Part One: Killing Hitler

       William Dean Hamilton / Humor / Actions & Adventure / Science Fiction
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would never have to leave the station.”
The policeman said, “I don’t see what would be wrong with that. I’ll let you.”
Martin said, “Great, I’ll be back later.”
Munich Germany
March 14, 1933
Dorsey stood in the center of the operating room in front of the dog, the cat was on an operating table a few feet away, the nurse filled the otherwise white and bright room with a grimacing frown. A necklace hung outside of the white surgical gown Dorsey was wearing; it was a strange arrangement of lines that seemed to bend the mind when one gazed upon it. Sometimes the necklace seemed to reflect blue light off its black surface, although that might be just a trick of the light.
The nurse said, “Let me tuck that into your surgical gown for you doctor.”
Dorsey said, “No, it has to be out for the operation to work.”
The nurse asked, “Doctor?”
Dorsey said, “I don’t have to explain myself to you.” and he started to cut into the dog.
As he worked the nurse asked, “You’re taking the brain of the dog out as well.”
Dorsey said, “Well yes, of course, how else will the cat be able to use the dog’s vocal chords?”
The nurse said, “Oh, um, I see. But the brains of the animals are much different in size.”
Dorsey said, “I think I can make it fit.”
The nurse said, “You don’t think that will hurt the brain?”
Dorsey said, No chance skipper.”
The nurse just stared at Dorsey for a few minutes.
Dorsey said, “I didn’t think about this until now, “He held the cat’s brain in his hand,” but I could also put the cat’s brain into the dog although why anyone would want a dog that meowed like a cat I don’t know, but of course I could never kill the dog.” He handed the cat brain to the nurse. In ten minutes, he took the brain back and set it inside the dog’s empty head. There was, of course, a large gap in the head. Dorsey touched the back of the dog’s head with one hand and grasped the necklace with the other. Blue light streaked out from between his fingertips. The brain seemed to grow in size and attached itself to the dog’s head. The nurse blinked and shook her head. When she looked back both the dog and cat were sitting up.
The nurse asked, “The anesthesia?”
Dorsey said, “I didn’t need any, don’t worry though, they were never in any pain, I wouldn’t have wanted that.”
The nurse said, “But they have just been through major surgery.”
The dog jumped down from the table, rubbed against her leg and purred. The cat wagged its tail and barked at her.
Dorsey said, “Tomorrow we are going to do another pair so that they can breed, people are just going to love them.”
The nurse said, “I don’t think genetics work like that.”
Dorsey grasped the necklace and said, “This was a very special surgery, their genetics have changed as well. Skipper, get ready for tomorrow, we are going to create history, again.”
The nurse asked, “Why are you calling me Skipper?”
Dorsey’s face went flat, it was the only time she had not remembered him smiling, he said, “Nurse, the question is not ‘why do you call me skipper,’ the question is, ‘why not?’”
Outer Space
March 27th, 1933
The Aulterian’s body was nothing but a skeleton, but Mike had an idea. He stood in front of the captain, “Um, Captain, can I have a word?”
The captain whole body was sunk low and he swung the whip slowly back and forth.
Mike said, “Sir.”
The captain said, “Oh blobby, life is so meaningless if one can’t inflict pain on others.”
Mike said, “No need to be so melancholy sir, and my name is Mike, if you would remember, I have been your first mate for 75 years now. I have an idea to rejuvenate the skeleton to bring it back its vigor.”
The captain said, “Really blobby, that would be great.”
Six of Mike’s eyes rolled back into his head. “I will cover the skeleton in jello, a red colored jello, and it would be fun to whip it off the thing.”
The captain asked, “Would the Aulterian be able to feel pain?”
Mike hoped that the next lie didn’t turn out to be too clever for the captain. “No, sadly, it is too far gone, but we have just discovered that jello can feel pain.”
The captain’s jaw fell all the way to the floor.
Mike continued, “So we could not only restore the body, but we could make jello into other shapes, and creatures, we could call them jello molds.”
The captain said, “Yes, this is the greatest news I have ever heard. Even better news than when my son was born.”
Mike said, “I heard that was a disappointment,”
The captain said, “I blame the cook.”
