Why yes, how do you know me?”
Lindsey said, “Well, me and my brother have come here to buy a painting and…”
Hitler said, “Oh my heavens, it has been such a long time since I have painted. This brings a smile to my face.”
Lindsey said, “Well that’s not exactly what I mean, I have heard that you don’t like Jews and want to kill them all.”
Hitler said, “That’s not true at all while there are some Nazis, that’s this club I’m in, who want to kill all of the Jews. They have promised me to be the president of the club if I swear an oath to kill all the Jews. Now that I think about it, perhaps I should say a lot of the club, well, most. Now that I think of it more I would have to say, virtually all of them want to kill every last Jew. I am a moderate in the club..”
Lindsey asked, “What do you mean by that?”
Hitler said, “I only want to kill a few dozen of them.”
Lindsey said, “How could you kill anyone, that is the worst thing I have heard in my life.”
Hitler said, “We have to get rid of the Jews, that’s just a fact.”
Lindsey said, “Why is that a fact?”
Hitler said, “It is only common sense, the dirty bankers, and how we were stabbed in the back during the Great War.”
Lindsey said, “Well I’m Jewish.”
Hitler said, “And the dirty Jewish lawyers, all the lies they tell, wait, what did you say?”
Lindsey said, “I’m Jewish.”
Hitler shook his head in disbelief, ‘Oh, but you know, not all Jewish people are bad, they have their good points too. Um, ah , well, oh you know nobody likes lawyers or politicians, any of their kind is a liar.”
Lindsey asked, “Aren’t you a politician?”
Hitler said, “well, um, ah, yes, I am, but I’m not like those Je…er, um, I am not like the other kinds of politicians. I am an honest man.”
Lindsey said, “I can tell.”
Hitler said, “I am so sorry, we have gotten off on the wrong foot. You know, perhaps all it would take is for me to get to know what a real Jew is like. Would you get to know me better, perhaps you are the one person who can show me what the Jew is like. Perhaps it is just the friends and associates I have been around that have made me blind to people such as yourself.”
Lindsey said, “Well, I don’t know, do you really think I could change you?”
Hitler smiled.
New York
July 29th, 2015
Even Later Still
Bad Restaurant
Burt said, “You fell for that, that’s the oldest trick in the book.”
Martin asked, “What Book?”
Burt said,
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