ZippityZern's Uncommon Nonsense - A Declaration

       Linda Zern / Humor
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ZippityZern's Uncommon Nonsense - A Declaration
Zippityzern’s Uncommon Nonsense
(The Blue Book)
A Declaration
Linda L. Zern

Copyright 2012 Linda L. Zern

~~~Parenting 101 – The Remix~~~
Greetings to All and Sundry,

Your baby should wear a helmet—in the crib. Did you know that?
Since our exceptional granddaughter was born, I’ve been bedazzled by the space-age and cutting-edge advances that have been made in the art and science of parenting. How any of us managed to raise healthy, sane children in the days of the 8-track cassette is a mystery. My boys didn’t even wear helmets when they were jumping their bicycles over their sisters, who were tied to the picnic table at the time.
Based on my primitive and rudimentary parenting practices, my children should have spines shaped like pretzels and the IQ of grapes. The following is just a partial list of stuff that I did WRONG:
1) I forced my infants to sleep on their tummies. Of course, all the experts back then insisted that I put the baby on his/her tummy or he/she would die. The experts now insist that if you don’t put the baby to sleep on his/her back he/she will surely die. I’m so confused. When Zoe, our granddaughter, comes over, I just prop her upright in a corner.
2) I never put a sleep helmet on my infants, which means that all my kids grew up with flat spots on their heads. This also means that it’s hard for my children to buy hats. A sleep helmet is a specially padded helmet that parents strap on their infants to prevent the backs of their heads from taking on the shape of a flat mattress. This is a direct result of having to put the babies to sleep on their backs so they won’t die.
3) I never gave my kids toys that buzzed, beeped, vibrated, twisted, jumped, shimmied, flashed, sang, twirled, or detonated. Mostly they just played with sticks that they sharpened with kitchen knives. I have a theory that so many of our children have attention deficit disorder because all of their toys have attention deficit disorder.
4) I often breastfed my starving infants in the car while it was in motion. I can now see the evil of this practice. But riding in a car with a screaming, starving infant is, for me, a lot like being in a firefight in a war zone. I’d really rather not, but if you must you must.
5) I did not have a stroller that converted into lawn furniture. My children were practically raised in umbrella strollers, and their spines are just fine. Well, most of their spines are just fine. Adam’s spine is a little funky, but I’ve seen him stand up straight—once or twice, just this week.
6) Instead of Baby Einstein (a series of videotapes designed to develop a baby’s mental abilities and undo any damage from having a flat head), I plopped my kids in front of The Guiding Light, where they learned stilted, soap-opera English, and an appreciation for bad acting.
7) Sometimes when they did something stupid, I told them so. And sometimes I actually used the word stupid in their physical presence. For example, I would say, “Kiddo, tying your sister to the picnic table and jumping your bike over her was stupid.”
This is just a sampling of all the horrific mistakes, missteps, and plain old superstitions I used to rear four, law-abiding, drug-free, tax-paying, church-attending adults. I’m glad we’ve come so far down the garden path of parenting. I’m glad I’m at the end of that path, waiting in the shade for the young ‘uns to catch up. Being a grandmother rocks, as the kids would say.
I mean it,

Linda (Where are all my kitchen knives?) Zern

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