Part One: Killing Hitler

      by William Dean Hamilton / Humor / Actions & Adventure / Science Fiction

Joe.”
The captain said, “You were just being modest, congratulations Joe.”
Mike said, “My name is Mike, not Joe.”
The captain said, “Are you sure, I could swear you were Joe.”
Mike said, “No captain, how long have we worked together and you can’t remember my name.”
The captain said, “But you look a lot like Joe.”
Mike said, “No, I don’t Joe has that birthmark that looks like an arrow between his tentacles.”
The captain yelled, “That’s Joe? He’s absolutely hideous. I don’t see how he can even stand to look in a mirror.”
Mike said, “See why I’m offended when you call me Joe.”
The captain said, “Can we trust this information about jello coming from him?”
Mike said, “I don’t think his physical appearance will affect eating jello.”
The captain said, “Just feed it to another person first before we all start eating it.”
Mike said, “Sure, we don’t all want to look like we have had an arrow shot through our heads.” They both laughed and Mike continued, “The other thing is that we are very close to the signal, we should be able to pick it up in just a few hours.” Mike walked over to the main window and wiped jello off of it with one of his tentacles, “I think that radio waves are usually invisible, but this glass makes them visible, you can see how close the signal is now.”
A light pulsed outside in a steady rhythm. The captain felt almost hypnotized by the light, not only was it beautiful, it also represented a chance for some real excitement instead of jello butterflies. He watched for ten minutes, but when the light quivered and then fell away to the side and disappeared.
The captain yelled, “Mike, the radio signal is gone.”
Mike scuttled over to look out the window, the captain was right, there was no signal. They would have reached it in less than a day. If they knew how to operate the spaceship fully they might have been able to read the signal anyways. Mike’s tentacles gave out under him and he lay in the jello crying.
The captain said, “Blobby, pull yourself together, are you a man, or a blob?”
Mike spoke through the tears, “I am a blob, but even with that I don’t know if I can face the future. My life expectancy is another 800 years, and I’m going to have to spend it eating jello and being called blobby. This whole place is sticky now, I wanted to get out and see the sites, eat a few people before I died.”
The captain lay one of his tentacles on Mike’s shoulders and said, “Me too. Man, now that I think of it, this really blows chicken noodle chunks.” He slid down next to Mike and wondered how long he should sit there. His mind wandered, and he thought to himself if they could make a jello mold of a moose.
New York
June 15, 2015
Bar
Martin looked around at the bar that he and Lindsey had chosen. It was a very large bar, lit by neon signs for Budweiser and Schultz; It also contained a large window which they sat next to. The bar’s tables and chairs were made of wood etched with old-fashioned designs. The frame around the large window was meticulously carved into eagles and other designs. While it was too early for there to be many people in the bar, there were a couple people who were dressed casually, but there were also a few in business suits and skirts. The window outside showed a park of some sort, although it wasn’t one that Martin recognized. Three men drug a huge roll over to a series of scaffolds.
Martin said, “I am so glad to hear American music again.” On the radio Accept played ‘Up to the Limit.”
Lindsey said, “I am really glad to be back home, although I swear this beer tastes different than what it used to taste like.”
Martin picked up an odd aftertaste in his as well but didn’t think much of it. He would get a bottle next time instead of a draft. The workers outside had finished hoisting the roll up to the top of the scaffolds and were taking steps to secure it to the wall behind. “It looks like it's a flag their hanging. What a great time to come back.”
Lindsey said, “Oh, you’re right it is a flag.”
Martin asked, “What do you want to do next?”
Lindsey said, “I did need a drink after all of that, but I just feel like taking a nice, long shower, and getting into bed.”
Martin said, “Sounds good to me too. You know I can’t wait to have a cheeseburger.”
Lindsey smiled, “What about a nice milkshake?”
Martin said, “Yes, that sounds great.“ He fumbled in his pockets looking for his wallet but found a flower there instead. He pulled it out, it was the yellow flower the little girl had picked. “I know this sounds incredible, but I picked it up while we were moving through time. I saw this little girl that looked liked she was being captured by Nazi, but there isn’t any way that could happen now, is there?”
Lindsey said, “That is very odd, it has to be the current reality, but there are a lot of evil things which happen in the world.”
Martin said, “I suppose.“ He took a sip of his beer and looked back out the window. The workers had gotten the flag unfurled about half way, but there was something odd about the flag. He could faintly hear the workers shout, and they pushed the flag off of the scaffold to make it easier to work. There was no mistaking it, there was a swastika on the middle of the American flag. “No.”
Lindsey said, “What?”
Martin said, “Lindsey, there is a swastika on the flag.”
Lindsey looked over, and a look of sad confusion ran over her face. “This has to be some sort of joke, we killed him, we killed Hitler, the Nazis should be gone from history.”
Martin said, “Except there was more than one Nazi. Hitler attacked Russia when they were allies, he wasn’t a good strategist, he was overconfident. Maybe his replacement wasn’t.”
Lindsey said, “How are we going to find out if this is real without getting shot.”
Martin said, “Excuse me, sir, to a man close to them who was dressed in a suit.”
The man said, “Ah yes, what can I do for you?”
Martin pretended to be drunk, “I know this is probably a stupid question, but I think I might have bumped my head, anyways can you tell me, is that the regular flag now?”
The man looked up and saw the flag, he curtly said, “No one likes the Nazis, but you had better not say things like that in public, the Gestapo are all around. Good day.” and then he strode out of the bar.
Lindsey said, “Oh snickerdoodle.”
Martin slammed his fist down, “Flying nuns of Glasgow. This is horrible.”
End of book one.
Credits
Cover picture of Hitler is from the German Federal Archives
Cover picture of zombies is by artist Teujene
Cover picture of UFO is a public domain photo
Notes
Fritz Haber is an actual Jewish scientist who was very patriotic because he thought Germany was very progressive to Jewish people. He invented the things attributed to him in this book, and was allowed to remain a scientist after the Nazis came to power since he was in the German Army during the First World ar. He was heartbroken though and left for England. I don't have any information that would suggest he was full of himself, but this book is a comedy after all.
This book is also available in print from most retailers
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