Mike said, “Oh yes, I forgot you ate him.”
The captain said, “That reminds me, I don’t know why, but I think these jello molds should have fruit in them.”
Mike said, “I can think of no practical reason for it, but yet it sounds like something we should definitely do.”
Munich Germany
March 15, 1933
Zog trotted down the halls of the university looking for nonscientific things to investigate. The smell of fresh, blue paint which covered the walls filled the air, all of the doors had now been replaced as money funneled into the university, and their metal frames seemed to shine. Frosted windows hid the dark secrets of the labs, but Zog had a confidence that he could detect what he needed to detect. His gut would lead him.
A loud meow echoed from beyond one of the new metal doors and his gut caught on fire. He flung the door open with such force that the frosted glass shattered.
A dog stood on the desk, its paw stretched up towards a nearby bookshelf. It wiggled its but, and jumped, but was nowhere near high enough to reach the top, and its head smashed against the side of the bookshelf, and its body fell to the floor. The dog meowed in pain.
Zog grabbed his head, “This is like the letter Q all over again.”
Dorsey said, “The poor thing doesn’t realize it’s a dog yet.”
Zog said, “Did you do this?”
Dorsey said, “Yes, it will be fine, it will just take some time for it to adjust.”
Zog said, “This is the type of thing I was sent here to stop, it’s nonscientific something something.”
Dorsey said, “Well skipper, this is actually very scientific. New grounds, I will be famous for this, you will be famous, probably, just for knowing me.”
Zog said, “I can’t let you do this.” He looked around the room, the room was just an office with a wood desk, a couple of bookshelves, nothing really could be used as a weapon other than a lamp, but it was made of porcelain, he would surely break it he beat the man to death with it. He remembered how his mother would be so mad at him when he broke porcelain. It would be wrong. Zog sighed. But his gut started to tap-dance and he heard the smallest bark coming from under the desk. Zog scooted around the desk and saw a cat standing at attention, not something he had ever seen in a cat, and the cat was barking. It stood behind a doctor’s bag. There had to be a knife in the doctor’s bag. Zog reached into the bag, and after pushing aside a stethoscope, he saw there was a knife. Zog grabbed it, stood and plunged it into Dorsey’s heart.
Dorsey grabbed the knife, pulled it out, then made a motion like he was spreading peanut butter over the wound. The wound was completely healed. Dorsey said, “Skipper, that is no way to handle a knife, you could hurt someone.”
Zog’s stomach started doing the Lindsey, which confused Zog because he didn’t remember what the Lindsey was.  But after a few brief moments, Zog remembered it was a dance, and Zog sprung into motion again. The necklace had glowed when he was doing the peanut butter trick. The necklace had allowed him to perform some sort of magic on himself, Zog needed that necklace and grabbed for it. When Dorsey realized what Zog was doing, he dropped the scalpel and tried to hold onto the necklace, but his fingers soon collapsed under the intense strength of the giant.
Zog held the necklace in his left hand and said, “Now I rearrange your face.” Now Zog did an amazing thing, even with the magical necklace. He rearranged Dorsey’s face into what he imagined a Q to look like. Never in the history of medicine has such a complicated surgery ever been attempted, but Zog did the surgery with no surgical instruments and only his right hand. First Zog pulled the mouth to the corner of his face, then elongated his nose, and pulled it down so it crossed over the mouth. Next, he pulled both ears down four inches on either side to make room for the eyes, which were moved over next. When Zog realized he was finished, he looked at what he did, and a pride swelled up in him.  
Dorsey, however, was not very pleased with the transformation, and ran out of the room. It was very hard for him to see where he was going with his eyes as they were, if he opened both of his eyes at once his mind would try and focus the images together as if the eyes were in their regular spot. His mind, not being able to reconcile the conflicting images, strained to confusion and a headache swelled in him. But he knew his life was in danger, and he ran through the halls of the university.
Oppenheim started to scream at him when he entered his lab. “No, you fool; I think I have almost made contact. Dorsey smashed into the antenna, and it crashed onto the floor. The specialized radio tubes which would take weeks to order cracked as they hit the floor. Dorsey continued to scream and ran out to scrape walls, doors, and a few other projects.
Munich Germany
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